I just want it to be over

I have suffered from depression, panic attacks and loneliness for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and panic disorder at 21, but I think by then it was too late. a decade of meds and therapy later, I am still struggling to keep my head above water. I have my good days, my good months, but the crushing pain always comes back and I don’t see it ending… and I don’t think I can live like this.
As I see it, it’s the same thing as people who live with MS, or other types of chronic physical pain. It is unbearable, it will not go away.
I have become very successful at hiding my pain, because when I do open up to people they don’t understand or believe me. So people look at me and see a fairly successful, smart, cute young woman, and have no idea why I should be unhappy. I have no idea either, except that I am, that it’s torture, and that I want it to end.
I think that best argument for my suicide, besides that fact that I want it so my much, is how I “stump” my doctors. For the people who express suicidal ideation as a cry for help, certain questions help them re-evaluate what it is that they really need & want… doctors will ask “what would you write in your suicide note?” I’ve never thought of anything other than “sorry,” if that.
“do you think about your funeral?” nope. it never even occurred to me to think about how people would react to my death, except for the fact hat my siblings and friends have their own families and would be ok without me.
When I tell my doctors these things they stare at me, as if they can’t believe that my desire to end my life is not a cry for help. It isn’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone, blame anyone, make anyone “miss” me.
I just need this pain, this disease in my brain, to end. Three people in my immediate family have committed suicide, this disease is like diabetes…. it’s rampant in my family, it runs lives, it takes lives. Things have gotten worse lately, i’m angrier and more isolated and the stress of my job is tearing away at what little resolve I’ve managed to build. Pretty soon I think. I hope.