honoring my religious beliefs while suicidal

(Don’t worry, this post isn’t about trying to convert anyone. I’m just outloud thinking).
I’m a deeply religious person and very solid/comfortable in my beliefs. I’m a liberal Christian (is that an oxymoron?) and have years of theological education. I believe in a God who is caring, merciful, gracious, and forgiving. When my life transition is complete, I believe I will be with God. I’m staking everything on this! I want so badly to be with God, to be with my deceased family and friends. I want that more than anything that could ever be or happen on earth. I heard a scripture in church Sunday that seemed to say it’s ok to die because you will die with God–just as if you live, you live with God. So, I’m covered, right? Right. Most people pray to be healed or to have life. I pray to die. I have always prayed to die. There are friends who have died of horrible ailments and illness and I prayed so hard to take their place–not to be martyr but because they had so much to live for and I am at peace with dying. Sigh. I just keep praying.