I have had enough of my life. I have Bipolar and the lows are killing me- I know I want to ctb asap. I like the idea of an exit partner ie being with someone like minded , with the same goal, in my last hours, mins and seconds- entering into death with someone else is appealing. However, I wonder whether I will be responsible for that person’ s death? Whether if they haven’ t met me they would have found a solution in life? Can my conscience live with it if it follows me in death? Maybe it doesn’ t matter because it looks like I will be exiting on my own.
As for methods, I need something that will work first time without room for error. I like the idea of a chemical death like h2s but am considering other options- I feel the only way to obliterate myself is to blow myself up using some sort of explosive but can I find somewhere isolated enough so others aren’ t hurt? Why does killing yourself have to be so hard?
All I want to do is leave this life. Sorry for the rant- I do not have all the answers but would like to chat to others who are facing similar questions.
Thank you for listening.
93 comments
Hey how ya been? I havent heard from you in ages…I tried emailing you…Oh and i like your writing its really good.
Hi Crying good to see ya.U still thinking of endin it.Is tali still around ad girl interrupted,and Social Outcast are you still here
Sometimes I wish we had a “self-terminate” option, like some cells have in biology.
ever try to take lithium? it balances your moods and makes your bipolar lows not seem so low
Try Alt.Suicide.Methrds
Or
The A.s.h. FaQ
Oh and there is a Alt.Suicide.Holiday board aswell on.
NNTPNews.
Oh hey noom how ya been? Yeah i still wanna do it, hbu? Yeah i think they all still are? Have you heard from blackqwert? He hasnt been on in ages maybe he went through with it…or is still on here but under a different name?
I’m alright crying.A bit depressed after crashing my car into a tree on Saturday; (.Yeah I’m still planing it out properly.No rush cos it’s better to think it out than to screw it up and end up a veg in one of those horrible care homes for the rest of ya life.No not seen hardly anyone who used to post a few months back.I was getting worried that i was the only one left or something
Oh sorry to hear that, did you get hurt? Thats my biggest fear screwing it up! Nah your not the only one left im sure they’re still around and probably still lurking on this site they probably just dont post or comment or they’re using different usernames. There seems to be alot of new people on here and alot of young ones.
nah not hurt physically.I wasn’t going that fast just slid on some wet grass.
The scrap yard are just takin it away now.now I’m gonna be near house bound till I get another one.Yeah your right a lot of new schoolies on here.
take it easy for now
Hey crying, Had problems with my email account but alls ok now- I thought I had emailed you back but some of my emails were never received by others either: sorry. I am feeling very low and really need to do something to stop it all and fast. No luck on a ctb partner- what about you any luck? and How are you feeling? Glad you liked my poetry.
To all the lonely people- yes I have tried Lithium, took it for years it stopped me going manic but did very little for the lows. Have been on all the mood stabilisers- they help a bit but no miracle cures unfortunately. Have tried so many things and the only answer for me is to ctb.
does anyone know how to remove a post?
if anyone have any info on removing a post plz reply
To end the agony- I agree with you that we should have a self terminate button like destructive cells. I wish I could press a switch and that was me gone, but with everything else in life that would be too damn easy- too much to ask for. We never chose to be born so it should be easier for us to opt out of life.
oh yeah you have to go to the dashboard and click on your posts. there you will find where it’ll say trash just click on that
i tried that but the post does not go away
oh man then you’ve got yourself a stubborn post. idk what to do somebody help this person out!
i wanna remove my skype name off of a post i commented for someone
well that someone has to be the one to delete that comment from their post. ask them to do that for you.
@jade 32 oh okay i never recieved anything. I changed my email but i did send you my new one, did you get it?
Can I join in the chat?
Don’ t know how to delete posts thou
kk thx for the info
No I never got your new email address crying
Why isn’ t there a chatroom on here
cuz it’s supposed to be anonymous
but you can always make friends and take it a step further
Nah theres no chat room on here. I replied to the last email you sent me but then later on i ended up chaging my email but i did send you an email with my new email address and still never heard back from you so not too long ago i sent you another email but still no reply i wasnt sure if you were still around 🙁 You’ll be able to see it cause im commenting on your post. Or i can send it to you again?
But it could still be anonymous- we all use user names and if we could chat to each other we could support each other or just chat about our options, methods or whatever anyone wants to chat about.
Crying I can’ t see your email address can you send it again please? I still have the same email address
Umbra artist- how do you make friends here then?
If you go to the dashboard page like where you’d right a new post then click on the posts button on the side and it will bring up your posts if you still have them and havent already deleted them. Then click on the comments bit the box with numbers and it will bring up the comments for that post and you’ll see the emails of everyone who commented.
Sorry im not very good at explaining things im not sure if you understood that? I just sent you another email, if you dont get it then maybe i have your email wrong? Let me know
@jade 32 – you talk to as many people as you can and try to help each other out. remember to be nice too. wanna be my friend? =)
@crying ..not to get in a arguement with you but this is my response to you telling people i’m ‘dodgey’
Are you joking? She thinks I’m dodgey?! I told her every little thing about me even when she held back and said nothing about herself.. the only reason I made that Luke profile on sp is cause everyone else hid there name on there and i hadn’t & was worried about those police rumours and tracking. Not to sound nasty because I know what her positions like, i’ve been there but she is so fucking paranoid beyond belief.. literally, the most paranoid person I know and that’s only speaking to her on the internet aswell..
I’m not gonna bother writing to her though, if she suddenly thinks I’m dodgey then id rather not speak to her.. There’s no point talking to someone who doesn’t trust me because she will never say anything about herself because she’s so paranoid. I don’t see what she thinks dodgey about me though :S I’m like everyone else who’s been on sp because they’re so depressed and want to die.. you can probably tell I’m offended by that LOL but ohwell, you’ve seen my picture, I’m 20years old, I’ve had a shit life like everyone else on sp and I’m dealing with shit.. I can’t really see what’s untrustworthy about me :S
– thats all i have to say about that, i’m not gonna bother checking for a reply on here from you.. so along with bye.. fuck you aswell.
I agree there should be a chat room.I find it hard making friends just typing on a screen.Online doesn’t really bring the best out of my personality
I was always honest with you i never lied about anything and told you everything there was to know about me.
hm right, well I never lied to you either.. your emails stopped, i took a break from sp, i come back and there’s all these rumours of police watching the page so I made a different profile called luke.. because as far as im concerned nobody on here goes by there real name and I was always saying my real name. So thats the only lie on my behalf. I never fabricated anything or changed my story but this is my life, every detail i’ve told you is my life.. but when you say you told me everything there was to know about me.. that’s not true. Even i’ve spoke to probably 2 or 3 other people who used to email you and they always said you would dodge their questions quite often and you did that to me too..
but how can you say that i’m dodgey? I dont understand..
you told me everything there was to know about you* I mean..
You said bye to me that was the last i heard from you. I tried to email you a few times after that but got no reply so i figured you were either gone or maybe just didnt wanna talk to me anymore or maybe you had gotten better and moved on with your life. Then all of a sudden your back and asking for me and i thought oh shit hang on what if its not even him like what if you went through with it and they searched your comp and phone and now people wanna speak to me. I didnt think it was you cause it had been so long. Then i find out that you were posting on here under babyluke. I remember talking to that person i had no idea it was you why didnt you ever say anything? i thought it all sounded a bit weird. I’ve never dodged peoples questions i’ve always been open and never lied about anything. Nice to know you’s are all talking about me behind my back! You changed you username, i didnt, so whos the paranoid one? Im a bit paranoid but im sure everyone else is too when you doin all this.
Hi Umbra artist- yes I would like to be your friend.
Jade did you get my email?
HI Noom,
glad you see my point on the chat room question. I am the same as you, I find it hard making friends online too- it doesn’ t make the most of my personality either.
Crying, I never had any other emails from you, I even tried emailling you time after time, at first they would deliver but then i kept getting messages saying ‘failed to deliver to..’
And yeah I came back on here as babyluke, because I didn’t wanna go by my real name anymore.. I deleted my posts but in comments on other posts that I cant delete still had my real name and my email address.. I wouldve told you but because i hadn’t spoke to you in so long, tried emailling but had no reply I thought you hated me.. so i couldnt exactly be like OH HEY ITS MATT, shh.
And nobodys talking behind your back, it was just in brief.. exactly like you’ve spoke about me behind my back. see how that works both ways? But if you want a example.. You once asked me over email if Matthew was my real name and I told you yeah, then asked if Chanel was your real name.. you dodged the question.. I asked again, I think i even asked 3 times for that question but whatever.. yeah I was paranoid about police (understandly.) so i changed my name on here, like anyone else would.
Its weird cause most sites do have a chat room?
No I didn’ t Crying- madgirl1978@live.co.uk
@jade really? Thats the email i have for you…it did send are you sure you didnt get it did you check your spam folder?
yeah most sites have chatrooms- just think we could chat about feelings, plans ctb methods or anything anyone wants to talk about- we could support each other, warn each other about police interest, meet ctb partners, where to buy ingredients- the list is endless what we could do but the main point would be that people would feel less alone
No didn’ t check my spam folder- will quickly look and come back
If this place did have a chat room there’d be no way it’d be that open it’d be moderated and you wouldnt be able to say much but for just venting and support i guess it’d be good
Oh okay maybe they’re in there?
It’ s gone to my junk folder, no wonder I am not getting your emails- never think to look in there
I’ve sent you like 3 since the last time we spoke, its been ages!
How could we set up an unmoderated chatroom where we could talk about all the finer details?
Yeah you’ve always gotta check your spam, junk folder whatever you call it cause stuff always gets sent there
I dont think you’d be able too…
yes it’ s been ages- are you any closer to a method and partner?
still thinking about explosives and blowing myself up in an isolated place- can’ t find a site to give me the finer details on how to make it. No closer to a partner thou. Hope you are having better luck
No not really. Would you really wanna do it that way? Wouldnt you rather do it a different way? We’re not really supposed to discuss this shit on here its probably gonna get deleted.
Why aren’ t we allowed to discuss this stuff on here? yes I would go that way, sort of giving up on other methods hard to get hold of etc. sorry that you are not having better luck
Your not supposed to ask for partners or discuss methods or any of that. Its more of just a venting place i guess. People still do it but i think it gets deleted.
My comments awaiting moderation, annoying!
What the hell are you commenting about that it’ s waiting moderation?! Can’ t be any worse than mine or is it!!
Jade ru in the UK
You can read it on the comments board i didnt even say anything bad i just said what you werent suppose to do here. It will take awhile to show up on here but you can read it on there and its highlighted in yellow.
yes I am in the uk Noom- what about you?
yes 🙂
uk
Crying- don’ t know why your comment is waiting moderation- have read it so all I can do is rant? I want a partner, a workable method etc where do you find those online? Disobey is a waste of time
Where abouts- south, east, west? I am in the southwest noom
south east jade.
when I first came here i thought it was a pro suicide site,but what i realise now is that it’s more anti
Yeah its more of just venting plus theres alot of really young ones on here
anyway,I’ve got a bloody headache now.where’s my codamol.Nice talking,I’ll see ya later on
Bye noom! hope you feel better.
I thought it was a pro suicide site too- sorry I missed you noom- hope you feel better soon
Nah its not, didnt you read all the rules crap? and it says it at the top of the page in red
bye crying.It must be late over there now,like 1:30am?do you stay up most of the night
Nah its 12am and yeah i used to but lately i’ve been goin to bed early and getting up early. Tonights the latest i’ve been up in a while.
Nah crying didn’ t read rules, never do- have put stuff on here before and never stopped to think this was an anti suicide chatroom. No wonder I don’ t meet potential partners etc
Are you still here noom- chat to me please
Are you going to bed crying- wish we weren’ t at opposite sides of the world otherwise I would ctb with you hun
It didnt used to be so moderated and i dont think there was as many young people on here before. Im pretty sure that u.k pact was people that met on here and they mentioned the site i think thats when it became more moderated.
Im still here, nah im gonna stay up and yes i would do it with you. Sucks that your so far away 🙁
Did you hear about the recent cali pact? they did h2s but the guy backed out last minute and the girl died.
it should be less moderated- we should get tips on methods, where to purchase ingredients safely without getting caught etc- we could still support the younger ones and encourage them to seek help etc
No I didn’ t hear about that pact- how did the guy manage to back out of H2s? Where was this? I would use h2s but people are getting reported just for ordering the lime sulfur hence the need to change my method
I know of 2 people who sell ******** but one of my friends got ripped off god bless him
It happened in california it wasnt that long ago. Look it up you should find the news articles. It does sound a bit weird though…. Im pretty sure i can easily buy lime sulphur here? I havent got anywhere to do it though.
I wish there was a simple pill that you could easily buy and then easily take. Oh god wouldnt that be great! I fucken wish! I would pay them whatever they wanted for it!
You can get the ingredients on ebay or amazon but there are a lot of sellers reporting people in our situation so I don’ t feel safe purchasing it- can’ t risk getting stopped. I would hire a car and do it in there somewhere isolated if I could get the lime sulfur. I know how to make it etc so it’ s very infuriating that I can’ t get the ingredients
I would pay too for a pill that would do the job. You can get help killing yourself if you have a physical problem but not a mental problem- who the hell dreamed that one up. Dignatas should be available for us all
Yeah i’ve said that before. They have it for the terminally ill and phyisically ill but what about the mentally ill? Imagine that…
It would be heaven getting help to die- all the ingredients and hard work sorted- they give you a pill and you are dead.
Hey jade if you come back and look at this sorry bout last night i fell asleep. I’ll email you, so check your email and we can chat more if you like.