I hate my life.. I hate feeling like this but I can’t help it…Every morning is more and more difficult.
I’m 18 and I’ve never really had a boyfriend except of the 5-days “relationship” when I was 9.. funny right? I’ve never kissed a boy, I’ve never felt the warmth of a hug from that “special one”, I’ve never held hands with someone.. These small things seem unimportant for the most of the people but not for me.. I want to be loved..not the kind of love your family gives you but the other kind..
I never express my feelings. I keep everything inside..That’s bad, I know it is… It’s so nice to have someone to talk to and know that he’s not going to laugh at you or judge you. I wish I had that someone..
I tried a few months ago to show my feelings to a guy..I was in love with him.. We were so close, we used to spend the most of the time together, he liked talking to me and teasing me so I thought he had the same feelings about me.. I was wrong.. He said he’s been through a lot and it wasn’t easy for him to be in a relationship.. I was hurt.. I was hurt so badly… I’m still in love with him. I can’t get him out of my mind even if I know that nothing is going to happen between us..We still talk. He keeps calling me and I keep answering..It’s like I’m saying to him “Everything is ok.Keep hurting me.It’s ok.Nothing changed.I’ve forgot about everything..” but I haven’t..
I hate this. Sometimes I hate everyone.I want to stay in, turn off my phone and disappear.. Disappear from everyone and everything..
I try to spend time with friends. It’s a relief. I forget my pain for a while. But as soon as I get home everything comes back.. I go early to bed. I prefer my dreams, they’re so much better…But the most of the times I can’t have even this pleasure. I can’t sleep. Every night all the bad thoughts come to mind and I can’t fall asleep. It takes me more than an hour to fall asleep and it’s so annoying. I keep thinking and thinking…I cry myself to sleep almost every night…
I’m so pessimistic about my future but how is it possible not to be when your life sucks? I’m thinking about suicide a lot these days. I even think about how I should do it.. The only thing that keeps me from committing suicide is that I care about my family and I don’t want to hurt them…
I’m hopeless. I need help and I can’t find it. I feel worthless. I feel like I don’t have anything to live for anymore…
2 comments
If it is hurting you to be friends with him then don’t do it. Tell him how you feel about him and then if he doesn’t like you the same way then you might have to just suck it up and stop seeing him or at least until you can sort yourself about a bit. Try and concentrate on some of the good things in your life, there must be some (harnging with your friends?) as hard as it is becuase if all you think of is the bad things then you’ll only fall deeper. If you can find someone to talk to about all of this, don’t be afraid to reach out. Or even writing everything down can be a good realese. Stay safe
If you need help, just talk to the people here. I can help you too if you want or need me. I’ve been in a similar situation.. except I’m a guy and not a girl and that I have no friends anymore where I am. I get what you mean by hugging someone special.. I wish I could have that too, to hold and kiss the person I love and have her love me in return.
My suggestion is that you don’t pick up on his calls anymore or talk to him so much anymore if he doesn’t love you… cause unrequitted love can be very painful. I’ve had that feeling before, so talk it out with the people here or someone you trust… it’ll help make you feel a bit better..