I recently lost my girlfriend, by that i mean we broke up, this is not the first time obviously, I lost a girlfriend over a year ago too, after 3 years, that was hard, was the first girlfriend I ever lost, so granted it would be harder, but i got through it with the friends I had and i got a band together, it was great, I was finally feeling hope again, then through my drummer i met a girl, Becca. We met literally 3 times briefly, in groups, we didn’t really even talk, but i got her number and we met up one ngiht for drinks, and that was it, she didn’t leave my house after that night, we were just so perfect for eachother, but shed’d had a bad past with boyfriends. It was my fault, I didn’t understand enough, all her exs cheated on her with their exs, one of them with litterally all of his exs, so she was paranoid when girls text me, all of them we’re just friends, except 1, the ex of 3 years, i owed her some money so she sent the same text asking for it everytime, now I was over her, and the texts pissed me off more than anything, and I told her this, but she got weird, and had a go at me alot and this was only a couple weeks in, so it pushed me away. I met up with my ex and we slept together, it was my fault, but that ended and me and Becca got back together and tried to move forward, I did everything I could to make up for it, I knew it was my fault. We lasted over a year, but she always saw my ex when she saw me, and finally she left.
Not the end of the story, you see because the drummer I met Becca through lied and said he had no feeling for her, turned out he did and my best mate in the band, who I’d known for 6 years decided to side with him so I lost my band, and my best friend, but I didn’t care because I had Becca, I chose her over my life. Because she didn’t trust me I stopped seeing alot of people, right now I only have 3 people I could call right now, and one of them is never even in the same town and always with his girlfriend, and to be honest wont do anything without my other mate who is always too busy and doesn’t really care about anyone but himself, the other friend is also usually busy, but i do see him, however we have less in common than the other mates i have, basically, I am alone now, I have nothing to fall back on, i also lost my job because of Becca and moving about. Right now I’m 25, I never thought I’d live past 50, so thats basically half my life, how can i start again half way through my life, granted I don’t know it’s half way through, but genetics and my lifestyle wont allow it to be much longer than that, so why would I want to start again, get back to the level I was at, then die when I have it, I don’t see the point.I have barly slept, I havn’t eaten, well pretty much anyway, I’ve only drank jamesons and a bit of water the past few weeks, just lost all drive.
I’ve looked into getting nitrous oxide, but it is way to expensive…should have been a dentist, I have a rope, and I have a place to hang it from, I’ve tested it, it works, it is just the pain before passing out, I wish I could cut that part out. I’ve got notes and even a DVD ready to be left, I’m all set, it’s just the pain…
58 comments
move away there is a whole world out there! work until you have enough money and get the fuck away, you can find people who will support you and making friends is not the easiest thing in the world but it can be done! A fresh start should help you out a lot, that is what I am trying to achieve right now….but for your friends to turn on you that quickly is just sad im so sorry for that 🙁 just try to relax today have personal day for yourself just get out and do all the things you love to do and ignore everyone else just for today! you deserve a relaxing day
Yeah, thats actually one thing I’ve wanted to do for a looooong time, I leave my city all the time, just not living away, it’s more hotels and a ngiht out, I only feel comfortable then, being out of this city. And the problem with making friends, is that I can do it so easily, but the friends I’ve had, it makes me not want to make any new ones, like not to the point of sharing everything, my band mate was the best friend I’d ever had, it was totally guy love, lol, turk and jd style, so was harder losing him as a friend. I’ve had 3 weeks pretty much of my time, well maybe not totally, but mostly, I have ignored the phone today though, and finding this website was a good thing. I’d like to say it’s helped alot, but I can’t say for sure.
everyone that gets out of a relationship so hurt….you did so much for this girl and she left you…and thats what ma ex did….he didnt trust me at all…n then we broke up 2 days ago…i feel your pain…i told ma mom i wanna live alone n all….but idk how far im gonna make it…im 17 and in college…i dnt have a job or anything…just a heartbroken depressing suicidle person…
i did alot for her, but at the same time i made a mistake, and maybe didn’t deserve the second chance, but i was given it, and i tried to do something with it, i guess thats what hurts more. she had a reason not to trust me, but i did what i could to show her she could, she had access to my phone, and email and facebook, all of that, my passwords are saved on my mac, so she could have always got in, and i told her she could. but i did make the mistake, and with what she went through before me i do understand. but getting with her ment i lost everything else, and now i don’t have her, so thats nothing i have, except music, which can help sometimes. but with no drive i sometimes can’t even be bothered to put it on, and i really don’t feel right touching my guitars. it’s strange that 17 was the best year of my life.
Bamuel, I am glad that you admit that you made a mistake and I have no doubt that you are now contrite; it’s difficult and I do understand. You will, however, get over it, and the stronger you feel in yourself, the quicker you will recover. I have noticed that those who recover best from breakups are those who have a strong sense of their own value, those who need others to gain value, suffer hardest. At 18 you have a great opportunity to become yourself, to become centred and to move onto a stable and happy life.
if i was 18 that would be good, but im 25, lol.
hey 18 i went through break ups, althoguh granted it was me doing the break up, but back then it was easy to recover, had friends, had time, had dreams. so it is a shame i’m not 18. i said about 17 being the best year of my life, well 17 and 18, even have a tattoo of that from blink – adams song, just lyrics changed to 18 held such better days, you can probably guess my name now too. and yes i realise that song is also about suicide. but i said about 17, because kottonkandiikid is only 17,. and feeling so bad, just strange to think how good i felt back then, that this really can hit you at any time. even though before 17 i was in a bad place for many years, but i guess atleast i got a couple of really honest good years, and i found love, it may not have lasted, but it was real, i had my 15 minutes in the sun too, so i do think about that too, that maybe i’ve actually lived enough for one life time anyway.
Bamuel, when I was 25 I panicked, I thought I was old and that life was mapped out for me. It’s odd that we can start thinking ourselves old in our twenties, or indeed in our thirties. We are not. You’ve had some good experiences and no doubt you will have more. Thing is, I suppose, is not to get hung up by the past, I do, and it does not help. You can build to happiness, you just need to believe it.
im 17 and goin thru so much shit…nutin good has ever happens in ma life…except that i met ma ex n fell inlove with him…and that i went Switzerland to see Freddie Mercury statue…those are the only 2 good things happens…and now….im all alone….where i started before i met ma ex….
that is where i go wrong, i dwell way too much, but knowing the problem or the blame and doing something about it are two different things, as you obviously know. I wouldn’t say I’m old, just that i never imagined living past 50 as i said, so 25, half way and all. It does just make it hard with no drive anymore, i mean a month has gone by, i have seen and spoken to 2 friends and that has been 3 days out of 30, when there is no body around it doesn’t make you want to move at all sometimes.
to kottonkandiikid. yeah, i get what you mean, and how you feel. i am more at peace with just ending everything, it’s actually the only thing that keeps my mind at bay, which i don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad thing. well that and jamesons helps alot. not that i’m saying alcohol is a good thing in these situations.
Sadly…i gave up drinkin abt a yr ago…and i dont really wanna drink tbh…idk…im just so fed up…i can’t cope anymore…people say…bad things happens before the good ones….there hasnt been a single good thing that has happened…except those 2…ive going through so much for the past 2 weeks with ma ex n ma family…and its so tirin…idk why i wake up…idk why im still breathin…i see no point….
yeah i tried the giving up drinking, does me no good. but has been a while except for the other day that i’d drank to excess, i guess thats something. thats how i feel, i never want to get up, i never leave the house now, just see no point. i live in the dark. so you are not alone there. not that it helps, i know that, obviously other people are going through stuff, but its all relative.
No one wnats to go through what everyone here is going through…that shit is too much…sometimes i wonder why i was born…people say shit about fate n destinies and how your life is planned n crap…if i knew ma life was gonna be like this..i woulda killed ma self long time…i hate what everyone’s going through…most of the time it’s not even their fault…this shit is too much to handle…ma heart is aching so bad…i feel like cutting it out ma chest…
see i know it is my fault, through growing up with my dad, i didn’t have to grow up and be like him. and because of that, i sabotage anything good that comes my way, i guess because i feel i’d fail, or oit wouldn’t be perfect, which as i’m sure youd agree is stupid. it’s a horrible feeling, to just want to end it, but find it dso hard to, not because you have second thoughts, but beause really, it’s not fair having to suffer to end it, when you want to end it because of suffering
right now…id do anything to die….
again, i know how youre feeling, and i hope that maybe things will work out for me later, who knows, maybe it will, maybe it wont. i’m just watching loads of films i havn’t seen in a while at the moment to takeup the time.
Im just sittin here…shakin n cryin hard….
it’s hard to say what to do. i’d say don’t let it get to you, but how much of a hypocrite would i be. where are you from?
Im from UK…how about you?
same, bristol. south west.
where abouts in the uk you from?
You aint so far from me…im from Birmingham…
i go there plenty actually.
i said i used to live in hotels, well i’d be at thje hoiday inn on lional street every 2 weeks for subway city or asylum. hour and a half by car.
Wooow…nice…ive been Bristol from college…i think we went to see some place…idk what its called….
ha, we do have a few places around here. the docks, @bristol, many historical sites, however when you live here, not so exciting to see everyday you travel down into town.
I think that place was called Wookey hall… grrr…i can’t remeber…
ahyeah, thats cheddar, just outside bristol.
Omg…that place stank so bad….it was unbelievebly gross…..it had nice caves though…
Good God, two locals, I live in Gloucestershire, so not so very far from Bristol, about 30 miles I think.
Yup, I know. We all dwell too much in our heads, we reflect too often and let reflections become our master. You need however to learn to look forward, not backwards, looking backwards merely extends the past into the present. Ok, I know it easier said than done, I was brought up in a family that always looked backwards, still does; they CBT and DBT are good as a way of gaining perspective.
Depression is all about getting lost in ones mental landscape, we get used to it, it becomes a habit but it is a dangerous one. We seek salvation in others and forget out own ability to recover. It’s there, or so I am told.
I don’t think I really realised that I had a problem until I was in my early thirties, I knew that I could not relate and was desperately shy, I was unhappy much of the time, frightened, perhaps due to my own fathers suicide, but somehow I could not bring myself to admit that I was depressed.
yeah, thats down the road from bristol.
yeah, sometimes i wish i could just lose my memory, i’d have no choice but to look forward, only the odd things would point me backwards, but if no feelings were there, then it wouldn’t affect me anyway.
i’ve always known and admitted i’ve had a problem. and sought help, but that didn’t go anywhere, each time i was being told things i already knew. sounds defeatest i know, but trust me, i wish i didn’t know all i was being told, maybe it could have been a revelation. alas however, it wasn’t.
@kottonkandiikid
yeah thats where they make the cheese, well and some cider. even though i’m from the south west i’m not a fan of either actually.
It’s good that you 2 live don’t far from me…lol
Tbh….i dnt really know what to do anymore…i have NO reason to live…i have NO reason to wake up…i just want a way out…
That cheese was horrible…they keep in there for months and yrs and ppl eat that nasty cheese….it stank so bad…ma whole college complained n all…it was terrifying..
yeah, i have no idea what to do. just been making videos to leave behind, i guess a message of some sorts. i could head out and just meet random people you know, but i don’t see the point in that, it’s not real company. and not what i need now. cant do anything really, i feel drained too with not eating or drinking so that doesn’t help, i don’t knwo what to suggest because i can’t even figure it out for myself
Im sry mate…do you kno how you gonna do it??
well the only way i have at my disposal that seems the most likely to succeed, hanging. i’d do a gas or a poison, but i don’t have all the equipment. it would be sleeping pills then get into position, and wait. only way that seems like it would work best
Im having 2nd thoughts on how to do it….hanging seems easy but i dont gots the equipements for it…
no matter what the best way is a way you don’t have to suffer much if at all. thats the problem with hanging, but hoping the sleeping pills work, they are perscription
I was prescribed to sleeping pills before…but they nvr helped ma insomnia…so i gave up…im just worried that if i hang maself…and i aint dead someone wil find me n take me to the hospital…and i dnt really want that…
yeah, that is a definate worry. but then i don’t have nayone that would find me.
not good to be found, you can end up with brain damage if found at the wrong time, not too long but not long enough.
Exactly…idk any other place i can do it at…and idk how to hang maself properly i just know the basics n all…since hanging wasnt ma original method to suicide….
yeah, it depends what method of hanging too. if you want the neck to snap, which i would try but i do worry. you have to drop a certain height depending on your height, i know i need to drop 5ft 8′, but still, i worry it wouldn’t work, so im going for sleep before i slip away. it would have been nice to have a good night before, but i tried the other night, and didn’t pan out, so thats out.
I just want a quick death….thats all…idc what method it is…just quick…tho i cant let ma family find out…ma mom knows i might do it…
yeah, the people i know already know, i figure that way it wont come as a surprise, and sure shock, but atleast they would kind of see it coming. Yeah quick and painless is what i want, well actually painless is what i want, i don’t mind if it took an hour if it was painless, i’d just stick on something i love watching and fade away.
The thing is the painless methods tend to be the least effective, pills have a low success rate for example, hanging is I think effective in 80 percent of cases as against pills which rate at about 6 percent. The point is that hanging can be bloody painful, particularly if not done correctly and let’s admit it none of us are experts. Kotten, you really should speak to your mother, you need to consider the impact on your family, I know that’s difficult but at 17 you have not really started live yet.
Bamuel, the thing is, we know the methods that should make us betterr, but we don’t really try them. It is possible to break from the past. Some surgical method to remove memory would be great but sadly not available. This is a cycle, that reenforces itself through time, a bad habit, you can break it.
I know that I am a hypocrite and I know that none none of this is easy. Depression is such a bastard, I would readily lose a limb if it would guarantee that I would never suffer again. Many don’t get it – they simply don’t understand. Actually, I don’t understand.
As to the cheese, I like it and as for cider, I was raised on it.
What am i gonna tell ma mom if i do speak to her….idc abt anyone atm but maself…if it wasnt for them i wouldnt in this pain….mom said im only 17 and i gotta face many more things…but things and people have already tore me apart…so why i should live??who should i live for?/if i do live what would i do??ill be just sufferin in this pain…ive been wanting to commite suicide since i was 11….but somehow i made it this far…i was gonna do it when i was 16 but i met ma retarded ex…and now im just desperate to do it…
i know, im trying to keep myself around and keep going. you know, hoping my mind would change, but it hasn’t for so long, just seems like theres no point.
and yeah i do agree, maybe telling your mum how you feel Lotton could help, maybe she could make things work better for you. i know it sounds stupid, but it’s true, you are young, if i had done it when i wanted to originally i wouldn’t of seen 17 and 18, i would have missed out on alot. i only dont think about that in my situation now, as i have already done alot, and feel it’s enough for me.
When you were 17..good things happened to you…but im gonna be 18 soon….and nutin good is happenin to me…i keep on thinkin…will something good really happen if i live on??? what can that be?? will it change ma life?? will it make me happy?? will i be able to stay happy???i dont have answers to that questions….and idk if those questions will really have answers….i could speak to ma mom but ma mom goes work at 9 and comes home at 7 and shes tired by then…and she watches telly n all…and even if i go down n talk to her…i can nvr smile…i start havin tears in ma eyes….and i end up runnin to the bathroom to cry….im startin to feel worser and worser….if something good is abt to happen to me…it needs to happen now…im in terrible state….uve nvr felt so much pain….nvr knew one guy could give someone this much pain….i regret fallin inlove….its destroyed me….
i feel like that, but at the same time i am glad i felt love. atleast if i succeed in ending my life, atleast i felt love in my life. it’s an important thing i think, even if you have heart break with it.
Yh….thats what i thought…atleast i got to expereince it…i jusy went n sat with ma mom n she keeps on buggin me if im ok or not…it is so fuckin irratatin….i was just layin on the couch n i didnt kno what to say…n everytime i go down…she says the same things..
well i guess she doesn’t know what to say to you, really you just need to coem out with it, even if it does shock her. it would get you talking. i’m actually thinking of having a shower, maybe heading out. just don’t know.
I guesso…but its so hard to talk to ma mom when im like this…right now im not maself…im too depressed n fucked up…im thinkin abt goin bed…but if i go bed now…ima end up cryin in bed…n i wont fall asleep till 1…and keep on wakin up in the middle of the night n all…
yeah i have that. i got these pills, but am saving the last of them. i wake up all through the night and just have to listen to music or something. i’d give you my email address, but then i wouldn’t know if i’d be here or not to answer the email. i suppose though, incase i am, and i’m up too. it’s apkelly187@live.co.uk
Im gonna go n see ma nurse soon…n see if i can some pills n all…maybe they can do something with this depression of mine…
Ill add on the messenger n all…n all email too…if im awake n all…
that could be a good idea. yu could still have alot ahead of you, things can change at 18, i say to try an hang on to atleast see that.
Im gonna try…but idk how long i can last…
i know the feeling…i really do, hell, who knows how tonight will go
Noo clue….im gettin in bed now…night lol…see yaz laterz…hope things get better for you ppl…
i hope the same for you, hope you can atleast have this nights sleep.