Everyone has terrible memories. I’m sure most of the people who are here have terrible, heart wrenching memories that they wish they could just forget about.
I too have those memories. For some reason, they penetrate my heart and get underneath my skin that I have to stop what I am doing and concentrate on breathing or I might pass out.Â
What is even worse is knowing I caused these terrible memories. I do not know how to love myself anymore. It is so hard loving yourself when you pushed away the person you love most in life.
How can I enjoy life when I can’t stand my own reflection and would rather waste away in a lonely place away from my home…?
I wish I could still love the other people in my life who care about me but I am no longer the person I used to be. And I believe it is disrespectful to pretend I am okay to my family when I am not. I know they care about me and would help me no matter what, but I would rather try to make them happy for now then make them worried.
Anyways, I guess I am just looking for some guidance on how to deal with my memories from hell….
2 comments
I understand this. My best advice is for you to attempt to get ‘real’ help, like a psychologist of sorts. I wish I was able to gather to courage to seek help of that form. If you are similar to me in anyway, you wouldn’t want to get help from a psychiatrist cuz the medicine makes me feel like a freak show. If you don’t want that sorta help, you need to address these memories directly like you would a person, they are ingrained into you, so you must go with the grain and not against it. By this i mean confront your inner self by recognizing and accepting your deeds indiscriminately. After that, you can start your journey to self discovery.
You pushed someone away and right now that’s torturing you. Yet…probably there were reasons for what you did. Walking through them…getting yourself right with them…accepting even if some of the reasons were weaknesses in you…and accepting that there may have been things about the other person…even if you loved them…that did not make them “right” for you.
If you pushed away a good person because of your own fears or past abuses…that’s sad. But more often, those of us who are insecure fall in love with people with equal flaws…or opposite flaws…then our minds tell us we need to get away from them before things become toxic.
Think and understand…analyze. That’s a defense mechanism (intellectualization) but you need some distance right now.