What I mean.
When I was younger i was always so cheerful and energetic. Now, I’m just depressed and i want to have no part in anything. I really want to die. I can’t stand life anymore. I have tried numerous times to kill myself. Like cutting myself, drinking mouthwash hoping it would kill me or something, but it doesn’t. I always pray to God asking if he could just let me die.
Why I hate life so much.
For some reason everyday I’m always in trouble for no reason. My parents are always screaming at me and i didn’t understand why. It makes it worse for me how my mom and dad tell me how they want to commit suicide too or how they want a divorce. I cant stand it anymore. Also for some reason i always feel under pressure to be perfect. My parents always have such high expectations for me and i just cant handle it.
Why I cant trust people.
One day i told my best friend Sam what was going on and told her not to tell anyone. Then of course next thing you know she told the guidance counselor. Now the school thinks I’m a suicide freak. I had to go to the nut house for a while. Which did absolutely nothing. It actually made me feel worse. Since that happened my dad freaked out on me and said he didn’t love me because he didn’t want them coming to our house or something. So now i feel my dad hates me and my mom because i try and talk to her and then she freaks out on me and wants nothing to do with me. I also feel like I’m losing all my friends for no reason, I’m always getting in fights with them.
Terrible dreams.
I’m always having dreams of where i kill myself. Then i come back and haunt all who i hate. You know, until they go crazy and kill themselves. Then i help all who i love. I’m so confused. I mean i want to kill certain people but, if i see an old person walking somewhere i start crying because i feel bad.
Everyone’s dying on me.
Everyone keeps dying. Everyone i love are dead. My friend Ryder is in a coma. My friend Alex just died of cancer. My animals are all dying. All my family is passing on. Can this mean i will go soon too? Please?
I cant take it much longer.
Now my parents are always in fights. My parents are actually fighting now. I HATE IT! I want to become a murderer or something. I just want to kill everyone who makes life hard on me and then just kill myself. I just want to be able to live in my my own world where no one exists but me. Where nothing happens. Where there aren’t any troubles, just good times.
What’s happening to me?
Am i going insane? I’m so confused. Someone please HELP ME!
This is the only place i can go to talk.
Well this is the only place i can talk. This is where im always going to be. This is my new journal. The place i can tell someone everything that happens to me. I love it here.
2 comments
I can relate to this alot! My parents have high expectations of me but im always messing up and getting into trouble at school. My dad caught me smoking in my room and i havnt got out of bed simply because i dont want to face him at the moment. My mum and dad are always fighting and my mum would thret about killing herself and would hang up ropes at my ponys farm and would overdose. She cheats on my dad aswell. Ive also lost people like my nana who was also my best friend aswell as a friend who commited suicide and pets. I dont enjoy anything anymore other than drinking which is hard being so young and i now have a drinking ban from smoking. I used to try and cut myself or down myself and even suffocating myself. I have hardly any friends and ive had alot of breakdowns infront of my year in lessons and ive beat up a few people like a boy at school i repeatedly smashed his face in against a table. I always feel like going outside with a knife and just killing everyone but i have taken a knife to school, got drunk and had a plan to destroy the whole school but my bestfriend managed to stop me. However school life sucks and the whole age thing is such a big problem aswell like ive had counceling and everything. Truth is when you become independent things will get alot better and you can experience things you enjoy. You will meet new people that will change your life and bring you happiness you just have to believe and be patient. I think good things come to those who wait notice how alot of famous people have really rough backgrounds and had a horrible childhood of living on the steets ect but look at them now! Set goals and strive to achieve them. You can only be defeted by yourself and i know im not one to talk and actualy taking the advise is easier said than done but give it time and good things will come. Lets face it we havnt lived yet just see what comes your way you never know whats around the corner with a bit of will and determination and a smile we can just enjoy the little things at the moment like watching the blossem fall from the trees and watching the beaty in the world. Its not much now but give it time and who knows you may end up loving life 🙂 xx
Ever listen to the lyrics to “Iron Man”? For some reason your post reminded me of it. Anyway, I completely understand your love/hate of people. The only thing that drives me in life is a fierce desire to protect those whom I love and destroy those whom I hate. I actually think it’s pretty normal, but what would I know about ‘normal’? All I can say is try to live long enough to move out, away from your parents. It won’t solve your problems, but it’s always good to get away from the negative forces so you can breathe.