It’s actually pretty surreal writing this. I’ve seen this site more than a few times. I’ve been brought to tears by some of the people who wrote here. I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I want to remember. I mean I’ve fit a noose around my neck, taken one too many pills, or stood on the edge of a high building more than enough times. I’ve come close. I fell I’m old enough to understand my position. It’s truly sad for me to read of these 12 and 13 year olds saying they want to die. Don’t get me wrong, I used to be one of them. The thing that gets me is that things just aren’t working out. You grow up thinking that you will win. That you are better than you actually are. And you realize how much you’ve missed out on; how much you’ve wasted. And then you find that you are nothing like what you wanted, and that you’re just another person, unworthy of even walking. Maybe I’m a cynic. The way i see it, I’ve been closer to death than most, and yet I wish I went through with it. Here’s to hoping I do it soon. I’m wasting too much of everyone’s time and money, including my own.
This is a message to all the young one’s here: I’ve been there, and I’ve gone through worse than you have (not to insult you). Give yourself time to at least grow up. If you have nothing to lose, risk it. Talk to that girl, take that job, join that team, and sit at that lunch table. If you have nothing to lose, if you’re suicidal like I am, just freaking go for it. If you fail, you’re right back at you’re old position, which cannot be any worse. I just don’t want to see another young person end up like a did. A fake, lonely, seemingly happy college student who seemingly has everything. I have nothing, and never will. You have to change your life now. Go ahead and actually read your Bible (or koran or whatever), talk to your parents, BE A BETTER PERSON. It’s too late for me. I’ve learned too late. Hopefully this isn’t a lesson your have to learn on your own.
I really have no value for my life anymore. This isn’t a suicide note btw (I’ve already written 3 before). But it’s coming. I’m not giving myself much more time. Not sure why I’m writing this, as it’s only giving grief to other people who actually read this far. Sorry. If only life actually worked out. I guess prayer is the only option till this summer. I’ll probably need it anyway. 6 months: that’s what I got to work things out. Here’s to hoping that it does. Peace, and God Bless.
4 comments
Okay reading you post kinda reminded me of a song i like not sure what type of music your into? I listen to all types and you remined me of a song by Three days grace- Never too late have you heard it?
I think it all really depends on what do you exactly mean by “Value”.
just know that the “material and status success” is NOT necessarily your OWN Value, as these two are values that often dictated by the majority of society, but just because that doesn’t make it universally true, one “Value” for everyone on the planet.
Value is very individual thing.
And regarding too late/old to create a meaningful life of Value, If you look at the stories of Colonel Harland Sanders (founder of the famous chicken Kentucky Fried Chicken), and some famous movie directors like Manoel de Oliveira, and also looking at plenty of examples of “Late Bloomers” (just wikipedia it), people in their 50’s and 60’s taking another program in university and becoming what they’ve always wanted,
and even those heartfelt stories of a mere ‘ordinary’ old man in China province who’ve turned out he made such a HUGE difference before he died by donating all his cycle-work money to the orphanage organization ’till he can help hundreds more of poor kids,…then you’ll know that there is truly NOTHING ever too late.
Take a look at these famous sayings for more evidence:
“Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter.” – Leroy Satchel Paige
“Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up wrinkles the soul. . . . You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.” (Douglas MacArthur)
“As for old age, embrace and love it. It abounds with pleasure if you know how to use it. The gradually declining years are among the sweetest in a man’s life, and I maintain that, even when they have reached the extreme limit, they have their pleasure still.” – Marcus Annaeus Seneca
“While one finds company in himself and his pursuits, he cannot feel old, no matter what his years may be” – Amos Bronson Alcott
“Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” – Benjamin Franklin
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/what-to-do-old-age.htm
I think niki has pretty much said it all there really Stomper AG.
Reading your story I can relate to the feeling as though your life has failed and that you are wasting peoples time/money or whatever.
But if you think how many times you have been close but have never gone through with it/succeeded, does that not maybe indicate that you have a purpose on this earth that has not yet been fulfilled?
Many people feel lost and useless throughout their life and as much as I can’t really talk as I have also taken a one too many pill, tied a scarf a little too tight and wondered if I could fly, I believe that the reason I have not been successful is because I have a purpose.
It sounds ridiculous but its the one thing that keeps me going; that everyone has come onto the earth to do something with their life.
No matter what your age, gender, location, sexuality, whatever, we all have something to do.
I am not religious and don’t have anything against religion, but I do really think we are special.
My grandma, bless her soul, got diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago and after realising it would be terminal freaked out and couldn’t do the things she wanted to do before it got too late.
At the grand old age of 67, the year before she passed, she came with me to the tattoo shop I get tattooed at and got a tattoo. That really opened my eyes to a lot.
If you ever want to talk/moan/whatever, please feel free to email me, I’m sure we could share stories and hopefully feel better.
beckybobrocks@hotmail.com
xxxx