Well I obviously hate my life… I go back and forth between the thought of committing suicide and the thought of running away. I’d rather run away but I have nowhere to go and nothing to follow… so I guess the only option I have is to kill myself.
It’s nothing spontaneous, I’ve felt suicidal for the past 5-6 years of my life… since the time my brother got sick and died. He was 14 years older than me and was in the military. At that time he was around 20 yrs old, I was very little. One day he just fainted at work and after a thorough analysis we found out he had cancer. He tried chemo and all sorts of treatments but he was terminally ill. My family struggled a lot, along with him. They tried to shelter me, I guess, because they’d avoid any kind of cancer-related conversation around me but I could see my brother was getting worse, coughing up blood and becoming more and more pale and thinner. When he died he was so skinny, he was literally only bones and skin. I remember my mom telling me not to look at his face in the coffin but I did it anyway.. that image haunted me for several nights in a row. Me and my dad lost faith in god afterward… I had to blame someone for taking my brother away from me and the only person I found guilty was god. If at some point in my life I had my doubts regarding god’s existence, now I’m sure he doesn’t exist. So I don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, heaven or hell, reincarnation or any other similar crap.
I was a socially retarded child, I had good grades in school… I didn’t learn because I wanted to. No, I would learn because if I didn’t get high grades my mom would beat the shit out of me. She hit me so bad I couldn’t sit down for days when I was little and couldn’t write cursive like the rest of the pupils. The first time I tried committing suicide was when I got a 9 (in my country 10 is the highest grade) at literature. I was so afraid of my mom beating me up that I thought it would be easier if I killed myself so I tried jumping out the window but some men across my building talked me out of it. I was 14 yrs old at that time. I got into the best high-school in my town and made my parents so happy. My mom stopped hitting me. The thoughts of committing suicide, however,did not leave my mind.I tried overdosing and cutting my veins but never had the guts..
I had my happy moments in life but if I were to sum them up and compare them to all the bad moments, the balance would lean in favor of the shitty moments… I’ve never felt complete in all my life, I could never feel content with what I have. My family is kind of poor so money has always brought heated arguments between us, we barely make ends meet… My goal in life would be to make enough money to move to England and bring my parents with me, to travel around the world, pay for a better life for my parents because I feel like I own them for having brought me up.
Now when I’m in my last year in high-school, I’m having trouble hanging in. I want to go to med school and I’m learning so much for it, I want to get in so badly but I’m afraid I’ll never pass my end of high-school exams, because of math. I never liked math and it became harder for me to understand it so now I run the risk of failing the exam.. I’ll never get to take the admission exam to med school if I can’t pass at math.
I have so many other problems on the side… I’m anti-social and I don’t think I have true friends, I just can’t keep them… I have trouble being in relationships longer than a few months. I hate the human kind, I wish everybody died and left the planet to animals.. I feel a bit of satisfaction whenever I see the news and find out about people who died… It’s like with every person that’s dead, there’s more room for animals. I have a soft spot for animals. I’ll cry my heart out if I see something happening to any kind of animal. I only truly care about my parents and it hurts so much to disappoint them and I’m afraid of doing it. I think a lesser disappointment would be to kill myself rather than see their faces when I fail at math…
I have a plan: I’m going to live until after the simulation (there’s an admission exam simulation for med school, before the exam at math). I’m going to get a grade as high as I can, I’m going to make my parents so proud of me. Then I’ll commit suicide so they won’t be disappointed when I don’t pass at math. I think this is the best situation. I would never make it in life anyway, I don’t have that much ambition, I’m quite feeble even though I try to come off as strong.
Having said this, I feel a bit of relief… I still wish there were other ways and I still wish I had somewhere to run away to but I guess some people are just meant to take their lives away, I guess I’m one of them…it’s sort of like winning the lottery, there are so many people playing and only a few chances to win, I guess I won the chance to kill myself.
5 comments
Seriously your family lost one child already…don’t make things worse for them.
If you can’t do medical school you can do something else, just hang on.
they already lost one and got over it. they’ll get over me too.
I could do med school, if I’d pass at math…i made some bad choices, i don’t wanna live with them anymore
hello.
i lost my daughter to cancer. i know how your parents feel. if found out that my daughter had taken her own life. i would have never forgiven myself. i would spend all day every day asking y my child did it. if my daughter cleaned up elephant shit i wouldnt have cared. she would be alive. dont you dare say for a second that they would get over it. i will never get over my familys death. ever… please just tell your family the truth, tell them your stressed out and you need help. i would have done anything for my amber. anything.. dont give up on your parents.
OK first of all: Albert Einstein sucked at school, and look where he ended up! Being bad at math is not the end of the world. Get a tutor, get some extra help from the teacher if you have to. BUT most of all – you are worth so much more than whether or not you get into med school.
I hear you that you’ve gone through some tough times. Really tough times. And I’m not going to try to minimized your pain. Right now you feel like death is the only way out but – you know what? It just plain isn’t. You have way more options than running away or dying. A counselour, a friend, a teacher, anyone you talk to could help you see this.
I understand you have some frustrations with God. Lots of people do, and it’s understandable that you would question why bad things happen and why He lets them. But I believe in Him and I believe that it’s not Him, but people and this broken world that causes bad things to happen, and He uses them to help people grow stronger. It’s not a complete answer but — I do know that He loves you so much no matter if you fail math or not, or anything like that. If you want to consider finding your faith again, http://www.knowinggodpersonally.org/ is a good place to start, or I’d love to talk to you.
But even if you’re not interested in that, I’d really like to talk to you. Maybe you can get some more off your chest. Talking helps. I’ve been low before. Very low. I haven’t gone through the same things you have but I can understand being in that much pain. I got through it. I’d love to talk. email me at carin@uoguelph.ca or AIM your semaphore.
Hi straywolf,
I was really ambivalent about posting here. My first instinct was to just keep on moving, like most people do in a big city when someone is convulsing and dying on the sidewalk.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make you my problem. Its just that I identified with so much of what you said, I almost can’t stop myself posting on your thread.
For some background : –
I checked out this website because I was feeling isolated, and am also planning to end my life in the next couple of months. On and off, I’ve been wanting to end my life since the age of 15. I’m now 57.
I’ve set up two suicides and copped out of both of them at the point of no return. At 19 I sat on the edge of the wall around the top of 22 story building for about 30 mins before changing my mind. At 35 I tried to gas myself in my car in the garage at home, but it got so hot, humid and stuffy that eventually I couldn’t stand it any more and had to get out of the car. In between 15 & 57 there have been many times when I’ve thought about and planned suicide. Like you too, I don’t think much of humans as a group, although I have met many people I’ve really liked and in some cases admired.
I guess the chance is very slim that anything I say will change what you think. But you did post here, so if you’re not trolling, maybe you might be interested some feed back.
I don’t believe suicide is wrong, or that its necessarily “cowardly†or any of that crap.
I have personally known six people who have ended their lives, including my mother who died a year ago. I am sure they all believed that they had good reasons to do so. Also, the mother of one of my other friends, killed herself when my friend was 20. Eleven years later, when she was 31 my friend still cried when she told me about her mother.
You can be absolutely certain that when people kill themselves, even when the reasons are clear and acceptable, they will certainly cause emotional pain and heartbreak to others who care about them.
Even when the reason is terminal painful illness, there is still sorrow.
Even so, I tend to regard such arguments as emotional blackmail when made to me.
To me, the logic is that everyone WILL die eventually, so why can’t you make your OWN choice as to when and how you will die?
On the other hand if you do make that choice I think its important that its based on good reasoning and preferably in the quickest and least painful way.
Straywolf, if you’re in high school finals I think (not sure) that puts you in the 17-19yr age group.
I can tell you categorically that I have never regretted not killing myself at 19 years. If I had, I would not have had the experiences and seen the things I have. Admittedly, if I hadn’t been so intent on finding reasons to feel miserable, I would have enjoyed myself a lot more, but that can’t be helped. I did try to be positive a lot of the time, and when I did, it seemed to work. In fact, if I had killed myself at 35 I would also have missed out on a lot, including some of the most incredible sex of my life.
I’m not saying that you will have a happy and successful life if you don’t kill yourself. You may well fail your med school entrance exams, and your mother may well be disappointed. Many other bad things may happen. On the other hand, the probability is that if you carry on living for a bit longer, you may have amazing experiences you never thought possible. Once you are dead, nothing is possible, you will never get another chance ( unless you believe in reincarnation, which you and I don’t.) You won’t even have the pleasure of looking back at the World you have left and seeing the effect of your death.
In a way, you might be starting to deal with the issues in your life the right way. You seem to be taking each stage as it comes, like a pro tennis player or golfer plays each point/hole one at a time.
Stage 1 for you seems to be getting good results in your sims.
Your plan then seems to be to go out on a high and kill yourself, before proving that you are a failure in the real thing. Is the idea maybe that your folks can be proud of the potential of their kid, and not disappointed in you as a failure? That might happen, but having been around and seen parents put up shrines to kids cut off with “so much promiseâ€, I’m not convinced the idea really works.
(Of course I could be completely wrong and your subconscious motivation may be to punish them for their failure to accept you for who you are, and show them what they have lost. It may even be that deep inside you a character exists that wants you to be a failure and has planned for it. Obviously I don’t know everything, there could be a myriad of complex reasons, but I don’t believe in Fate as a cause, any more than I believe in God/Yahewa/Allah.)
Anyway, of course, if you do ok in the sims, then you could take it a step further and see how you do in the real thing; Step by step, point by point.
Actually there may be another way.
Planning suicide, then living on can be the ultimate freedom. If you had killed yourself, then you would no longer exist and all the expectations and demands would fall away. If you were not dead, you would be free to start again and be what you wanted. Of course, once dead, you won’t be able to enjoy that freedom. But if you tell yourself that your old life has ended as if you were dead – (pretend ok) – then you can make new choices and follow pathways without any of the old emotional baggage. Ok its not going to change your character nor your personal situation, but you will have given yourself permission to act differently and THINK differently. That is one of the things I have done at various times and it seemed to work for me for a bit.
So then you can look at what your plans used to be before you killed your old self.
Basically – I think your plan was going to med school so that you can be a doctor, get rich and take your folks to live in England?
Mmm… so what is the point of being a doctor ?
Because you like people and want to help them? …..Maybe not – You couldn’t care less if the whole of humankind got wiped out. There must be better things to do than keeping humans alive and breeding?
So then – Because you want to get rich? …..Well I’ve been a lawyer for 30 years and I’ve seen a lot of people get rich. People like lawyers and doctors can earn good money. The people who make real money, faster, tend to be in commerce and banking; but people seem to be able to earn a living doing anything that they are really good at and are happy to work hard at.
So that your folks can be proud they have a “Doctor†in their family – …Yeah, maybe – but that’s not a lot of compensation for being stuck grinding away in a “profession†that you don’t really enjoy. (Yep that’s me)
Because its easier for you to get into England as a doctor? -…. Thats not necessarily true anymore. Also, I’ve been living in England for the past 10 years. I’ve also travelled round the US and my sister lives in Texas. If I could have swapped my British nationality for US citizenship I would have done it like a shot. I don’t know how much time you have spent in England, but the UK is not as marvellous as you might think. Agreed the UK has more of a social services net, which might be what you’re aiming at, but the US still has much more opportunity both in how to earn a living and places to live in.
Sorry, I’ve run out of characters I think.
Damn … before I even got to the antisocial/liking animals bit. ( I identify with that too.)
I’m not sure if its possible to pm people on this site, but if it is and you want to discuss more, then feel free, tho I’m not sure I’ll respond to any comments on this post.