I hate my life right now. Really really hate it.
The more I try to smooth things over between me and my parents, the more it all gets fucked up.
All of this mental & physical abuse has been going on for the past 20 years but I don’t think I can take it all anymore.
I’m getting weaker, day by day. I might give in to this flood & put myself out of my misery; not right now or maybe I might.
I don’t know, I’m just too weak willed to make any decision on my own but I guess there is always a first time for everything, I’ll have to start from somewhere. It might as well be regarding my own life.
I don’t even have any actual friends I can call for help or just to talk to. Everyone has got their own life & their own studies since college started.
I was supposed to have a life like that too; get busy in my studies, have friends, be happy with things.
Nothing has happened so far.
My parents are disappointed ’cause of me I think, I’ve always been a failure. I never turned out the way they wanted me to.
I never turned out to be pretty, instead I turned out to be fat & ugly.
I never turned out to be the overachiever & all rounder; instead I’m a failure, an underachiever without any skill or talent.
I never turned out to be the extrovert, everyone’s favorite; instead I repel people. Nobody wants to talk to me.
I wish I could break free from all this guilt but I know as long as my parents are here I’m never going to be guilt free.
I wish I could live my life on my own terms.
I wish I could write a book as I always wanted to.
I wish I could learn to play the piano as I always wanted to.
I wish I could join those photography classes whenever I pass by that place.
I wish I could learn programming like I have wanted to; without my mother telling me I will never good at anything.
I wish I could have friends like everyone else.
3 comments
You’re probably not half of those things. It sounds like your parents have ruined how you think of yourself.
Piano, photography, writing, and programming can all be wonderful things to help you cope with your situation. It would be good for you to get into these things. I think the more you open up to new experiences, the more friends you will make, and most importantly, you will see that you are not a failure and you can achieve anything you want to. 🙂 You don’t repel me and I am more than happy to become your friend. I have always wanted to write a book too, but I have never gotten very far, and I used to play the piano, but I never reached the point I wanted to and I can barely play at all right now, due to depression and arthritis. So I can relate. Take care, just reach out, you will make it ♥♥
If you think you’re a failure then you are. If you’re so negative in your thoughts you’re never gonna achieve anything positive. And you know what. It’s really easy to counter. You just need to eliminate negative thoughts.
Try thinking like this. You’re not a failure. It’s just that you haven’t started working at it. You don’t have friends. Now’s a good time to start hanging out with people- people don’t like to be with negative people because it’s mentally exhausting, so try to be positive and see the happier things in life. You aren’t as great as your parents wished you to be. Screw that. You’re who you are and that’s that. If they want you to be better, well, they’ve failed because they made you feel so negative. It’s not your fault.
I dunno, I don’t really know you. All I know is that if you want your life to start looking up, you gotta start thinking up. No matter how comforting it is to just wallow in negativity and self pity.