Well I sit and sit every day and live the same boring life every day, the only thing that changes is how I feel from day to day, each day seeming like im weaker.
I will not poor out my childhood story and I will not talk about whats happened recently, I will leave it as boldly as that I did not have a childhood, did not know what it was like to have friends, not know what it was like to have a social life, did not know what it was like to feel loved, forgot how it felt like to have a family.
I am not a person who can look at a paycheck and see “Wow I made $750 nice!!” I look at it with shame as I could give a fuck about money. Its just something I have to have to live I guess. I cant look at things like everyone else does. Someone dies I dont care, theres many other people in this world to replace them, even with my own family, its happened so many times in my family alone I gave up caring. I dont have material value, I dont care about having money, I dont care about having 6 cars, 2 houses, or whatever else makes people happy.
I see kids out skating with eachother, movies together, see people taking trips, talking about friendship, people on facebook having their group social events, enjoying life. What the fuck, whats it feel like?
I joined the Army and for the first time in my life I was happy, I had close friends, I was away from the problems at home. Was I afraid of dieing being in the army? No, death is something im not scared of, I will die happy if I died in the Army. I made some stupid choices, I wa shaving a simple medical problem, allergy endused asthma, could have been controlled with claratin. Our troop was having medical outbreaks because of sanitation issues and our drill sgt. was mentally ill. The time came up when they asked me if I wanted to stay or go home, if I chose to go home I could re-join in 6 months. So being sick of those problems I said yes because I thought to myself no biggie, I can come back in 6 months and things will be better.
8 months later I am trying to re-join but I need a waiver, I took a test to show I do not have asthma so I could get back in. Insurance didnt cover it so I owe $2,000 for the test but they didnt tell me that till afterwards. Im 19, really assholes? Now its like $3,000 plus and raising fast but fuck it I cant afford to pay it.
Basically my story is im in debt with this medical bill, now that I need a waiver to get back into the Army these recruiters dont want to help me, the one place I was happy I had it, I was in it! Now its gone. Took a test ready to go back in and complete training, now I cant get back in because like a Sgt told me out that im last priority and he would rather get these high school kids he can get in easily to benefit him more.
I sit at home getting weaker, collectors pressuring more and more for medical bill, and the ONE place I had a family, happiness, and a home and a new way of life is now gone, poof, seems so far away even though my entry way is right up the street.
It may sound corny but my entire life has been shit, nobody should have had to gone through what I have been through, the one place where I was happy for the first and only time in my life was in the Army. I was healthy, I was getting 3 full meals a day, all my problems were washed away.
Im writing this telling myself to man up because as I type this i have tears dropping out of my eyes. One stupid ass choice took all that happiness from me. All those problems I had I am now re living them now with a extra debt problem added to it. Im not suicidal but I am not healthy, im loosing it, ive already lossed the happiest thing I had in my life: a uniform, a rifle, a family.
I wanted to write this because I just needed to get it out. My only life is with the Army. Im loosing everything about myself as I speak. When it gets to the time I become homeless then I will chain myself down in front of the Army recruiting office until I fucking die. I will get back in damit or I will die trying. Im not going to give up on the only fucking thing that game me a reason to want to stay alive. I made the dumb choice of saying yes to go back home under the circumstances.
Its not fair how I have such a passion and a need to get back in, it is my life, I will die without it, IT made me happy, gave me a family which is something I dont have, it gave me friends which is something I never had. Its noot fair how I have SO much need for it but the kids who are just joining for 3 years to show that they joined to be a badass around others get in super easily and fucking sucks how a recruiter told me that the Army is full sorry. FUCK THAT I will not stop calling him, I know he wont get me in but it still gives me that hope that maybe my next call will do something.
I will be homeless soon, I will be loosing a job, my medical debt increases as I type, my life problems are getting worse. My last attempt to getting in the Army will be chaining myself down at that fucking recruiter building untill my heart does not beat anymore. If I do not get in, I will die trying. I am alone, I lost belief in a god or guardian angel, if there was one they would have gotten me back in the Army to get me away from what I am having to live right now.
Please dont tell me to look at other branches, already have and no chance at all because there are better qualified honor students, but my true passions in Army.
Well I just had to get this story out, im not in good shape, my eyes are yellow and red, the outside of my eyes were purple, im loosing more and more weight from the stress, collectors call me way too much and harrass me, my time clock is about empty. I am dedicating this last part of my life to fight to get back into the Army, my last attempt when it gets that bad will be hooking myself to the recruiting station and die there if I have to. Some people will think this is stupid but if you lived a life like mine and it was the only thing that gave you a family, a friend, 3 meals a day, somewhere safe to sleep, and a shower. You would too.
If I get back in the Army I can see a future for me, if things continue the way they are I will end up on the news. Its amazing how hard it is to get back into something I loved and would happily die for because it gave me all the true assets to live: friends, family, and a purpose in life. Its amazing how hard it is to get back into that when really it can be a simple process if some people werent lazy or selfish.
Well thats my story, either way it will end up a happy story, I will be back in the Army or I will die trying and all the problems will die with me.
If your reading this and have issues with your life too, I hope all goes better for you then it is for me.
1 comment
I went through the exact same thing, only i was getting divorced at the time. I was told i could come back in 6 months, i never gave up and it have been 9 years. I even went to ROTC at the university thinking that would help speed things along, it did nothing. I totally understand your frusteration 100% to this day i still get sad because i would much rather be there, i hate civilians.
The problem is recruiters just dont care to do the work involved in pushing waivers through, they are war dodgers and cowards.
The fact that you served even for short while makes you more of a man then the majority of this country and though i believe you are a warrior at heart, these people are not worth fighting for. They are selfish and they are weak, you were brave and understand honor. That will always be who you are.
It is hard to claim defeat when you are not a quitter and even harder when you are among the meek. It is not your fault. Nobody can take away the fact that you wore those boots…nobody.