I want to die.

I want to die, and I’m not sure that I want anyone to stop me, but someone should see the beauty of  my plan.

So I have a good friend named “Mary”.  For Christmas I opened up bank accounts for her niece and nephew.

Shortly there after, I went to the local gun shop and had someone tell me all about the different types of guns and tell me which one would be easiest for me to use.  They sold me one that very day!

Later, I took Mary to the bank with me and added her to the kids accounts as a “precaution” in case anything were to happen to me.  I also made her the beneficiary of my accounts.  She looked at me funny and asked if I was suicidal.  I played it off and she let it go.

Then I wrote my Last Will and Testament and had two unsuspecting friends go with me to have it notarized.  They questioned me, but I told them that a Will had to be updated if you moved to a new state.  They too let it go.  I sent copies to my family and told them it was for “Just in Case”.  They thought nothing of it.

I opened a safe deposit box at my bank and put a few valuables and my Will in it.  Marys’ name is on that account as well, but this time she didn’t question it a bit or bother to look in the box.  I put her on the account because I don’t want the executor of my Will to have access to what is in that box.

I wanted to wait until after her birthday because I didn’t want to ruin it for her.

On my chosen night, I spent all day and night packing up my possessions and putting them into piles for specific people.  My roommates didn’t notice a thing.  Once they were asleep I took my gun and ID and left the house.  I walked to the local hospital.  I am an organ donor, so I thought that the hospital was the best place to be.  I sat there… in front of the hospital… with the gun in my mouth.  No one noticed.   I sat there for a long time, empty.  Cold and empty.

I don’t know why I didn’t pull the trigger.  I wonder about that still.