I am 19, I’m in med school, I have a family that loves me, some good friends, and I used to be very socialy active (voluntary work, tutoring…). I have all I need to enjoy life, yet I am intrinsically incapable of doing so. I think it has to do with my genetic heritage (depression in the family) and my life experience (war, verbal and physical abuse…). Now I moved and all is good, except I am not the same. I don’t beleive in anything anymore, I have no dreams, almost no feelings, nothing to live for. I have tried for years to change and care about something, but it didn’t work. It only got worse. Death seems more natural to me then life. I know my parents diserve better than this, but I don’t think that avoiding to hurt others is a good enough reason to live. Why do people have a negative perception of suicide regardless of the situation? I’ll try to illustrate what I mean by an exemple. The cell, the most basic unit of life, when it undergoes damage, can either be repaired if the lesion is revocable or it goes through necrosis/apoptosis if it has gone beyond the threshold of reversibility. Why can’t it be the same for humans? I think i am damaged beyong repair, and i think it is completely rational to want to end my life.
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Honestly… I know very little about you but just judging on the small bit of information you have allowed me I think it would be a terrible loss if you decided to end your life
I can only imagine the things you could do for the world if you stayed
Hi,
leave the medicine aside from your self explanations. It is typical from first graders to speculate about causes as they start their first lessons on physiology. The fact that you have emotional traumas does not mean a human apoptosis, because that is not an irreversible condition, and even if there are life long scars, that does not incapacitate to experience happiness.
You can however more likely relate your trauma to the Bosnian Serbian war and the associated shocks. If it was not that war, other wars are not different. If that happened during your childhood, the fact that you are living in another country does not change much. Your baggage follows you.
I am trying to locate the order of years and it is not very clear to me. You first talk of war in childhood and the traumas. Then you say that you enjoyed life doing things like tutoring, voluntary work, and then you were depressed. So lets say you were experiencing war until 12 then you started voluntary work from 15 to 17 or so and then from then until now you are depressed ?
My nephew went to Bosnia on a humanitarian mission for months. She returned traumatized and almost died. The depression started when she returned to Spain. Basically when she returned to the West and to a society who did not care about what happened in Bosnia, to a place where people did not care about the horrors and the miseries some few thousand kms away. That is what made her depressed.
That is what is happening to you. If you have come from the East to the West there you have the answer. Our Western world is completely sick and the sensitive persons suffer a lot. Only the brutal and the retarded are fine here because they are insensitive to the cruelties and unfairness of our System.
If all you have known was war before and now capitalism in the West, then it is the perfect recipe for the feelings that you experience.
So, the solution?
First understand the reasons and I am trying to explain them with the little info that you have provided. When you understand the causes, the root of the problems, then you are in control of the feelings (somewhat).
Once you know the causes, choose a life style that is meaningful to you, something that is according to your principles.
Once you are fine there, think about love, but dont chose a scumbag and beware of the opportunistic that will try to exploit your condition. Choose someone like me for example, a man of impeccable principles, intelligent, sensitive and a total disaster with women.
hugs
O
by the way, you seem to be living in France, because of the way you write ?
I agree, the answers are not in your rationalizing of the problem and certainly won’t help. Making self proclaimed diagnosis and conclusions about your situation are definitely not accurate either. Feeling depressed is not a bad thing…it’s your body trying to alert you to something you need to look at, not an automatic okay to say “see ya”…it’s your job to do some detective work. Just because it’s in your family as it is in mine…I choose to use tools that help me and not foster the challenge you’re currently faced with…at 19 you have a lot of opportunity to learn ahead…patience. Try not to take it all too seriously. Cheers.
I sersiously freaked out for a minute when i read ur post, bcuz I thought it was something I wrote a year ago, bcuz now I’m 20, third year med student, and the first lines were just like me 😛
I would love it though if ud leave me ur email so we can chat sometimes, maybe we can ratiolanize stuff together, while trying to figure out what to do in this life.
penombre91@gmail.com.
WOW, i want to be supportive because your young, but a round of applause, I am exactly the same. I am nearly 30 and couldn’t explain I that well. I have felt that way for so long, and it’s nearly brought a tear to my eye that someone else is here too. I not saying you should give up, but definatly seek help and try to get better as you have the time.
I have always thought, that it is just programmed in some people to be completely disconnected from existance. Maybe it is something to do with a balance in the universe. Although I have found that feeling this way and the train of thought that goes with it is a powerful creative tool, because we don’t just think outside the box, we think outside all barriers. Or is it just an understanding, that life really makes no sense, we live have childeren, and die, in 200years I’ll be forgotten unless I do something amazing, but even then so what, I am dead, I won’t know.
I advise you to get someone to talk to or guide you, and if you are not already creative, please start experimenting and researching, I is a release for those thoughts and allows you to be partly normal for the rest of the time!
And apologies if I read like a lunatic! here is my email bellethom@hotmail.co.uk should you or jack123 want to talk more!
Thank you again.