It’s been nearly three weeks since the world was told of my plan to kill myself. Now, here I am, stuck fighting to make myself want to live. I see no point in living, I’d rather just quit. It’s like being drafted to fight a useless war with no hope of victory. Friends and family want me to go on, but what good is living if it’s only done for the desires of others? I can make myself forget the utter pointlessness with simple distractions: videogames, television, exercise, conversation…but they all feel so empty. Nothing has value, nothing ever can. I don’t want to just wait through life til I die naturally. It would be like waiting in line to see a show you expect to be boring. I would love to just get some pot, be high for a month then die. As empty as a drug’s happiness may be, at least it’s so overwhelming I won’t care. But no, everyone wants me to live. I’ve seen my mother cry over it, and I can’t ignore that. I’ve got to try to want to live. I could go back to the hospital for a week and get medication this time. It’s so boring there. Why should I put myself through that when I don’t care if I “get better”? Can’t the world just understand that life isn’t that important and leave me to die? It would make whatever time I may have left so much easier.
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Also, please don’t tell my to find my own purpose. I’ve heard it hundreds of times, yet no one can convince me that there is one that could possibly override humanities insignificance in the universe. (I take the nihilist perspective.)
I’ve just been getting drunk and playing videogames for this entire year. It’s not as engaging as you might think. What sucks is I have high self-esteem and really enjoy movies and music, but needing money and hating work puts a drag on day-to-day life. Also, wanting companionship and not getting along with strangers or friends is what’s driving me to suicide (I would have killed myself last night but I got so drunk I just fell asleep).
The friends of mine who discovered my previous attempt were concerned at first, but now they are all cold toward me and sometimes even insulting (though not about my depression; just generally). I don’t care about hurting anyone through my death. My friends clearly don’t care, my family are not my friends, and if people are living to see my alive or pushing me to stay alive to comfort them, they are missing something in their own lives.
I don’t know how this should comfort you. The world may be meaningless or random, but I feel there are good thing in the world. It’s just a shame the good I see is missed by everyone I know. They all seem uninterested in what I see or think, so I’m content to keep it all to myself.
I get what you mean by the lack of engagement from alcohol and videogame. Before my planned attempt, I did alot of that and it was fine, but it kept taking more and more alcohol and weed to keep me occupied which is why I eventually decided on suicide. I must say, that sucks your friends and family aren’t supportive. I’ve had it easy on that subject. I wish I could see the good you speak of. I see the world as a completely neutral place. It has no value, positive or negative. You say you would have killed yourself last night. On that, not to say you should or shouldn’t end yourself, but if you decide to, I fully believe it is something better done if properly planned and prepared for. If you become certain you want to, set a date a month away. Make preparations and do as many of the things you want to as you can. Ignore responsibility, fuck everyone else and have fun. Make your last month great since there will be no repercussions. Then, if you still desire to die, you’ll go on a good note. Just don’t act spur of the moment.
By the good I mean anything one could enjoy. I write music and read often, and the artwork in video games is incredible and is becoming more so with new technology. It’s just weird; I’ll write something or buy a new game to play, and my friends who like music and some like games won’t show any interest; like I’m wasting their time by sharing. This is my main problem. Things are good when I’m by myself, but when I try to engage the rest of the world I become quickly frustrated. People don’t want to think outside their autopilot routine thoughts.
I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot. I’ve resolved any thoughts I have on trying to live a better life or putting my affairs in order. The way I see it, if I live the next sixty years I will keep doing whatever I’m doing now. Write music, play games, whatever else; get drunk and stay alone or get fit and make money and try to socialize. It doesn’t matter either way. I try to push away any immediate suicidal thoughts as much as possible, but the depression leaves this pollution inside me. I know even after a good day, at night all my previous feelings will creep in, so I lay and rationalize whether I should fight the feelings or give in. It’s the same inner monologue every night. There’s no need to worry about acting irrationally because I’ve been over it a hundred times. Last night didn’t start out planned other than to drink. I tried hanging out with three different friends and none of them came through. I wound up alone in my room drinking and as the merriness derailed the option of ending it became a reality. I was really set on trying to kill myself, but decided to wait and finish all my beer. I started drinking around 10pm and knew I had the whole night to decide. I started to fall asleep in my bed around 4, though, and got mad at myself for neglecting my suicide attempt.
I put two beers in my jacket and took one open to walk to the nearby hospital. I planned to jump off the top of the parking garage (it’s sky high). I saw one of my roommates on the way out the door, though, and that put a pressure on me, like I had been caught sneaking out of the house, that sort of wariness. I sat in my car to decide if I really wanted to head for the garage. I was already trying to wait to finish all my open beer and even had a suicide help line on my phone to call (I never have called it, but I put it in for curiosity, or for need). Instead, I drove onto the highway and just cruised for around an hour, got lost a bit, then headed home looking for a place to get a cheeseburger. The sun started to rise and I wasn’t about to jump off a building in broad daylight, so I went home and slept. Getting out of bed was the same struggle, though. “Do I repeat what I’ve been doing days, weeks before? Do I try and enact change? What could I change that would matter?” I guess that’s my problem; I’ve lived and helped others and I’ve lived selfishly. In the end, my trouble seems to come from my inability to get along with others, though that is what I really want. I guess I’m just trying to assure you my thoughts were recurrent and my actions were somewhat planned.
@Graychameleon: this is just my guess, but could you possibly be sort of an artist? do you write music, or story? what do you write?
I think for now it’s quite ‘hard’ living as an artist, especially in this materialistic society.
You know,..in this Life, there’s actually nothing more I’d want other than these two things:
– Continual Learning, ie: learning in wonderful sciences, mysteries of our existence and Universe, and even seek for the Truths
– Connecting with others, ie: genuine relationships with human beings, animals and also Mother Nature, as well as the Universe.
But unfortunately, today what seems to be most important is to make MONEY. and sadly, I’m very not good at it, and I even have to say I hate it so much,..because it usually bring out the worst from human beings, ie: jealousy, hatred, wars, comparisons, and all the problems of unfairness etc.
But I’ve now heard of the ‘Resistance’,
the ongoing projects like the Zeitgeist Movement, the Venus Project, try google ’em.
that tries to see what’s wrong with our current Money and capitalistic system, at the cost of what’s really truly more important in humanity.
So, I kinda still have a bit of *Hope* in it.
Also on the simple fact of sort of buddhism teaching that Everything in Nature will balance itself.
We don’t even have to worry if humanity will have to perish under its own selfishness & stupidity, because just like how dinosaurs era once perished due to huge catastrophe, I’m sure Life will sprouting out again.
What’s more important I think is to figure out what is MY existence for…and what can I do to BEING and CONNECTING to this Grand Wholeness of Universe..
Also, regarding Nihilistic Existentialism, you might be interested to read this short article and view: http://atheism.about.com/od/typesofexistentialism/a/nihilistic.htm
“Can’t the world just understand that life isn’t that important and leave me to die?”
I feel exactly the same. The only thing that keeps me from committing suicide the the pain I’m going to cause my parents. I even want them and I to die together in an accident, and all will be over. They are not living a happy life but they still go on just for the sake of going on. Bullshit. We all have to die once anyway sooner or later. It is fucking pointless to prolong the misery!
i agree
The Zeitgeist films are propaganda. I don’t believe any from those films are true; it’s too easy for films like that to misrepresent information and fabricate more, especially without citing sources. I know people in real life who preach about those films and those people are fools. I won’t believe a word of it.
As far as money being a corrupting entity, this is also false. Money is an enabling entity. The problem is people acquire wealth through illicit means or don’t invest their money toward developing or building anything worthwhile to benefit themselves or others. The problem is people see money as the goal, not as a catalyst. Currency, after all, is a man-made commodity.
niki, I am an artist but that is all I’ll say. Currently, being artistic and open-minded is doing me more harm than good.
I’ve done much research into Buddhist teachings and revere them, but I do not follow the Buddhist religion. I don’t agree with the dogma regarding reincarnation; the system doesn’t seem intuitive as far as I’ve seen it defined. I have also researched Existentialism, Absurdism, Nihilism, and was not compelled to foster those viewpoints into my life. I despise philosophy and metaphysics because they result in loops; they follow logic too rigidly, indefinable probability too openly, and resolve in open-ended-ness; no philosophy garners a definite answer and I feel no reward for sitting and thinking for six hours straight when I come to no discernible conclusion, though I’ve untangled thoughts and speculations. In other words, I think too much for my own good.
I hear you ..
I’m tired of filling every day w/ activities that don’t mean shit to me
everything is pretention, nothing seems to really matter anymore .. life is this long, continuous, meaningless journey and you’re expected to chase after illusions, even if you’re aware the majority (if not all) of them are lacking substance
there’s something inherently wrong with the human experience
* everything is forced
As much as I don’t like it, I play along with the stupid games of the world. I drink my kool-aid with a gag. I remember hearing someone say that their secret to success was simple: As soon as you accomplish a goal, set another one. People have been asking themselves for centuries, “what is the meaning of life?”
It occurred to me, they were asking the wrong question. The right question is “What meaning do I want to give life?” Some give it religion, others give it adventure. There is no single purpose to life, this really throws a lot of us off when we try to justify living. There is no purpose for you or for me, we are just here. From what can be proven, religion aside, we are just here. I can’t tell you why to live, at most I can tell you why I have continued to do so. I was raised incredibly religious, that WAS my purpose. But I grew out of it, I had too many questions and am too logical. This shattered my sense of existence. I no longer saw a point in existing. It came to a choice of life or death. I chose life, it was the only one that was uncertain to me. Between the two, in death, things are absolute. I hate the idea of not having control and when I’m dead, I will not have any control of anything, I will simply be dead. In life, I can still impact my surroundings, I can still enjoy sensations such as swimming in an open ocean, tasting sweet fruit, having a cool drink of water. If you can find one thing, one tiny thing, that brings some joy into your life, my suggestion would be to build on it. If you are going to live, enjoy it! We are here to help, it helps us to help you. If my words didn’t help, please discard them.
agreed with you on the fact every individual has to give a meaning to his/her life
however, life may slap you in the face too many times, to the point you’re no longer interested in giving a meaning to it (I believe the meaning we give to it is shaped and reshaped by our experiences).. all you care about is checking out
If life is slapping you in the face, slap it back! You need to change your scenery. If you can’t now, have some patience, stick to your goals. You are strong as you want to be, there is no limit to your mind (corny, I know, but bear with me). There must be something you want out of life, otherwise you wouldn’t still be here. In my case, I want to escape society, I want to live off the land and pretty much leave this country. I find a lot of peace when I don’t have to be part of the machine, it’s just not me. I think you are the same way. I know that there are places out there where you don’t have to put on the blindfolds and live in the monotonous world of stupor.
“and if people are living to see my alive or pushing me to stay alive to comfort them, they are missing something in their own lives.”
interesting .. I never looked at it this way