Well I’m still here….unfortunately

Well this is my second posting, it’s been awhile, but as the title says I’m still here. If you want to know my while story read my first post titled “If I only knew then what I know now”. In summary i turned 40 yrs old not too long ago and suffer from social anxiety disorder. It’s not as severe as many others may have, I am able to function in society, but can’t make any real connections. In truth I’ve been alone my whole life. Even surrounded by family who I love and who love me I am alone. I tried suicide once at age 19, but it was a pathetic attempt, really don’t know why i thought it would work. Nonetheless, afterwords seeing the pain it caused my family I know I couldn’t hurt my parents like that again so i resigned myself to just suffer though life. I tried therapy… didn’t work. So now I just go through life…go through the motions. Routine was my savor and my curse. I do the same things day in and day out basically. Any change in the routine causes my a lot of anxiety. On the other hand the routine is driving me insane, I mean it’s been the same thing for 20 yrs! Whats really been bothering me lately though is I am know officially a 40 yr old virgin…god I hate that damn movie. Whats worse is I’ve never even been on a date, never kissed anyone, never been in love, and whats killing me is I now know I never will. People are always trying to discover the meaning of life, it’s purpose. Well from my perspective the answer IS LOVE. Without that nothing else really matters….and I don’t care how sappy that sounds. It’s true. That’s all I see now. People loving each other and caring for each other. It’s tearing a gaping hole in my gut. I don’t want to go on anymore, it just hurts too much. There is no way i can do this for another 40 yrs. It’s to damn hard and to make matters worse age has caught up with me, because now my body is falling apart. I am in physical pain every day too. It’s making my wonder why I keep punishing myself like this, why i don’t just put an end to all of it. My god I never thought my life would turn out like this, that I could let it get so bad so hopeless. I just wish I could comment to doing something, I so very much want to die for it to simply be over, but I still don’t want to hurt my family that way and I know some say well you love your family isn’t that enough? Well believe me I wish it was, but for me without that someone special in your life you are just a spectator in life forced to watch other people be happy. Oh god well it’s now 1:00 in the morning, I’m drunk, and I have to be at work in 5 hrs…..I wish there was a god, I’d pray for and end to this pathetic excuse for a life….maybe I’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow………………..