As opposed to some of the stories I read…people want to die because they are miserable, but with me its different. I want to kill myself to take revenge on my family. Its the best way to punish them for all the heart ache they caused me. With me missing in their life they will realise that they lost what they had. Whatever i do its never good enough……… everything has to be perfect…..well it cant I am human………and talking never helps. I feel if I die i will be sooo happy. I only wish there is a 100% guarantee that after i die I can stand next to them and watch them cry and apologise for being the worst family they can ever be…….
Every night I pray to God that he takes my soul. I have tried to take my own life several times (different method each time) but its useless not working…….
I wish I knew a better way. I feel like I am not brave enough to go through with it. I wish there was a way to higher a hit man to the job for me.
I had just finished a fight with my mum which made me soo angry that i wanted to kill myself. I walked into the kitchen browsing what tablets we have at home but there is nothing lethal. As a result of this I desparately typed on Google how to kill myself and this website appeared. Reading some of the peoples stories made me feel I am not alone in this world. There are other miserable people like me, some even more miserable…… in the middle of all this suicidal thinking it gives me comfort and a sense of belonging which btw I find very weird.
I have reached a point where i just want to die even if I have a perfect day and I ask myself why to I want to die, and my answer is I dont know. But when they make me angry I remember and just then all the different reasons appear!!!
5 comments
Welcome. That’s how I found this site too. Nice to meet you and hope to get to know you better withoutatrace.
Revenge…sounds good and bad, maybe logical. idk.
Hi there,
You wrote – ‘I feel if I die i will be sooo happy.’
I can understand the desire to seek revenge for instances where others have hurt you. That said, if you die, it’s obviously possible that the part of you that would ‘feel’ happy will no longer exist. Essentially, it’s possible that when your life ends and your body dies, and your organs stop functioning, YOU will simply cease to be.
By no means do I mean to contradict or challenge your (or anyone else’s) beliefs about God or what happens after we die. I’m just rationally pointing out a distinct possibility I think.
I am assuming that you believe in God, as you also wrote:
‘Every night I pray to God that he takes my soul.’
I’m curious, have you ever prayed for an end to your suicidality? I mean have you ever prayed for a relief from your pain that doesn’t involve your death?
Same but different I want to live to see a brighter day I want to die but everyone would say Hooray!!!!nothing I do could be great awesome good job the response is you could have done better my report card was all A’s 1 B I got fussed at and they call me stupid my family and school create suicidal thoughts there bleat I can get away from the 2 without suicide
Hey withoutatrace, although it’s not my primary reason, yes, revenge is one of the motives I have too. All my life my hypocritical ‘loved ones’ told me that they’d drop everything for me if I was really in trouble. I’ve never really asked for their help until now. When I told them point blank ‘please help me or I’ll kill myself by the end of this year’ they just ignored me and literally walked away.
It made me realize that all along they’ve been lying to me. They never had any intention of helping me if I needed it, and they have no intention of helping me now. That night, right in front of them, I grabbed a knife and started to cut. They literally turned around & walked out the door.
So yes, bloody hell yes, I want my suicide to inflict pain on them, and I completely understand where you’re coming from. ‘Family’ is the worst invention since the government. They say they’ll take care of you, but when you really need it you’re outta luck.
To Umbra Artist :
Thank you for the welcome 🙂 Hope I get to know you better to
To noonespecial2310:
Hi, I totally get your Point and I agree with you but who said a suicidal person is rational no matter how much I self analyse at that point in time I am exhibiting optimum function of rational capacity. How will I know I will feel happy ? Maybe I feel worse. Maybe I dont feel at all…….. As for the second point, why don’t I pray this urges go away….actually I tried and I have been suicidal free for the past year with alot of support from friends and being open about my problem but I feel I have reached a point where I can’t take it anymore.
In order for me not to be suicidal I have to stop having problems with my family. I have the most twisted life ever and despite what I have been through nothing made me want to kill myself as much as my family.
To outcesticide:
I totally feel your pain. My family is like that. I am 20 kilos over weight and I went through this binge and starve phase to try to loose weight and I did. In 2 weeks I lost about 10 kilos. My mother was soo happy. (I studied a bit of psychology) so I was saying to myself “Hey if I keep this any much longer I will permanently be anorexic. I had to force feed myself because my body adapted to throwing up anything I ate without even forceing myself to bring it out. So after I succeeded in eating normally I gained back the weight i lost and guess what My mother told me “I would rather have a dead anorexic daughter than I living fat one!!!!!! I want to show off infront of my friends that my daughter is beautiful” Just there I wish I died a thousand deaths……
With you its school work with me its my weight…….
To Scooby:
I tried cutting myself once but my brother caught me. He punched my head and I fell to the floor seizing. Everybody congradulated him for his heroic act. (which almost led to the same outcome of what i was doing) and they all started yelling at me and calling me names like “EMO” and “Crazy” and “should be kept in a straight jacket”. Oh and whenever I have a question to ask they start making fun of my questions saying stuff like I am dum, or an idiot, or with the IQ of a mouse. I dont think its a question of do they care or not because they do care. I feel that some people are taken for granted and they family just take everything out on them, use them and then discard them. Oh and when we die they will cry about how their life got destroyed. Its always about them. They would never think of how their actions led to this outcome. Even though they wont cry for me and they’d cry for themselves I know I have scarred them forever and they can’t scar me anymore.