From birth I was destined to not have any friends. Friends just never came easily to me and it never bothered me when I was younger because I had my ignorance to shield me from others. Kids just never liked me. I was never bullied, just forgotten. I’m not “the fat kid” or “the kid who everyone hates” it’s just nobody’s ever given me the time of day. I’ve never had a bestfriend and I only get out of the house a few times a year. Being almost 16 this has been the norm since I was 6.
Since I was 12 this started to bother me and I began to grow depressed. There is no hope for me because I am too far forgotten. I remember when I used cut myself real deep and then my mom found out. I still have faded scars on my legs today and I can’t stand thinking about what triggered them. There hadn’t been a day since then I haven’t thought about suicide. There isn’t much holding be back from it but I just can’t. I constantly promise myself things will get better but why have I waited 4 years and nothings happened.
Recently all my “friends” decided they’ve had enough of me and won’t talk to me. I knew this would come soon but I never expected it to be now because I never did anything to them to deserve this. We didn’t ever get together I just ate lunch with them and stood with them so I wouldn’t break down and cry from lonliness. My sadness has gotten much worse, worse than ever. Throughout the day I feel lifeless and I can’t stop thinking about suicide. Chances are it won’t happen but I’m afraid of myself if this gets any worse. I have nothing to look forward to anyway. Even though they treated me like crap I still needed them just to assure myself I’m not the biggest outcast but now I can’t do that anymore.
4 comments
Kinda sounds like my situation when i was 15 and 16, things wont get better unless you try to make it better, sorry for sounding vain and im sure you have tried :\ being an outcast has its flaws but also gains well at least to me i guess
maybe you can find place of happiness in doing what you can to make sure your future gets better. things are bad right now but the role you play in life changes as you get older.
It’s also so hard for me to make actual friends. I’ve been a loner, maybe because I never faced my fear of socializing. I totally hate it, but take a shot of vodka and socialize! If it doesn’t work, then talk to a psychologist.
I agree with the therapy idea–getting out some of those feelings might be a good way to start. Try writing it all out, letting your friends know what you think of them, whatever, just write it down, and you don’t ever have to show it to someone if you don’t want to.
I have had so many people who claimed they loved me leave me, reject me, dump me, and lie to me, but you know what, you will find real friends, and those friends will treasure you for who you are and what you are. But you have to figure out a way to talk to people. Just say hi! It’s really that simple. And if somebody doesn’t want to be your friend–why, that’s their loss, isn’t it, not yours! You will find someone who will be your best friend. 🙂 Take care, suicide is not the only option, be safe ♥♥