I couldn’t stay away long. Haha!
It’s Friday night at 9:30, just sitting here wondering how much longer I can hang in there.
Between zoning out, reoccuring massive headaches, shoulder pain from a sledding accident… my shoulder, my right one, now clicks when I move it, bone on bone? no cartilidge?… dead end job, depression and failed educational plans don’t know how much more I can take. Earlier my head hurt so bad I was considering taking a “few” Unisom… not enough to do me in but enough to knock me out for a day or two. Unfortunately that would also land me in lock up at the psych ward at the hospital. The only unit left in the city and it’s within walking distance…. Haha, wouldn’t you know it?…. Ahhh, what can I say life sucks.
Thought about going to my doctor for the headaches but I’m not really crazy about him… kind of embarrassing, but at my first… and only appointment, I was getting into that stupid, drafty gown when he walked in… without knocking! Um yeah, can we say mortified? And he’s like old enough to be my dad! That was really awkward!
I haven’t been back since. I called another practice my shrink recommended but they haven’t called back as to whether or not they will take me on as a patient.
I don’t want to just go to anyone or even someone that’s “recommended”, guess you could say I have major issues with doctors. When I was 24 I had gone for a test for carpal tunnel, I had cut so much and so deep that they thought I had done some serious damage. The probes and the electric jolts hurt so bad… it was either laugh or cry. I knew if I started crying I wouldn’t stop, so I was laughing, a nervous, pain filled laugh. The doctor, a huge guy with as much bulging out from under his belt as over it, got mad at me and grabbed my wrists… both of which have 3 really nasty looking scars each… on the pulse point, on the arteries, and said “this is nothing to laugh at!” I wanted to die then and there. He didn’t know the emotional pain that had driven me to the point of trying to cut off my hand or die trying, twice. He didn’t know what had driven me to the point of trying to cut the nerve in my wrists, not once but twice. He didn’t know what had driven me to the point of pin pointing the pulse on both wrists. Not sure why those attempts didn’t work… nurses don’t need to “find” my pulse during an exam… there’s an inch long by quarter inch scar that marks it.
Guess you could say I try something twice before moving on… lol.
Except for the OD… with that I tried 3 times in one summer.
Trying to at least hang in there until my son gets married, probably next summer sometime.
He plans on proposing to his girlfriend this summer and in her family they usually do a one year engagement.
Now, I’m trying to laugh instead of cry… but it’s not going very good. 🙁
Somehow everything just seems soooo, IDK…maybe pointless?
Anyone have any ideas?… Right now even corny jokes would be welcome, I’m desperate!
~ Good Journey ~