well this has been going on for somewhile and ive tried to stop but whats the point? it just doesnt work for some people, like me. im just looking for a way out as you could say ive been planning things for when i got out of school and im sure that my plan wil come through. ever since i was 12 maybe 13 i started to cut, at first it was shallow cuts but then i started to do them deeper and since then ive been cutting noone has found out except my best friend and my other friend, ive known my best friend for 3 years now and he claims to love me like a sister but i doubt it. i have trust issues and i cant help it i just flinch at every little thing and if anyone even came to me and said to stop cutting i would get defensive and yell back. but lately ive been easing up on my trust but then something happened and my trust issues snapped back and theyre worse then before now i dont know what to do , ive stopped talking to my best friend and now im talkin to my other friend that has been through this and has helped me but im still cuttin and to add to it ive been taking pills almost everyday for 5 months now, i have those times where im happy and content but then as if a switch goes off i get sad and depressed. i just dont know what to do now. im going to continue my cutting and pills until i give up. my plan was to get out of school, move far away, wait until my parents died, then ill kill myself. lately that plan has been going through my head and i might just go with it. im the kind of person that cant handle alot of pressure or stress. and that is almost all my life. sometimes i feel like i want people to know and maybe actually care for me but i know they dont, then the other half says that i should keep quiet to myself. i know that the first part sounds selfish and all, me wanting people to know but ive never been cared for all my life i dont remember my kid life up t 12 years old because it was too much emotional stress i guess i just forgot about my childhood i just remember bits and bits of peices. but only the worst parts of my child hood life, getting yelled at, getting slapped around, getting tied to a table for a whole day, and me getting locked in a pitch black room for who knows how long. and the other day i found a camcorder and when i watched it it took me 10 minutes to notice that the voice from the camcorder was mine i didnt even remember when that happend i could just here myself all happy with my family and joking around. but i dont think that could happen anymore now. i dont mean to rant i just felt like getting the frustration out instead of for once cutting. first time ever. but i dont know how long that will last. i have no idea what to do, i just keep thinkin that i should have been treated bad for what i have done in my life and sometimes i feel like im the one that should be on the street when i see a homeless person on the street, i would take that away from them if i can and make them live in a nice place unno tradeing places. well i dunno i just need advice on what to do even though i just vented out in a long paragraph.
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Things will get better. Talk to a therapist; they can really help. Your childhood was painful and affects your current relationships, but a therapist can help you to overcome your problems.
You sound a lot like how I was when I used to be in a high school. I don’t know how it happened but somehow I felt like a part of me was missing: that fire, spark, drive just wasn’t there for me. I was a very gregarious and extroverted person throughout middle school and when I got to high school I slowly but surely began to flip flop. I felt like people were my enemy. I felt inferior to others. I’d get very self conscious around a group of people thinking that on the inside they were judging me. It all transpired that way for me through a combination of things.
At times I would feel like I wanted it all to end. But I knew it was to selfish for me to do something like that. Knowing that I’d cause more pain and suffering was unthinkable to me. And look you can rant as much as you want!!! There’s something liberating when we’re blatantly honest about who we are and what we’re going through. I feel society teaches us to put on a brave face and act like everything is all sweet and sugary in the face of adversity. Maybe it’s just a choice we make out of fear – it’s natural to want to burn bridges and go into a defensive lock down.
However you must realize that the only thing that matters is what God thinks of you. When you realize that he loves you, sent his son Jesus to die for you, and created you in his glorious image you will no longer give a damn what people think of you. It’s foolish to think that we’ll be fulfilled when we’re accepted in the eyes of man. Yes we should live a life that’s respectful and honoring to our peers, but when you get your love and acceptance from your heavenly father who created you, nothing else will matter.
When you accept him into your heart and life you’ll no longer want to cut yourself. It’s so easy to become addicted to those feelings of depression, and self-hate, and other destructive habits like cutting. My friend went through the exact same thing. Thankfully I had enough patience to work with him, it was very frustrating getting him to stay sober mentally and not allow him to fall in a downward spiral.
People just don’t randomly cut themselves, even if what they’re enduring is terrible. It starts as a thought and then our thoughts eventually become our actions and then our actions become our habits. The good news is that it only takes an immediate decision to chose not to think that way.
It’s helpful to find a special network of friends/family who will love and support you unconditionally. They should want to help you more if you’re suicidal not less. It’s our greatest desire to love others and to be loved. When you have that, everything else seems to fall into place.
Naturally it’s hard to trust flawless beings. We should always give people a chance and the benefit of the doubt when they break our trust. Yet we should also be vigilant, knowing that not everyone is worthy of our trust and loyalty.
Aj, in spite of all of your pain and suffering, I have been truly blessed to hear your story. It challenges me to reach out to people like you in many ways, even those who I don’t personally know. I can identify with many things you said in your story. There’s something awesome about being able to commiserate with someone who’s going through the exact same circumstances. Thankfully God introduced me to a person who was in storm just like me. Little did I realize that I would experience so much healing by putting his needs ahead of mind first and giving all of myself away. We became best friends and we’d both die for each other. That’s how much love we have for one another.
It’s a shame that so many folks wallow through life without discovering true, genuine friendship. Ask God to bring the right people into your life and for him to help you get over your trust issues. He didn’t intend for us to live alone and he doesn’t want our weaknesses to prevent us from forming healthy, loving, and genuine friendships with other people.
God bless you AJ I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers tonight, and pray for God to give you a fresh start. 🙂
Yours truly,
Jonathan K.
Have you been to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation? You may simply be suffering the effects of a stressful childhood, but you may have a mood disorder or a personality disorder that is causing you so much pain. If so, you can get help for it and feel better. If not then you can get pointed in the right direction for the help you need from a good counselor. You’re not going to feel relief from your pain if you die. You can’t feel anything if you are dead.
no i wont go see a therapists because i dont want to go through it. i never will want to. and jonathan k. thanks for kinda making it better