Okay, this is probably going to be a lengthy rant. I am a college student, 23 years of age. Every day, all day long I think of nothing but how to end my life. I know I will be missed, at least I hope people care enough to miss me, and i know if I go through with it people will be hurt. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I still just want to go through with it.
I have had a heart problem for most of my life known as vasal vagal syncopy. My case is very severe. It causes me to black out many times during the day. I can’t have caffeine beverages and I can’t do anything fun. Roller coaster and theme park rides are out of the question along with anything that causes adrenaline to start pumping. Even driving down steep hills or riding in elevators can cause my head to spin and my limbs to go numb. I can’t do anything about it or get the medicine to correct it because I have no health insurance and no job. My health is too poor for me to work. Social security won’t assist me because they believe that a 23 year old with one problem, no matter how severe doesn’t deserve a ” free ride”.
Aside from my heart problem I suffer from severe bipolar disorder. The struggle to get out of bed every day and deal with the constant depression is almost not worth it. Combine this with my heart problem and it is crippling.
Just last year my father passed away at the age of 83. I know what you’re thinking ”an 83 year old with a 23 year old kid?” Yep. For some reason I remember none of the first thirteen years of my life. After that I remember him mistreating my siblings and my mother because of his bipolar. When I turned sixteen I moved out of the house. At eighteen I got married ( which I will talk about shortly) only at 20 did I realize it wasn’t his fault and I couldn’t hate him for what he did to us. So I moved in to my parents home to care for them. I had two good years with my father until he died the day after my 22nd birthday. Which I blame on myself. You see, the day before he died, my birthday, I took a trip to the big city and ran out of gas in a bad neighborhood. I called my mother to see if she could help and my father started freaking out. he got really excited and didn’t calm down til we made it back home. He died early the next morning.
Less than six months after he died, my mother met another man online and he shortly after moved into her home. I was supposed to like a complete stranger who takes my fathers place beside my mother just months after my father dies?
I really am ranting, sorry, but I hope it helps me.
So since he is there I decide to move to my sisters in Seattle and get my life on track like it had been before. But my mother says she stills needs me and her and her new man decide to buy me a house. Of course I agree to a free house. One month later though they expect me to take over payments on a house I didn’t want even though they know I have no job.
Around this same time all of my closest friends either join the military or move entire states away. My relatives become estranged from me because I am trying to befriend my mothers new boyfriend and they don’t like that. So now I have no one but my wife.
Now comes the fun part. We married young and she was abusive both emotionally and physically before the I do’s were even said. I don’t know why I married her, I probably thought I would never find or deserve anyone better. Things are just getting worse in that department.
Also, I started college classes because that’s what my father always wanted from me. But I feel like I may fail my classes. Not because of my intelligence, I am a menca member in fact, but simply because I am terrified of both success and change and a massive list of other thing as well.
I know suicide is not the answer, but sometimes it feels like the only one I can come up with and I fear that if things don’t change soon I may go through with it.
Sorry if anything was misspelled. I typed this out on my phone.
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4 comments
Can you take some time out from college to get your thoughts in gear? You’re getting yourself into a viscous cycle – you’re college work is affected by your mood, and your mood is made worse by your college work being affected. So if you can, take a break – maybe a year out, to get your thoughts in gear, get your mood up so when you go back you can get on and do the work without worry. Seek help from your doctor. Find people to talk to and use your time off to make a plan for how you are going to keep going. Don’t be terrified of success – you are in control after all.
Sounds like you never had the opportunity to decide what you want to do for yourself….to many other people in the mix. You need to step back and figure out what foreverloser wants to do…and that includes changin’ your ID.
Make choices soley based on what you want to do, and what fosters your being, not others….too much enmeshment going on which has confused your focus and inner contentment. Cheers
Please don’t be afraid.. If you go to college you will be able to get a good career. Hopefully you can find one that will you bring joy. I hope that things work out God bless you! ^.^
I too suffer from something similar that you are describing, I have never been diagnosed with a specific illness, but I have great difficulty dealing with changes in elevation, I get incredibly sick in car rides, especially if we are going down hills. I can’t get on a roller coaster, it causes the same problems. I throw up and get a wicked headache and dizzyness from this, it’s horrible and really starting to inconvinence my life. I am only 25, and living with this is getting really hard. I went through college as well, and I recommend that if your worried about passing classes already, get out and get into a trade school. So many of my friends and myself have had difficulty getting jobs with a 4 year degree from a university. I have a friend that just graduated law school 2 years ago, she still hasn’t been able to get full time work and lives at home with her parents. I also suffer from depression and suicidal idealation. It’s okay to want to kill yourself, it happens to many people. Just don’t try to follow through with anything, you sound like a smart person and the world needs people like you. I hope knowing that there are people out in the world that are dealing with the same issues you are having, will make you feel a little better about it. I have always had a family that was never there for me, I was on my own young as well, and I understand the issue of a stepfather. My father was always in and out of jail, he went in when I was 13 and literally a day after my mother tells me she has a boyfriend, she moved this prick in. 7 years I had to put up with that bullshit, and I hated him most of the ride. He recently passed away at 40 of a heart attack, it was such a lift off my mind, even though I don’t live with my mother and havnt for 8 years, it brought me peace to know that no matter what happens in life, he won’t ever come back in it. Try to take care of yourself and keep your head up!