My Sister makes me feel fucking useless

My mom has given up hope on me, my dad wants nothing to do with me. they always side with her instead, everything she says theyll listen. She told me i was useless that ive been spoon fed since the say i was born, that i have no future ahead of me. That i should go ahead and cry, and that no one cares because i just want pity. Im just a hopeless spoiled brat. Worse of all she told me this in front of my family, and she was right not one cared.Not one bothered to defend me as she was saying such things.She knew i was on pills, she knew i was suicidal, yet she fucking tells me all this.I dont mean to cry because of pity, but i do end up crying because i dont want them to be the one who says such things to me, THEYRE my family for godsake.I dont mean to cause them all this trouble all the time, but because of my sisters agressive comments i can never express myself properly. Even if i cry in front of them it makes no difference, i get yelled at for it anyway.They say im not a kid anymore and that i should fucking grow up.If god exists, please just end it. I may be fucking scared of death, but nothing is worth living this life, i dont want to be a burden to anyone anymore, theyd be happier without me.

Whenever i try to stick up for myself against my parents, shes always there to fucking make things worse, telling them to fucking take away all the things i love to do, because im such a ungrateful child. I feel as i could never stand up to her, shes the smart one in the family after all, whatever i say to her she would always have some smart ass remark and come back. Though i still dont understand why im always the one at fault, i never done anything wrong to them, why do i deserve to be treated like this? i always come home before dark, i always listen to whatever my parents tell me to do, while my sister is the exact opposite. Shes the one who stays out late till who knows when, shes the one who smokes,drinks,everything. I tell my parents that its unfair how they let her get away with all this, and yet they dont even bat an eye about it. Shes their priority apparently. In their eyes shes the perfect daughter because she the oldest and smartest, and what am i? im the one who causes me the most problems, always having to take me to the shrink, having the school wellness center call home(apparently one of my teachers were concerned when they saw my arm…), paying the bills for my problems.My grade are also atrocious, i do nothing but cause them problems…but at least im not afraid to admit it. I still dont udnerstand why i should the be the one with the short end of the stick at times. I shouldnt be feeling such isolation in my own home. I dont know how much longer can i take such verbal abuse…

I try to ignore the things she said, i try to pretend shes not there. but whenever she knows im ignoring her shed go what the fuck is ur your problem, why are you throwing such a FIT” she always make me feel as if im the one at fault. even if i try to ignore everything and seclude myself shes always there to throw aggressive comments at me, shes always there to make me feel worthless. i hate it.I know its impossible to ask of someone to permanently shut up or leave me alone, and since i live with her i cannot avoid her existance. the other day i was happily on the computer reading a E-book, and in she come saying “omfg why are u cutting yourself. what is wrong with u!” or retarded things “omfg thats gross, can u fucking stop”she has no right to fuckign say that to me as if its her business,after all shes the one who fuckign ENCOURAGES IT with all the misery she caused me the past 8 years!. She acts as if shes never at fault she acts as if shes in control of my goddamn life, shes taken everything i treasure since we were kids, shes taken my toys, pets, and even parents. I had nothing, i had to use my own money to get my own things, and whenever i find somethign id like shed go, omg your retard who wastes money, you cant shop for shit, or WHy are u getting those shoes its not like you know how to walk in them. I want to kill her my mom buys her several coach bags, and clothes, while i always get nothing, and yet she thinks she has a right to keep on whining. I always end up crying because of it, my mom thinks its because of jealousy and says i could have bought those things too (yeah right as if my sister let me.) maybe it is because of jealousy, or maybe because of teh fact im tired she always gets her way. She says im the one whose spoiled, that why do i feel deprived the most, why do i feel unsatisfied, this nagging thought i have that wouldnt it just be better if i fuckign end it. that way they wont even have to waste a dime on me, they wont even have to bat an eye at my worthless presence. then theyd be the perfect family, i thought of running away, but i then realised i have no where else to go. as my sister said, i have been sheltered all my life, deprived maybe but definately sheltered. Maybe i am ungrateful, maybe i am just throwing a fit, after all shes right about everything isnt she. I can never seem to prove her wrong. Than why do i still have teh same nagging feeling that i should just die?