well this has been going on for somewhile and ive tried to stop but whats the point? it just doesnt work for some people, like me. im just looking for a way out as you could say ive been planning things for when i got out of school and im sure that my plan wil come through. ever since i was 12 maybe 13 i started to cut, at first it was shallow cuts but then i started to do them deeper and since then ive been cutting noone has found out except my best friend and my other friend, ive known my best friend for 3 years now and he claims to love me like a sister but i doubt it. i have trust issues and i cant help it i just flinch at every little thing and if anyone even came to me and said to stop cutting i would get defensive and yell back. but lately ive been easing up on my trust but then something happened and my trust issues snapped back and theyre worse then before now i dont know what to do , ive stopped talking to my best friend and now im talkin to my other friend that has been through this and has helped me but im still cuttin and to add to it ive been taking pills almost everyday for 5 months now, i have those times where im happy and content but then as if a switch goes off i get sad and depressed. i just dont know what to do now. im going to continue my cutting and pills until i give up. my plan was to get out of school, move far away, wait until my parents died, then ill kill myself. lately that plan has been going through my head and i might just go with it. im the kind of person that cant handle alot of pressure or stress. and that is almost all my life. sometimes i feel like i want people to know and maybe actually care for me but i know they dont, then the other half says that i should keep quiet to myself. i know that the first part sounds selfish and all, me wanting people to know but ive never been cared for all my life i dont remember my kid life up t 12 years old because it was too much emotional stress i guess i just forgot about my childhood i just remember bits and bits of peices. but only the worst parts of my child hood life, getting yelled at, getting slapped around, getting tied to a table for a whole day, and me getting locked in a pitch black room for who knows how long. and the other day i found a camcorder and when i watched it it took me 10 minutes to notice that the voice from the camcorder was mine i didnt even remember when that happend i could just here myself all happy with my family and joking around. but i dont think that could happen anymore now. i dont mean to rant i just felt like getting the frustration out instead of for once cutting. first time ever. but i dont know how long that will last. i have no idea what to do, i just keep thinkin that i should have been treated bad for what i have done in my life and sometimes i feel like im the one that should be on the street when i see a homeless person on the street, i would take that away from them if i can and make them live in a nice place unno tradeing places. well i dunno i just need advice on what to do even though i just vented out in a long paragraph.