Let me go

I’m alone and most of the time rather it be that way,I get very uncomfortable in social situation, I barely go out anymore. I just want to cry all the time and sadness over comes me.My past haunts me, I’ve tried to get help and fix it, but everyone tell me only I can help myself. But I fail miserable wish make me more depressed. I have nothing to talk about I don’t wanna talk, I want to sleep all day and never walk up, Honestly like to live in my dreams. No one understand want I’m going through everyone i’ve tried  to consult in just doesn’t understand and i leave feeling more hurt then helped. it the most vial feeling always. I’m not myself any more, I’ve imagine suicide many time but something holding me here  maybe the pain the choking vomiting if i take pills or the hope that i can do it, but it just make living more painful. I’ve stop talking to every one, my best friend barely even calls me for an hello, I would want to talk to me either. she so perfect everyone like her and she need me to always confirm how beautiful she is inside and out, and i just listen to her great life. and I’m the piece of shit friend I feel awkward, when will this stop. Death is the only option at this part. I don’t have enough strength to make everything better, just to have to deal with the sadness thats will always be there.Nothings holding me here beside the people who love me,but i’d wish they’d understand it’s me, and if they loved me they’d let me go peacefully. I feel like I’m drowning deeper every day. I have no friends. I wish i was never born.like I never wanted to exist.