To start, I want to tell you a bit about myself. I live in Canada, and I like models, music, and my favorite insect is the moth. I am going to turn 19 in exactly 10 days.
When I was 14 I tried to kill myself. My father was a war veteran, and I took an entire bottle of narcotic sedatives he uses for pain. When I took the pills, I felt horrible.. It wasn’t about dying anymore, I just felt like I let everyone down. I apologized as I laid on the couch waiting to die. I said I was sorry to my parents, my girlfriend, and God who I believed in at the time. My parents had gone somewhere, I can’t remember where. I was left alone and I woke up that day feeling numb. I can’t remember why, I had got off for summer vacation from grade 9. I think.
As a kid I had always been picked on, and a year before I was tempted, and tried, to off myself we moved away from the few friends I did have. These kids were merciless and they made my life miserable, but they were all I had. I moved, and I was happy, because I could change what people didn’t like about me. When I came to the new school, it didn’t work, as you would expect… I’m me.. that’s something that can not be changed
It was this that really got to me, and as an early teen.. with all my anger and angst.. I couldn’t take when people made fun of me, it always seemed like I was hated for no reason. So, I tried to kill myself.
I thought about it a lot, while I was overdosing.. to take a walk in the woods and die, by myself.. or to take the gun out of the case, load it and end it fast. But…I was scared, I was scared to die because of the unknown. So, I laid on the couch for my parents to find me…
They were angry when they found me, they asked me if I wanted to die, and when I said yes… they were surprised.
They forced me to go to the hospital while I cried and resisted.. I didn’t want to be embarrassed.
After talking to doctors and therapists for a week..and having my parents strain to “understand” I was released.. and I felt more depressed than I started..
I told my girlfriend where I had been.. she cried, and cried.. I understood it quite well.. but my pain at that time outweighed her pain of losing me.. and that hurt me, to realize this world we live in can cause so much pain.
To this day, I have severe suicidal episodes and it takes every ounce of my strength to pull myself out of the ruts. They happen for no reason.. and I don’t know when they come, because as far as I know I love life outside of these episodes… i can’t give up music, you can’t feel when you’re dead right?
I haven’t tried taking pills for depression.. as I am indeed depressed, I’m not overly anxious..
Can anyone give me ideas on this or info?.. I’m afraid to lose my understanding of the world if I take pills, I want to keep knowing the evils and tricks of the world, I don’t want happy pills to take away that from me..
This story is real. For anyone thinking about suicide.. I understand why you want it.. but think about what you can miss.. feeling pain is so much better than feeling nothing at all, you will never feel happiness again.
This website helped me so much when I hurt, it always pulled me out of it…reading it made me cry, and that helped a lot.
www.metanoia.org/suicide
If that doesn’t work for some reason.. just google suicide..
that’s what I did 🙂
3 comments
I’ve had quite a bit of experience with anti-depressants. You might have to google the names because I’m English and no doubt they’re called something different in other parts of the world.
The first anti-depressant I got put on were call Citalapram
As I understand it, anti-depression medication doesn’t alter your thoughts, it just adjusts your hormones so that you don’t feel so sad when there’s no reason to. They won’t make you a happy zombie, some members of my family have taken them and they were still themselves.
Citalopram* (sorry I totally pressed the submit comment button my accident =/)
Yeah, and they sucked. They work by increasing the serotonin levels, which makes you happier. However your body can just resist and increase your depressed feelings.
As a result of taking the Citalopram, some bad stuff happened and for a few days I was able to take Diazapram. Which is more commonly known as Valium. It’s impossible to get it as a repeat prescription in the UK, but you might be able to. Anyway they really helped. For the first time I actually felt at ease with everything, even though I was going through some really tough times.
Also there’s Prozac. But you have to be really careful how you take it. If you miss a day it can cause really bad mood swings. Another side effect is increased will power. Which coupled with a downer from a mood swing can be potentially fatal. Don’t get me wrong, it can work wonders, you just have to keep taking them until you talk to a doctor about it.
And finally there’s the stuff I’m on now. Propananolol. They’re ‘beta-blockers’. They stop your brain sending signals to the rest of your body telling you you’re sad. From what it sounds like, this might be a good bet for you. They don’t change your mind or how you think, they just stop the physical side effects of depression such as a fast heart beat, stomach cramps, shivering. And I found it was easier to ignore my depression.
Obviously do some research of your own and talk to a doctor about it. It’s good that you’ve decided to get help for this. And I really do wish you best of luck with everything =)