I’ve been following the stories on this site for a little while now and the site has been an escape of sorts, but i am yet to post my story, before i do i want to applaud everyone who’s shared. Its always nice to know one is not alone.
In contrast to the way most of the stories on here start I’ve had a great life. I’ve always had an amazing family, I had the best time in high school: cliche popular guy, dating fantastic girls. Good grades. No one could second guess me and i forged rock hard friendships that hold this very day.
Of course everything wasn’t fun and games, but by the time i had hit 19 I was living in my own heaven enjoying and doing well at the university of london and still surrounded by the same group of people that i had grown so close to in high school [which was strange considering i went to high school in the south of france] So now i was a uni student in london, i had changed my high school sweetheart for a great girl in uni. Everything was perfect. The ultimate work hard/play hard group and we had the world at our feet.
Then something happened, it was like a light switch. i wanted more. My mind wouldn’t rest, and eventually i even left sleep behind. Before i knew it i’d created some kind of delusionary world where i was at its center. Its so surreal to actually write this into words, but i began to believe i was living in some sort of game, where literally anything was possible and the only obstacle was my mind. Suddenly everything became secondary, my friends, my girlfriend, my studies, as i continued down this destructive path. I was breaking some of my oldest friends hearts and especially my girlfriend as they watched in horror as i continued. Seeking the “truth”, i felt like i was nearing the end of this game, and i truly believed i had finally re captured ancient secrets to life. The secrets to bend matter, or run faster than anyone had run before, the idea of flying was no longer impossible. It was just a matter of time. It was an unbelievable feeling. Suddenly everything had meaning, there was no such thing as coincidence or chance, everything had been leading to this one moment. Its too bad my life couldn’t have ended there. The height of everything.
So now it was “operation save mike” everyone [friends, family] rallied together to ‘help’ me and eventually i was sectioned under the mental health act section 2. I went from my uni halls to this hospital in an ambulance, my girlfriend accompanied me, but i almost had no idea where I was going, it was like i’d reached the next level of my game.
Life inevitably goes on. I sought to break the boundaries of this world, and before i knew it my whole world came crashing down on me and every authority that could get their hands on me crushed this illusory world i was creating/had created. Time relentlessly rolled forward, i lost the girlfriend, i failed my uni year, and after ‘losing’ my mind a second time, this time at home in france i decided to start taking the anti-psychotics they were originally trying the stuff down my throat. The worst depression followed, but thank god for my friends who all stood by me, when i was high or low and with their help i recaptured who i once was, so i reached 21 and i was back on form, a new girl on my arm now, back on track. But i couldn’t escape the feelings of grandeur i once had and it hung over me like a dark cloud, waiting to burst.
To cut this back and forth story short i’m now 23 – i’ve given up on my degree after something similar happened again. Believe me I tried to sort myself out, but after fucking it up 3 times you just have to face the music. Studying costs money, and i’ve wasted a bunch of both mine and my parents. The last time i was truly happy and not “manically happy” was when i was 19. Its easy to confuse the two which is probably why I’ve lasted so long and spent moments convinced that i’m back on track with life and this time in it to win it.Â Since then I’ve VERY SLOWLY watched my life slip out of my fingers and now i’ve moved back home with my parents. I’ve completely lost who i was. The young, happy, confident boy has been destroyed and i can really only blame myself. Friends and family say, “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself”, but maybe in the end that’s not what matters, what matters is that I’ve got to live with the results. This is the life i have created for myself. To be so alien to myself is the worse pain.
My self – esteem is shot to shit, and my old life can never be recaptured. I look at my options and they don’t exist anymore. I can safely say that I am the loser now. I keep plodding along for the sake of my mum and brother who I feel would be truly devastated to lose me, but its tough. To fall from such heights so far.
Another problem is that with each passing year I become something less. I’m naturally withdrawing from my friends as this depression swallows me whole.
If we are all destined to die at some point I truly struggle to answer the question: why not today? Especially when I know that the sooner I die the better I can preserve my legacy. I want to be remember for being fun, loyal and trustworthy, not for being recluse.