Oh boy, where do I begin? I’m a 14 year old female. I’ve always had self-esteem issues. In grade school, I was “too skinny”. Now I’m in high school, and I’m 30 pounds overweight with acne all over my face, breasts, and back. I disgust myself whenever I look in a mirror. Well, I’ve been an avid fan of erotic stories for about a year now. There’s this one site called Literotica, and I visited that site frequently for a few months. I mainly stuck to erotic couplings and first times (I’m a virgin myself) before I got curious about one section titled “Incest/Taboo”. I was afraid to look at it at first, so I avoided it. After a while my curiosity got the better of me. What a big mistake. I found myself enjoying the stories too much. Especially the father/daughter incest stories.
Now I’ve always been a “daddy’s girl” like most other girls. But my father being only in his early 40’s and in great shape made this idea of incest more appealing. He’s handsome with flecks of grey in his jet black hair. Now for the past 6 months I’ve been addicted to that category. It started as just a common fantasy, but after prolonged exposure my attitude changed. I started being okay with the idea of sleeping my father, and that morphed from acceptance to lust. I couldn’t masturbate without thinking about my own father. I knew there was a problem.
I tried getting a boyfriend at school, but no one even looked at me. There’s a reason I’ve never had a boyfriend, and my failure reminded me. I dropped the notion after many failed attempts and mean glares even from the “nerdy outcast boys” at my school. I couldn’t see myself sleeping with anyone but my father, but I know he’d be disgusted with me. Now I’ve considered having a heart to heart with him expressing my feelings, but that could ruin our relationship. I know he’s a normal guy, and normal guys can’t see someone like me as attractive. I’ve spent countless hours at my laptop writing plans, suicide notes, love notes, and journal entries. Writing them provides only temporary relief, not long-term like I need.
I’m trying to write the perfect suicide note. I want it to both express my feelings for my daddy and not hurt my mom at the same time. As soon as I get that right, I’ll take my last shower with my daddy’s boxcutter. I was thinking of carving “worthless” “fat” or “ugly” into my arm before I slit my wrists. Now the only reason I’m here is to ask if there’s any way I can “get over” my dad. Not only have I lusted after him for 6 months, I’ve fallen in love with him. I know it’s sick. I know he’ll reject me. I know that telling anyone I know in real life my story would automatically get me sent to a shrink. But if there IS a way to make myself fall out of love, please tell me. If there isn’t a way, it’s a matter of time until I write that note right. Then I plan on committing suicide. Please help?