A year ago I had to quit the university because of social anxiety and in November I got in to therapy. I’ve responded badly to the cognitive therapy. For the past three months I’ve been really depressed. I’ve been on and off suicidal for the same period. My thoughts are a mess and I can’t function in my daily life. Now my therapist wants me to take medication for the depression, but i don’t want to. I think she will force me to take them. I just want to die. I’ve wanted to die for the past 10 years. I’m really angry with myself for not having committed suicide yet. I’ve been hoping to die before I could do something, but I’m still here. Dates have been set, and the dates have gone by, and I’m still here. I always end up thinking myself out of it, and I always regret it. Lately I’ve been thinking of hanging myself or cut my wrists as a way out. I don’t want to get better, I know it will come back, I just want to be dead. The only thing stopping me at this point is that I’m afraid of failing. I don’t know what to do.
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If CBT isn’t working for you have they suggested you try anything else?
The only thing they have mentioned so far is medication.
Do you not want to give that a go? You never know it may help, i know how you feel now because i’m right there with you but you never know how you will feel tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.
It may help for a while, but I always end up wanting to be dead. It’s just a waste of time even to try. But i guess if i don’t kill myself soon, my therapist will force me on medication.
Yeah i can totally relate, its like an endless cycle. In the end your always where you started out before. Thats kind of why i have decided that in 3 weeks i’m going to do it, no matter what. Being forced onto meds is one of the reasons i wont go into therapy. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.
I don’t think anyone can force medicine on you. I think they can suggest it, but not force you to take it. Since you made it past due dates and are afraid of failing, then just live. Live life. Live YOUR life. Change it to a way that you would like. Create an image of yourself that you like and try to become that. If you have the motivation to, you can change your life completely. I’m sure you can do it if you try and really want to turn your life around.
SO: Thank you for the support and understanding. And good luck to you too!
DA: Where I am from, they actually can, and will, force you on medication or what ever treatment they think is best for you if they suspect that your life could be in danger or if the prospects of recovery is being decreased. The only image i have of myself is the one i created when i was 11; I would either die young, or end up as an outcast. I am an outcast, I don’t fit in anywhere. And I never expected to get this old anyway (I’m 21). If I live on now, I will regret it in the future.
You will not regret living in the future. You can learn how to live life happily.
I know I will. I already have. Even when I’m happy, I know it will come to an end. One time when I was happy, I wanted to kill myself. Why, because I knew it would only go down hill from there. And it did. Is it even possible to learn how to be happy? I don’t want to live because of something that might be.
It doesn’t have to go downhill. There may be some struggles, but it can get better.