I’m even starting to feel like, I don’t belong even on this site.
Like people are judging me, thinking I’m pathetic or not worth the time.
Even on a site where, suicide is the topic, and people are sharing their troubles, I feel like I’m not worthy of doing the same.
Guess it doesn’t matter if I eventually get the ending to my pain that I really want.
43 comments
): we welcome you here, at least i do… you shouldn’t be judged, and you are worth the time. why aren’t you “worthy to do the same” i think you are… i hope you don’t do suicide…i hope things get better for you
I don’t know, it just suddenly hit me that once again, I don’t feel worthy to do the things other people do. Much like, I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, to go out or to eat, or to have a reason in life.
Thanks, for the thought, I just don’t see that they will.
): aww… well…you are worthy of doing things others do… you deserve to be happy and to do anything a “normal” person would do… and i wish you the best of luck at being happy… tho i don’t wish you luck at being “normal” because normal isn’t unique…i hope you achieve your own degree of normal, a good state of mind for you that keeps you smiling…
I don’t feel like I am worthy or deserving of much.. It even took me a long time to build up enough to post for the first time on this site, because I didn’t think I deserved to do it, or see the point in doing it. But I don’t see the point in anything anymore, so I just did it anyway.
Thanks for the wish for happiness, but I can’t actually remember what being happy feels like. It’s an odd feeling, to not remember.. I can picture happy moments, but I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy. Often thats where alot of the cutting comes from, wanting to feel something, even if that something is pain.
what you said about wanting 2 feel something, even if it’s pain, i know that feeling…i know it well…that’s one reason i cut…
): i don’t know if it helps, but i really honestly think you are deserving of everything anyone else is. you seem like a goodperson, you deserve the best ^^
Yeah me too. The other reason is of course, punishment that I deserve.
I guess it doesn’t help me to feel better, but it’s nice to know. I’ve heard alot, from people who know me though. who are the ones who supposedly love me.. when they don’t know that I can hear them, saying how I’m dragging them down or, letting them down. Or even letting everyone down. So, I don’t really feel like such a great person, and they’re right.
not you solu
you don’t deserve punishment (wow that’s also one of my reasons…)
you are a wonderful person i’m sure, from what you’ve written to me and others i think you are a deserving and good person. IT’S THEM WHO ARE THE BAD ONES (sry i get really frustrated with people like that…) i can relate to hearing those sorts of things spoken behind your back… but… please try to be happy…or smile…or something… (: you are you, and you are Unique… you don’t drag anyone down, and you can only lift yourself and others higher. only you can do this. you are you, you are deserving, you are amazing…i hope thatyou can escape the dark’s hold on you and burst free from these feelings of worthlessness, to a sky full of light and hope and joy… that is waht you deserve. dont’ let the dark drag you down (:
I’m sorry I’m jumping in rather late, but look, I know the feeling.
If you want to have a talk, get personal, you can always e-mail me. Maybe we could talk a bit about nihilism.
lifethroughdeath @ hotmail . com
Even if you feel like you don’t deserve it, just e-mail me. When you’re bored or when you just want someone to talk to.
meaiin what
@Maeliin I feel like I do though. And then even when cutting I feel more guilty because I know everytime I do it I’m breaking a promise, and it hurts so much but I just can’t stop.
Sometimes they’re also said to my face, too. But even before hearing anyone say that to me, I already know that I’ve let so many people down, and that I’m dragging people down. I guess thats why many people have broken off from me, because they don’t want to be let down anymore. What you just said there.. might be pathetic, but it made me cry. In a way, I don’t feel like dark has a hold on me, more that, it is offering me this darkness and I’m accepting it, because it’s what I deserve. And I just can’t remember what these feelings of joy are anymore. I’ve tried smiling, I stood in the mirror for about an hour trying to remember that smile that I used to have but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
@ LifeThroughDeath
I’ll think about it, maybe. At the moment I feel pretty exhausted, I can’t sleep but I just feel too drained. I don’t use my e-mail too much, but maybe I’ll use it at some point to send you an e-mail. You’re right, I don’t feel like I deserve it. Infact right now, I’m just feeling like I’m letting you all down by having you waste your time posting to me.
): sorry that what i said made you cry… i wish there was something i could do to make you feel like you deserve to live…and not like you deserve teh dark…
(also i ready ur responce 2 lifethroughdeath yea…) your not letting anyone down… we’re not wasting our time by posting to you, rather we’re using our time wisely to help you as best we can, we care about you, we want to help you, and we will accept you, we are here for you
maeliin your not dead
joke
Talk
@blackqwert if you wish for me to be dead then dead i shall be…
No it’s not what you said that made me cry, it was just picturing that contrast between light and darkness but knowing, at one point yes, I did have the light, but I can’t remember what I feels like, so now I can’t see that light anymore, only dark. I apreciate the wish, I wish there was too, but sadly I just feel there isn’t. To start with I didn’t really want it to come to this, but the more time goes on, the more I accept and embrace that this darkness is what I deserve, not the happiness or the joy, that is for better people.
I appreciate that, but I just can’t help but feel like everything I do lets someone down. And then I know that, everyone has tried to help me, friends, college, counselling, doctors.. Nothing works, so I start to feel guilty that you guys are trying. I’ve told other people to just give up on me, since I’ve given up on myself.
solus4, just send me an email, just say “hey, it’s me”, just that, no more.
Let us talk to you. You won’t disappoint me, I promise. I’m the one making the promise, no matter how hard you try, you won’t.
Shut up maeliin. going to talk about cause not why?
i’ll never give up on you, i feel like you are too deserving for people to just give up on you… although i may not be around much longer. i want to support you as best i can…and i hope that someday you can see the light again
@blackqwert
Death is a pretty serious matter, and although I feel it is whats coming for me, thats my choice. I wouldn’t wish death on anyone else. I wouldn’t tell someone to go die, even if they wanted to. It might sound hypocritical since I’m pretty much close to doing it myself, or am in some ways by not eating, I wouldn’t wish what I’m going through on anyone, ever.
Solu45 stop been a loser.
blackqwert, honestly, fuck you. Fuck off from this website if you’re going to be an asshole.
solus, ignore him, he is an idiot. All he does all day is make incoherent posts.
blackqwert. shut up. don’t say such insulting things to others, especially to someone as amazing as solus4…
@ LifeThroughDeath
Okay, I’ll send that in a second I guess..
@Maeliin
I guess in some ways I often want people to just give up on me, so I don’t feel the sense of guilt everytime I think about ending it all. I’ve tried 4 times, but for some reason I just can’t do it, no matter how much I want to. I feel like you deserve life too, so I hope that theres a way out for you, even if I don’t have one.
I don’t mind that he called me a loser, it’s just that I think of death as someones choice, if someone wants to die then they will, if they want to live then they live. There is, a grey area in which someone just doesn’t know, and thats when they feel stuck in that they can’t live or die. But since I think of it as someones choice, I don’t think it is for others to say, you should die.
there is no way out for me, i want 2 die tonight, i’ve got it all set up now and i’m just waiting for everyone to go to bed… i honestly do hope there’s a way out for you, ifyou can, please try to let others help you, try to accept, rather than the dark, that there are many people who love you and care about you, and even more who want you to live, myself included, we wish you the best, and i really hope everything turns out ok…try to let SP help you through this, we’re all here for each other…
Maeliin, please, e-mail me. I would like to give oyu a personal goodbye before you go.
lifethroughdeath @ hotmail . com.
Please.
@lifethroughdeath… sent…
Solus45 your a loser 17 year’s old.
mealiin your how old? going to kill your self cause your first love ended ok
@Maeliin: What can I do to make you keep your promise with me?
blackqwert shut up. that’s not why i want to die i don’t give a frogs leap about life anymore…
@deep abyss… i don’t know if there’s anything…
@blackqwert
I am a loser, so you calling me that, it really doesn’t phase me, since I’ve accepted that I am.
But I really think, when you sober up and realise, that you should read up on depression, suicidal thoughts and the like, because it’s more than what most people seem to think.
@Maeliin
Like I said, death is a matter of choice, in my opinion. I would not stop you if it was you’re wish, however if by chance that you can’t go through with it, as I’ve had each time, for whatever reason I hope that you can come through this, even if I don’t. Could you send me an e-mail too, I would like to say goodbye, aswell.
Solus, good friend, I’m awaiting your email! Just a “hi”, no big deal.
@Maeliin: I thought you said you don’t break your promises. Did I remember incorrectly? Did you not promise me you wouldn’t even try to hurt yourself anymore?
Shut up im going to bed
Sorry, I forgot to attach my e-mail on the comment before
nothing4 @ hotmail . co . uk
@deep abyss… i don’t break promises…and yet i find myself unable to stop now… i can’t stop… it hurts too much to continue… i’m sorry that my promise to you of all people is the one that must be broken…
@solus4… sent…
@solus4: You’re not pathetic or a waste of time or anything. If there is something wrong, you should post it. If you ever need my help, I’ll see what I can do to help you too. I don’t always log on here much anymore like I used to, but I’ll help you if you would like any.
Maeliin, are you still here?
yes i’m here…the internet disconnected…