Incomplete.

I’m sorry I couldn’t satisfy any of you with my death.
I scared of my future, my present, and my past. They are all stained with fear. I knew this person who said “One person can make a good chage”; half truth, half lie. That person forgot to tell me or tried to make it better at the moment, but made it worse at the end. One person can make a good change… But, one person can make a bad one; the worst part that both can be taken by the same person. I’m trying, I really am, I try to cope, but I don’t think it’s really working, I know it’s not. Not only that, not only I’m trying, I’m starving myself, I’m dying, I’m hurt, humilated by my own thoughts that keep haunting me. The worst part is that you are one of the persons who “help” me get worse, and I forgive you. You challange me, you are waiting for me to say “enough” but I won’t, I’d never say it. Not long ago when you were here, you did upset me, congrats, just enough to break down incredibly, get a syringe filled it with air and get it just over my jugular. You didn’t think I’d come with something new right ? You have it right there in your eyes, this is what you wanted. You have the honor, to see me die, wait no, why don’t you do it ? Nevermind, you want me dead without you having to do it. I can’t do this for much longer, I can’t walk without stumbling, I can’t eat without vomiting, I can’t even die without you not celebrating. But I don’t understand, really, you break me down every fucking day, and you still haven’t killed me like you threated. I put my thumb on the plunger, and then everything goes quiet. Even though you keep screaming, all I can do is smile, even though you hit me all I can do is smile, even though you scared me I smiled, and I’ll keep smiling for every wrong action you did on me. But it was getting too much, I was getting weaker and either way I’m going to die, this or my weightless body. Slowly my mind process the situation, and I let myself fall, this is stupid, I can’t do it. I smiled as I’m sitting on the floor and you pulled the object out of my hand and start apologizing. Wtf, this is what gets me so low, first you hurt me and then you take care of me. Maybe I should do it already. good idea, but it’s still not completed.