Hi
My name is Herman, and I have been suicidal for a very long time. It is strange, now that I want to tell my story my mind is going blank.
I had a shitty childhood. I am now 37. Many days I think that my childhood broke me. Like a stick that is broken. Many people experience problems and bend with it and recover; but I think I was broken.
I could never make friends. I have always tried so hard to make friends – but never seem to fit in anywhere. I would go out of my way to meet new people or to show my interst in friendship, but it would never work. My only salvations was and still is my wife. We have been married now for 15 years.
The reason why I am writing is to try and describe my state of mind.
I feel empty. I feel like my mind is like a blank nothing.
I struggle to find emotion and if there is a inclink of emotion it explodes into the extreme.
Even though I am married – I have no friends, no one to share with, I feel lonely, I feel pushed away.
It feels like I should not have been born. Like my life was not ment to be. I feel like a alien on earth – like I am on a different planet.
I struggle to find spiritual purpose. I have been a devout christian for many years, but has left christianity now for 2 years. It has been very hard. It is nice and save to have a believe system. No one in christianity cared for me anyway – and at the end of the day they were just like the rest of humanity.
I have difficulty to consentrate and have severe memory problems. I sometimes looses days. When I get to a clear day when my mind can focus, I would have little or no recollection fo the previous days.
I am an alcoholic – because for a moment I feel good.
I am on anti-deppresants; but I am quite sure its nothing more than sweeties EFEXOR-XR 75mg.
I have been thinking of suicide so many times this past month – that it makes me sick. I cant do it becasue what about my wife, what will happen to her.
Man I am struggling to explain myself. How the fuck can a person put in words what is inside. I am like a fucking computer program that was messed up. My PC is all fucked up with thousands of viruses. How the fuck can the pc fix itself. It cant. All it can do is crash.
Most nights when I go to bed – I lay on my bed and closes my eyes and ask – who can help me; who will come to my aid and who will show me the way? I am so tired of feeling this way. The weight is pusshing through to my bones. My brain is so tired, my mind is so tired, my spirit is so tired.
Who can help us if we are depressed – the answer is no one.
3 comments
my soul is dammed
@Herman: believe it or not, you are not the only one who feels this. in fact, there’re many people who feel like this, even I can relate somewhat with what you feel, that basically, I don’t feel like belonging in this planet or so-called “real-world”.
But nevertheless, sometimes it’s a matter of expanding your horizon, search wider & deeper, and therefore finding the *right* community or group of support.
Internet has always been a great tool. Try google these things for starter:
1. google “free MBTI test”, and click on 1st link and try to fill it out, see what’s the result you’re coming with.
2. google “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) test”, and see if you’re one of them.
3. google even more ‘weirder’ stuff like: Indigo characteristics, Starseed
and see if it rings a bell with you.
Believe me, once you’re able to search, and find the *right* community,
everything might starting to change…and no longer feels that ‘heavy’ anymore.
Because at your current point, you are lonely. and when you’re lonely, and having all these sort of mental problems, without ANY help, you usually would just circle & spinning downward deeper & deeper, into abyss.
what you need is to actually to go OUTWARD and try to CONNECT with experiences OUTSIDE of your mind & body. and for that, often you’ll need other person/people, or experiencing other experiences that you’ve never experienced before. basically, just TRY putting yourself out there.
At the core Herman, as strange as this may sound….you’re gifted, not defective. Anyone who’s sensitive, and has a rough childhood comes to a point in their life where things are just perpetually out of place.
You may want to check out John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming”…he’s an authority in family dysfunction and a pioneer in recovering your childhood. It takes work, and I’d strong encourage you to do a little research into it.
I have little to no memory from on e day to the next and has been getting worse. If you’d like to chat more, you can msg me on skype… softsoul9 is my ID. You are not alone my friend…not at all. All the symptoms you’re having are quite common for a lot of people. It’s a planetary thing when you’re affected to the degree you are. Take care.