It’s one of those mornings. I haven’t slept at all, and I should be at school. I can’t even be bothered to take a shower, despite the odor in my bedroom. I only leave my room to eat, piss, shit, or to grab a smoke. The last couple of months, I’ve been tying and untying a noose every other night. Some nights, I get as far as standing on a chair, with the damn thing around my neck, ready to jump. Then, panic and the instinct of self-preservation kicks in.
The thing is; I’m not sad. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t want to cry. I’m not angry at anything. I’m just… Physically alive, without a single fucking logical purpose to exist. Every day is the same absurd crap; Â consumption of food, urination, defecation, sleep, etc. All the stuff in-between, as social interaction, is just as pointless. It’s a lot like masturbation to me – I know there’s a better alternative, but I still do it.
Ironically, sex doesn’t satisfy me either. Nor do drugs. I’m a social user of cannabis, and I’ve had some pretty fun high times, but as my motivation to exist faded, so did the fun of getting stoned. All I can think while smoking now, is “Why the hell am I doing this? It’s not as great as it used to be, so why bother?”
I’m considered as smart, often referred to as “the IQ of the group”, and I admit that’s partially true. I’m not stupid, and my IQ is in fact just below levels of geniosity. This is probably the most demotivating thing in my life – I know I can do amazing stuff, but I just don’t. Unused potential. I’m like some sophisticated machinery, slowly covering myself in rust, only taking up space. Â The only things that make me feel better are starting to seem repulsive. The thought of doing something just to have a slightly better day is just ridiculous – why bother, when it doesn’t matter?
So yeah, I see no reason to live, but I’m too much of a coward to hang myself or slash my wrists, too poor to buy enough of any kind of drug I could OD on, and I’ve got no access to guns or cars, so I can’t spraypaint the walls with my brain, and I can’t give an exhaust pipe a blowjob.
Oh, and there’s this other thing too… I’m too afraid to hurt my friends and family to actually kill myself. Too bad that suicide is pretty much all I can think of.
6 comments
same deal… try jumping off a bridge head first.
very much same as you self man.
im extreamly smart,in my head i believe that i can do anything i want to but have not done a single thing.i just did enough in school,dropped out of college twice ,changed jobs,tried to find easy ways of making lots of money quick using my smarts.gave up on everything and now i know im going to kill my self.
but even now i think i can do anything i want,i just dont want to cuz i see no point,nothing pulls me towards it that much.
im quit good with people ,people are very quickly drawn to me for some reason,i consider my self to a very confident person and mentally i know im very capable but i really lack in will and motivation.
any sort of effort is just such a drag .
i know i can get out of this depressed state but i see no point in it.
Sounds all too familiar.. I have no advice. I’ve been this way on and off for decades and for the past month just keep envisioning ways to kill myself. Trouble is, cat is out of the bag, so now, I have to figure out how to do it and make it really look like a legitimate accident. Otherwise the 3 people I love will blame themselves for not “saving” me. They “saved” me 3 years ago, but all I’ve been doing for 3 years is pretending that I’m over it when really the ONLY thing that keeps me from doing so is the pain it will cause my 3 friends. I have the will power and the resources to do it, but like everything else in the world — what’s the point? There’s no point to anything, even death. We’re just nature’s worst experiment.
Have you tried living outside the limits of societal expectations or going further than repeating the common rituals of thousands similar to you by escaping life through routine and drugs? You fall into routine too easily. Test yourself (i don’t mean with suicide) just be creative and work your way through the loop holes of society. If you are truly are the ” IQ of the group” you’ll soon come to realization of what those loop holes may be. Challenge yourself instead of repeating what too many have done. You are just lumping yourself into the ever increasing group of worthless ‘smart’ people.
I always thought the greatest evidence for God was our recognition of a need for a greater purpose. The thing is, you’re right – life IS pointless…. unless there’s a right and wrong, unless there’s a “beyond”, unless there’s some spiritual aspect to life. If you think you might be interested in exploring a purpose…. I’d love to talk, or you can check out http://www.knowgodpersonally.org/…. it has some good resources.
Otherwise, I’d still like to chat if you’d just like someone to listen about anything. We don’t have to talk religion. I’d just like to hear your story. carin@uoguelph.ca (MSN/email) or yoursemaphore on AIM.
@Latika:
Good idea, if I knew where to start. One of my favourite “hobbies” is to exploit the social structure. I can make pretty much anyone like me, I can make most of my friends feel better by not saying a word, I can get away with a lot of stuff, just because I know how to handle authorities. Is that what you mean by loop holes?
@Gholi & justshootme:
As I suspected, I’m not the only one who feels like really expensive waste, like an Aston Martin, no longer in use, though it only needs an oil change. I appreciate the support, but it does nothing for me. That is, unless you guys want to team up and become supervillains and destroy the world with me. Don’t see that happening. Excuse my sense of humor; I don’t take anything seriously.