To be heard…

Not to be all lengthy but I am twenty five years old, I am married with two children. My father hung himself when I was five years old, and I have always resented him for that. Everyone talked of how wonderful he was as a living human being, however that never affected my opinion of him. Until I was twenty one I lived a pretty normal life, by twenty I had met the love of my life. March 8th 2007, I went to an old fashioned holiness church and Jesus Christ delivered me from too many sinful vices to name here. I felt god asked me to end my relationship with that wonderful girl, and since i knew it was god speaking i did without hesitation.
I am not saying this to convert you, for I no longer reside on that side of the spiritual realm. I fell from any height of spiritual attainment about two years ago now. While i was a christian i made some rash decision to marry a girl almost soley based on religion. After I lost out, there was nothing left. For a full year I smoked weed constantly to take my mind off my soul. It did help me to remain balanced and calm. But I recently took a trip to the mental ward at a local hospital and felt it would be a responsible decision to stop being such a pothead. I was wrong. Everyday is a frustrating mess for me to endure, I am in love with someone else, which seems to be in vain due to my sure conviction that I am going to hell. What could I possibly provide anyone at this point. I have so many ambitions that just don’t amount to jack shit. The weight of the universe is directed toward my folly. Selfish thinking? Maybe so, and now that I have kids it is hard to think that I would ever leave them behind but, will I someday reach that plummit over the edge? My father did.
When I wake up in the morning, suicidal thoughts grip my hazy mind and solidify themselves inside me for the coming day. I fear hell, not death. Death is a tool. I just wish that in gods infinite knowledge that he would have left me out of the scope of creation. Because every breath I have ever took has been to continually fail at any pursuit of happiness. And if this is what I am destined to be then, I wonder how long it will be before I fail completely at life.
I have read many of these posts, most of which sound like myself… And it saddens me to know this pain exists in the quantity that it does. Hope seems to be fleeting, but hold on if you can…because someone somewhere has to care.
I care, I just have nothing to offer. I hate my dad for what he did, because he took my father-son relationship, but the more I hate him the more desperate I feel in this skin. I hope I never lose hope.