I walk across that bridge atleast once a day. Every time i wonder if  i’ll do it. Never seem to probably because im always walking with people and dont want to put them through that. Guess im not ready yet.
We climbed to the top of these trees saw a beautiful sunset got some great pictures, i lost my grip on one hand and let go with the other. just got banged up. My best friend saw and came running after “are you okay?” Â “Dont ever do that agin, or ill kill you myself”(all that good stuff). I was ready that time, but i realize now i could never do it in front of her.
I can drink, smoke, cut, and do crazy stuff in front her, but not take my life in front of her. She keeps me alive most the time. if i was home i would have done it already.
Im starting to care less and less lately. Im off my meds and not sleeping. My Bpd is getting worse and im affraid of what i might do. Im cutting more and more to control it.
5 comments
If I’m planning to jump let’s say, into a gorge, would taking a few valium beforehand settle my nerves so I can do the deed!? =(
idk i just don’t wanna freak out at the last minute, I must do this…
valium would help some.
I was on ox. when we jumped out of these trees (it was just for fun). It did help and i believe valium is similar.
my lovely friend jean,
my first advice, if appropriate, would be GET THE FUCK BACK ON THE MEDS.
BPD will kick the shit out of you the first chance you give it, so don’t let up. keep the meds going i don’t feel like i’m in much of a place to give much helpful advice other than that, and to keep on going.
“it get’s better” is a tired cliché, but try to invest some mental resources into an appreciation for life and for yourself the people who love you. – i may sound like an ignorant dick here, forgive me.
one fascinating and helpful blog i would recommend, and a kindred spirit with BPD/Manic depression, is Gabriel at saltedlithium.wordpress.com – give the site a visit and a browse, please. please!
http://saltedlithium.wordpress.com/fighting/ is a really useful resource, i think, for BPD and how it affects your thought and hijacks your emotions and depressions. Please contact him, or someone, and reach out for help. If you have someone who you trust and are comfortable with, a *rational* adult, then maybe find a way to nut things out with them?
my thoughts are with you,
you have the grit to make it through this and out the other side, gloriously.
love,
somebody
p.s. http://saltedlithium.wordpress.com/fighting/ for reals, check it out. contact him! <3
To address the title of your post. In truth, there is only now….the here and now. What calms me is staying in the present moment, as thinking about the future a lot of time creates angst and fear….”Oh know….what’s gonna happen”….right? Who knows and who cares…..when you focus your energy in that way, it better serves you. Half the time, so many people live in fear wondering about the future, and not living their lives….the future hasn’t happened yet, why stress out about it….lol. Cheers! Good luck!