Oh boy, where do I begin? I’m a 14 year old female. I’ve always had self-esteem issues. In grade school, I was “too skinny”. Now I’m in high school, and I’m 30 pounds overweight with acne all over my face, breasts, and back. I disgust myself whenever I look in a mirror. Well, I’ve been an avid fan of erotic stories for about a year now. There’s this one site called Literotica, and I visited that site frequently for a few months. I mainly stuck to erotic couplings and first times (I’m a virgin myself) before I got curious about one section titled “Incest/Taboo”. I was afraid to look at it at first, so I avoided it. After a while my curiosity got the better of me. What a big mistake. I found myself enjoying the stories too much. Especially the father/daughter incest stories.
Now I’ve always been a “daddy’s girl” like most other girls. But my father being only in his early 40’s and in great shape made this idea of incest more appealing. He’s handsome with flecks of grey in his jet black hair. Now for the past 6 months I’ve been addicted to that category. It started as just a common fantasy, but after prolonged exposure my attitude changed. I started being okay with the idea of sleeping my father, and that morphed from acceptance to lust. I couldn’t masturbate without thinking about my own father. I knew there was a problem.
I tried getting a boyfriend at school, but no one even looked at me. There’s a reason I’ve never had a boyfriend, and my failure reminded me. I dropped the notion after many failed attempts and mean glares even from the “nerdy outcast boys” at my school. I couldn’t see myself sleeping with anyone but my father, but I know he’d be disgusted with me. Now I’ve considered having a heart to heart with him expressing my feelings, but that could ruin our relationship. I know he’s a normal guy, and normal guys can’t see someone like me as attractive. I’ve spent countless hours at my laptop writing plans, suicide notes, love notes, and journal entries. Writing them provides only temporary relief, not long-term like I need.
I’m trying to write the perfect suicide note. I want it to both express my feelings for my daddy and not hurt my mom at the same time. As soon as I get that right, I’ll take my last shower with my daddy’s boxcutter. I was thinking of carving “worthless” “fat” or “ugly” into my arm before I slit my wrists. Now the only reason I’m here is to ask if there’s any way I can “get over” my dad. Not only have I lusted after him for 6 months, I’ve fallen in love with him. I know it’s sick. I know he’ll reject me. I know that telling anyone I know in real life my story would automatically get me sent to a shrink. But if there IS a way to make myself fall out of love, please tell me. If there isn’t a way, it’s a matter of time until I write that note right. Then I plan on committing suicide. Please help?
6 comments
I suggest trying to lose a bit of weight and getting acne medication. That might boost your self esteem. I’m frequently lonely and the opposite sex has no interest in me either. Perhaps try and concentrate on something undesirable about your father and it might make him seem less sexually attractive. I hope I helped you in some way, I really tried. You seem too nice to be this overly hurt by rejection.
It is kinda gross, seriously and honestly. But, I can’t say that it’s also not too unnatural from your story. To be honest, when I was in like 9th grade, I had a crush on my teacher too. She was nice and kind and beautiful. It’s different from father/daughter, but in a way, it is similar, because my teacher was like 34-35, while I was only 14-15. She was over twice my age.
I think the thing to solve your problem really is what you tried, getting a boyfriend or falling in love with a guy. For starters, stop reading those stories and things with incest. It’s not a good thing. It’s gross… but it’s also bad. Incess doesn’t work, because the babies that are created, will die a few days after birth. I won’t judge you… because I can understand your feelings. Having thinking no one love you… and here your father loves you so much. I’m sure there are other girls who have father complexes too. I think that’s what it’s called.
Don’t kill yourself over it, just stop having feelings for your dad. Your’e not ugly or anything. Acne… that can be treated. Fat… that can be lose with exercise. You’re not worthless either. Just the guys at your school doesn’t realize how wonderful a girl you are. In high school… some to most guys will only look at the hot girls… for what..? sex. Lust. Not love. So don’t worry about those kind of guys, you’ll just end up losing your virginity to someone who’ll mistreat and leave you after they find someone else. It’s not worth it.
Accepting it and asking for help is the right thing to do. Just stop reading those things or watching that genre. Don’t get close-close touchy-close with your dad, and try to move on. BUT… don’t try so hard to move on and forget that you force yourself to love guys you don’t and have sex with lots of random guys to feel accepted or to forget your dad. Ever. Don’t ever do that.
If you need any other advice, just ask or wanna vent it out, go ahead. I’ll help you out as much as I can. If I sounded offensive in any way, I apologize, nothing written was out of offense or anything like that.
You’re young and this is probably just a phase. You’re not gross nor are you sick sweetie. Many kids your age go through phases like this. Your mind is probably confusing admiration for love. Give it a year or so and I’m sure the feelings will subside.
Please don’t freak out too much. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. DON’T DO IT. And finding a boyfriend is NOT the answer. Ultimately, you’re looks aren’t going to hold you back forever. The older you get, the less it matters (except for health). It really is the inside that counts.
By the way, for the acne (because I have terrible acne as well): Ask your parents about seeing a dermatologist. Acutane/Amnisteem (Isotretinoin/vitamin A) is a great solution, but the side effects are terrible (I got high cholesterol from it) and you’d have to take anti-pregnancy pills due to a new law (even if you’re a virgin!) A better solution is the cream form of the drug (It’s really a high dose of vitamin A). The side effects are less terrible that way. It really does help, but you’d need a solution.
You’re only 14, which means you’re at that phase where your hormones are raging. I used to have a lot of crushes at that age. Now, I’m only 17, but the hormones have totally calmed down.
Tell at least one of your parents about your feelings. (I would tell my mom, but it really it matters on their personalities. Which one of them is more liberal? Which one has less of a temper? Tell that person.) Tell them that it’s eating you up and you want to get rid of these thoughts. They can support you. I really feel that if your dad knows, he’ll seem more down-to-earth and the fantasies will go away.
But, if neither of them are liberal and you think they’ll freak out, you could just try to bring your dad down-to-earth in your mind. Really, take your dad off that pedestal you made for him, and he won’t seem so attractive.
But in case that doesn’t work, I think a good solution is block that website. Seriously. Filter your own browser to block yourself from sexual content, then make a password of random nonsense that you’ll forget so you won’t be able to get put down of the filter. If you don’t know how to do that, let me know what browser you’re using, and I can guide you step by step.
If you just feel like talking about anything, you can email me:
neverknown(at)hushmail(dot)com
@”It really does help, but you’d need a solution.” lol Did I really say you’d need a “solution” for that cream? I meant a “prescription”.
I kind of agree with Ningyou, btw. And maybe telling your parents is kind of risky, depending on what kind of people they are. You know them best.
Hey kid: I’m 48 y.o. and something similar happened to me. My buddy’s little girl got it across to me she felt that way. She actually had an orgasm just, basically sitting next to me (and I’m not super attractive). I think your dad would tell you that the hormones shooting through your body right now, helping you to grow and mature are shaping your thoughts and feelings. Don’t kill yourself and don’t feel guilty because you’re lusting after your father. It’s pretty common and it will stop. You can masturbate all you want thinking of your dad because there will be no lasting problems. I told this girl much the same thing (except the masturbate part) and if it happens again we’ll just ignore it. I’ve loved her like a daughter since she was just a little baby since I never had children of my own. I’m not going to alienate her because mother nature is playing a temporary joke on her. The skin problem is an easy fix. I had bad acne as a kid and Accutane cured it up in a couple months.