I am a complete and utter wreck.

My life was finally looking up. With my pain being under control and my eating going back to normal everything was starting to look good. I had my future planned out and school was going great. I was having the best time with my friends and I couldn’t love my new family more. I sorted out how confused I was and realised how much I liked him and he liked me. And I finally got my best friend back.
But all in one day everything turns around.
Now I don’t see the point of anything. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to cause someone else pain. I need to get out and find a place of my own. I need to leave school and I want to be a wreck. I want to go out and drink and do dangerous shit, just because I can and because I am not afraid to. I am vomiting after meals, and I am turned off food again. I constantly feel sad and angry for no real reason and I don’t want to make an effort with anyone, because I know it will only make things harder for them in the end. I don’t want to leave here because they are my family and I love them but I can’t stand things any more, my head is playing stupid tricks on me and I just can’t deal with it.
Tomorrow it will begin.
I will clean out my entire room, and dress how I feel. I will throw out anything and everything and remove any trace of personalisation in the room. I will shave my legs so that the razor slices through my skin easier and I will not eat. I will return the belongings of friends and erase most stuff from my computer and change the password again.
But I will act happy and still go out, for now at least. Until I know exactly where to go next. I can’t let anyone notice any thing.
I love my family and friends with all my heart but its just not enough any more, and I don’t know why.