Rescue me.

I’m so sick of feeling this way, day after day. I’m so sick of being awake.
I’ve tried so hard, I’ve felt like this since I was a young girl, fourteen. I’ve talked to so many counsellers, gone to expensive centres to get better and nothing changes. I’m currently living with my boyfriend and I can’t help but be miserable every second, he’s the only partner I’ve ever loved and I’m pushing him away completely, because I’m paranoid to the point where I act like I’m crazy. We’re currently living with housemates and one of them he has a smal history with, it was over three years ago but it tortures me. He’s the most honest person I’ve ever met but I question and I go off at him, when he’s one of the only things keeping me here. He’d do anything to see me happy, but I’m not. I can’t escape my own head, I have voices telling me all the worst things. I don’t know what I have, but the paranoia gets so bad, I used to convince myself I was a pedophile because I was abused as a child. I have terrible flashes of things happening to people. I can’t control what I think and I can’t let things go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so close to giving up.
I’m so sad all the time and it never ends. I feel like I’m barely hanging on, like I can’t function anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’t want to have ever existed.