To Die By Suicide

I’m so confused by people’s actions. One day they love me, the next day they’re furious at me. I don’t think anyone will ever want me for this depression. I’m afraid that I will always be alone. I DON’T like being alone. this is what will drive me to suicide someday.

My life is falling apart a little more every day, though I try to ignore it.

But I have realized that it’s just building up inside me more and more.

Eventually I will explode and end it by suicide.

that’s just a fact.

I want to be loved and held, I WANT to be happier, but I know I never will. and who wants to love a pessimist anyway?

I was almost numb, until my dad took my knife.

Now I have to cry myself to sleep every night, then I wake up crying.

Then I cry some more during the day. all I do is cry.

I don’t mind it, because it’s just a natural thing I can’t help, like my anxiety disorders.

I love darkness, and scars and blood. but my scars are gone(thanks to my dad), and I have nothing to be proud of.

I wear dark eyeshadow and dark clothes because it shows who I truly am. even though I don’t have that many dark clothes…

I probably won’t commit suicide soon,my life isn’t so terrible that its not worth living at all. also, my little puppy is so happy, even though the rest of my family members are so mean to her. sometimes I yell at her for biting me or something, but she still follows me around the house. I love her so much. she shows me how I could be happy even when people break me.

when the time comes, when I’m at the apex of my depression, I will kill myself.

But I won’t just TRY to kill myself, I WILL  kill myself. I refuse to be put in a mental hospital, or have a tube shoved up my throat. Mental hospitals are the stupidest idea on this planet.

I will try to do as many things as I can to kill myself. I will take bottles of pills, slit my arms, drink something poisonous to my body, then if I’m still conscious after I do all that, I will hang myself. I don’t want to hang myself, but if that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it.

I don’t know when I will do it. maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years. who knows? but the people who are so harsh to me, they will be sorry, and they won’t be able to take anything back. but they will forget and move on anyway. everyone dies someday.