Broken

I feel so lost and I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk to friends about how I’m feeling because I know they are going to try and talk me out of ending my life. They’ll call me selfish, but they’re selfish as they can see that I’m not happy and I haven’t been happy for a couple of years now.
I’m in highschool and I thought I would have a fresh start at life, but boy was I wrong. I’m not the ‘over sensitive’ type and I don’t cry easily or atleast thats how it used to be. I cry everyday now and for long periods of time to the point where I can’t breath anymore. There are times when I am sitting in class and I have to fight back the tears if some idiot has a comment to say about me or if I remember a time that hurt me badly. These ‘moments’ are happening more often and I use all my stregnth to fight back the tears leaving me with no stregnth for any other activity in life.
I started cutting last year, oh and it felt good! A couple of people have seen the scars or cuts (by accident) includinng my best friend. He said the one thing that I feared hearing if someone happened to see my slit wrists: “have you gone all emo?” Just because I have cuts on my wrist doesn’t mean I’m emo. It was another one of those comments that I tried to forget about, but I can’t.
I’ve tried ending it all before. I was sitting in my room with a gun in my hand thinking about all the terrible things that have happened to me and just as I put the gun to my head my grandma walked in…thankgod she didnt see the gun, but in that moment I thought I can’t let her see the end result of a suicide by gun. Every time she looks at that wall she’ll just see blood.
Looking back on that moment I think I should have pulled that trigger much sooner, I hate myself for letting that opportunity go as the gun is nowhere to be found today.
I did alot of research on how to kill myself and I decided that I was going to hang myself. That didn’t go so well, obviously. My neck didn’t snap so I was left dangling there in excrutiating pain. I don’t know where I got the stregnth to pull myself up and try to untie the knot. Just because I didn’t stay up there doesn’t mean I don’t want to die, it just means that I’m really afraid of pain.
The thought of me dying happens constantly. I dream about it, wake up and think about it, and sometimes try to act out on it. I just need a painless and easy way to go.
I’ve been looking for an escape since I have no one to talk to so I went out drinking with some “friends”. Yes, I am underage ( I am 15 ). I drank ALOT, to the point where I passed out and when I woke up there were paramedics and my neighbours all standing around, they thought I had taken drugs aswell in an attempt to kill myself. It was another one of those ‘nightmare-ish’ moments. I hate the fact that everyone thinks that I’m a druggy now, but I enjoyed letting myslef go. All my life I’ve been playing it safe and living like I have a stick up my ass, it’s nice to forget the pain and struggles. Sometimes I question if I’m heading down the right path.
I’m hoping to use helium soon to end all my pain and suffering, just need to do more research and I need more comments on this method, but until then I still have to live in this hell hole…(sigh)
I have to go back to school next week and I’m dreading it. I won’t have any tears left when the year is over, I know that for sure!