My mind is doing that thing where I remember everyone that I used to have in my life, everyone that left. I’m wondering, not for the first time, if every single relationship and friendship fell apart because of me. If multiple people decide that I’m not worth staying for then something I do or a part of who I am must be the reason. I’ve tried to change parts of myself a few times, act like some sort of chameleon that fits in perfectly to what someone wants. It used to work for a short while, allow me to make a temporary home in a new friend group or with someone who just needed another person the same way I did. Small adventures, short-term company. In the end, all of it ended up the same way it always did, less calls and texts, excuses to avoid meeting up. Slowly, I’d watch everyone pull away until they were so far out of my reach I didn’t bother to try and hold on. Nights like tonight the loneliness creeps in unexpectedly. I’ve lived this way for so long that I’d convinced myself this was the best way. Don’t let anyone in anymore, never get too close. Because we all know it only hurts more when people leave. But now I’m in so much emotional pain I feel like I’m dying. I used to hear about broken heart syndrome and wonder how it could be true. Back then I wasn’t afraid of the possibility of it being real because even then I knew I didn’t have one person I loved that much. The problem is, I gave little parts of myself to all of those temporary people. When they left, I think they took parts of my heart with them. Now it’s like a constant full ache in my chest; it feels like I’m having a heart attack and I found myself googling the symptoms just in case. I think I have a heart disease, but not in the way they medical terms explain it. I think my heart is just as broken as I am, ready to give up for me.
What does empty pain feel like when no one is there to care? What’s the point in pushing through suffering when there’s no one waiting on the other side of it? Can lonely people slowly start to die of a broken heart?
1 comment
Those questions really hit hard. I’m also isolated from all my past friends & relationships, and it really amplifies the pain of life. Like you said, it makes it seem extra pointless.
Try not to blame yourself though. As everyone gets older they seem to grow apart, so it’s not just you. I think friend groups naturally disperse. Or think of it this way: the more exceptional you are, the less you’ll be accepted.
Doesn’t make it any less painful. But at least you should know it’s not your fault.