Crazy Crushes

I just turned 16, which means I’m now ‘old enough’ to date. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

All my life, I’ve been drepressed, or numb. I don’t know what love feels like anymore… I knew it, once, with a boy… he was–is–a wonderful person. I think I still love him, but force myself to make it only as family-like friend. He made me happy… made me feel like I could be loved. Like I belonged somewhere… with him. Like I had a place in a world I didn’t know yet.

Of course, it ended… we lived–live–in different states, and the distance was too great… or so he said… but somehow that didn’t stop him from getting together with my best friend, who also lives in the same city I do. That hurt me more than I can say, but now I can barely remember what that kind of hurt feels like.

I’m starting to remember, though. That, and the way I felt before he told me he loved me, when I felt that no one could possibly love me.

I’m in a new school, made for kids with depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc. It only has, like, 25 students. Really small. I think I’m falling for two different boys there. I won’t say names… but… it’s the first two weeks of school… and I keep feeling a tug in my heart and mind whenever I talk with them. I don’t want to think about it, but at the same time I can’t stop. Haven’t I suffered enough emotional pain? Not only with that break-up with my first real boyfriend, who I thought was “the one”… but also with my family problems, and friend problems…

Those two boys… so different… but both have similar traits… they can be so kind.. they listen… and they’re sincere. They’re both just awesome… but I… I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I just met them two weeks ago. With my first real boyfriend, we’d known each other for months… even then, I thought my feelings developed too fast. But two weeks? For both? And it feels the same way it did with HIM… for BOTH of them…

It confuses and scares me. Do I fall in love too easily? Or did I never really know what real love was in the first place? I thought I did. I’m not sure anymore. All I know is that what I felt–feel–is powerful. Maybe I just love many people, and am just not destined to be with anyone. Maybe I’m just supposed to love and support, like the friend I’ve always tried to be.

Or maybe I just experience quick-developing long-lasting crushes. I wouldn’t know. Sometimes, I’m too depressed to care. I feel… so empty… so drained… like life isn’t worth it.

Could a crush be what I need to get back on my feet? No… because if it’s unreturned, I’ll just get even more depressed… and no one could like me. I’m not pretty. I’m too tall, too wide… I have broad shoulders and wide hips… and the fat to go with it… My nose is too big, and my eyes are too dark. I’m too… too stupid. I don’t even have a real personality, I’ve been pretending to have one for years. No one would even ‘like’ something like that.

So I’m stuck… only surviving on a vain hope that maybe, if I get a boyfriend who really cares about stupid me…
Maybe I can keep going and maybe get better. But it is, after all, a vain hope. It won’t happen.

That’s selfish of me, anyways. I don’t want to be selfish.

That’s also why i keep quiet about my depression and my feelings. I never say anything. I can’t. It hurts too much, scares me too much, that I don’t know the outcome of any situation I’m in. It doesn’t help that I’m caught in a web of lies and deciet from my ‘family’… The few friends I have are a better family then the people related to me by blood…

And that, too, isn’t going to last much longer. I’m drifting away, and I can’t reach out any longer… but no one was reaching for me in the first place… If they were, it wasn’t much. I couldn’t see it at all.

I miss the close friendships I used to have…

Now, I don’t sleep, I barely eat, and I’m emotionally, mentally, and physically exhauseted. But the nightmares… where everyone I care about dies… I can’t sleep, or rest. Hell, the nightmare even comes when I’m awake…

I need to get back into swimming, take my mind of everything… unfortunately, I can’t afford a membership to any gym that has a pool… No job, family is poor… my dad left us and took all the money with him…

I need help. I can’t handle much more of the chaos inside my head, that I can’t even explain… or the chaos in my heart.

Two boys… come on… and I already know one likes someone else–who has a boyfriend–but that won’t help me because no one would like me anyways.

But… he does look at me in a slightly different way. I won’t say odd, but it’s… different. And then he’ll laugh quitly for a moment and sat ‘nothing.’ Is he making fun of my looks? My stupidity? Me in general? I wouldn’t be surprised, as much as the idea hurts.

I’ll stop my rant now… I need to pace, listen to some music to calm myself down. I’m about to have a panic attack from all the thoughts running through my head faster than I could type them… The voices I hear, the split personalities and memories that never were… dreams… nightmares… it’s all too much too explain without somehow transmitting memoires…

I don’t know if I can stand a whole 3-day weekend with my ‘family’..

Fuck my life… I have things to do that I can’t get done, people to see that I can’t go to, and a life to find before I decide to end what I have.