I am a 54 yo man who lives in northern New England. I have no living relatives that I actually know(phone numbers, addresses, etc..) I have no friends other then the people I see at work. I do not socialize and when I am not working, I sit in my small 1 bedroom apt.
I work in a manufacturing plant driving a fork truck. The job sucks. The company sucks. The pay sucks. The benefits suck.
But I am trapped here now due to socio-economic conditions. I would so love to leave and return to the World. This has been an Evil place for me ever since I arrived here in the late 90’s. This Evil place has sucked the Life out of my Soul.
I use to have a career I loved. Senior Systems Analyst for a major independent telephone company. I was an expert in my field. To be more specific I was one of the leading experts nationwide for a particular software package that ran on an IBM Mainframe. I got outsourced in 2002 and even though that wasn’t the start of my spiral into oblivion, it really turbo-charged and changed the direction I thought my life was taking.
I have had and have lost, in just the past 10 years, 2 ENTIRE family’s complete with wife and 2 children each. *poof* GONE!
Oh and in 1999 I inherited a multi-million dollar portfolio of stocks. Most of it in “old family” oil. Today, I own nothing more then a few clothes, this laptop and a minimal amount of a “buy here” “pay here” car. My bank acct is actually at -743 dollars. That’s right negative. I had overdraft protection and maxed it out to 500 bucks. The rest is overdraft fees etc.
I have nothing. I am 1 paycheck away from being homeless. The thing I have feared the most since my early 20’s.
So here I sit, a broken man, trapped forever? I may not be able to leave this god forsaken place, but I can LEAVE this god forsaken place.
“Live Free or Die,
There are worst Evil’s in this world then Death!”
Even if you are Pro-Life don’t you give in to “the Humane” calling when it comes time to put the family dog down rather then let her suffer on in pain and agony? I am pretty sure my pain and agony are much worse then anyone’s family dog. So PLEASE and I’m smart enough to put myself down, please let me go….I beg whatever god rules the Universe, to just let me go…….
omfg…..who the fuck did I piss off? What did I do that was so wrong to be treated like I wasn’t even human? I spend HOURS and HOURS thinking about that…. and it boils down to just one thing….SHIT HAPPENS
In a former life I owned and drove a semi-truck all over North America. Mostly coast to coast and I use to love this time of morning(I dread it now). Felt like I was alone in the world. Those nights driving where that feeling was the strongest was in the western desert, the Empty Quarter, the Great Basin, the high plains. That place were very few people live. That’s where I belong.
I could survive there and live. Because I would truly be alone. My problem now is that there are way to many ghosts here and too many people that can’t even see me. But I only have one option to escape from this prison that my life has become.
This is a major life event(planning suicide), obviously, and I live and breathe this 24/7. Sure I go to work 5 days a week, but what do you think I’m thinking about for 8 hours driving around on a fork truck? Pretty hard to think of anything else really at this point in time.
Oh and I’m back to using drugs hardcore again.  Right now I’m high on a RC called 4-FA.  4-Fluoroamphetamine is a synthetic stimulant with some empathogenic properties. It is very uncommon and has only a short history of human use. What’s it gonna do, kill me? lmao.  Well it should!  Cuz I speedball every morning right about now. when I get “speeded up” with  an “amphe” and “balled” by 50 mgs of Amitriptyline. Friday nite we up the Ami to 75mgs.  And I do the RC’s ALL night and day..lol. Sooner or later stuffs gonna start breaking.
I am not afraid of the pain of dying, it’s the absolute horror of failing that scares the shit out of me! Â Have a nice day
3 comments
Hi. I read your story and found myself feeling empathetic towards you. The bad economy is making me feel rather trapped as well. I had tons of equity my house about 5 years ago. Since then I’ve lost my job and my house has fallen in value far below what I paid for it. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover my life savings of $28,000 which was my down payment. It doesn’t sound like much but I had put away money since the age of 14 and bought a house at 21. My job went from paying me $40,000 a year 5 years ago to gradually dropping to about $8,000 this year. The depression I battle when I’m not working gets intense and I feel very lost and confused about what to do with my future. My anxiety and depression has almost certainly prevented me from ever having a girlfriend yet, at 30 and is causing me a great deal of anxiety now as I still hope to have kids even though almost every friend has been divorced or is headed for it. It seems like the world is insane and the only people I might look up to for inspiration seem irreverently hell bent on careers that will make them money so they can sit on a lofty perch above people like me who can’t seem to get their shit together to save their life.
One thing I feel good about is that there are others like me out there who suffer a great deal. I’m glad you posted your story. Without people like you the world would suck so much more. Nobody but someone with depression could truly ever empathize with me. Keep the world real. I hope you reconnect with your life’s meaning and see that your life situation is separate from your inner reality. Read The Power of Now if you feel like reading something inspiring. It’s a beautiful book. Justin in MN
I’ll probably write something useless, since I’m having a crappy day, but know that I “enjoyed” your writing.
I mean, I enjoyed it because you are a good storyteller, not that I enjoyed your your misfortune.
And the paragraph that concludes with “shit happens”, is one of the best descriptions I’ve read of the way I feel these days. I haven’t been able to come up with a better explanation myself.
Obviously I’ve made loads of mistakes, but life also involves luck, and life is definitely not fair. I feel so naive for once thinking it sort of was.
Anyway erhm, I hope the best for you.
You can find help to get you into a better financial situation. Please don’t use these drugs. You can find help and live a happy life.