Rescue me.

September 5th, 2011by Marionette

I’m so sick of feeling this way, day after day. I’m so sick of being awake.
I’ve tried so hard, I’ve felt like this since I was a young girl, fourteen. I’ve talked to so many counsellers, gone to expensive centres to get better and nothing changes. I’m currently living with my boyfriend and I can’t help but be miserable every second, he’s the only partner I’ve ever loved and I’m pushing him away completely, because I’m paranoid to the point where I act like I’m crazy. We’re currently living with housemates and one of them he has a smal history with, it was over three years ago but it tortures me. He’s the most honest person I’ve ever met but I question and I go off at him, when he’s one of the only things keeping me here. He’d do anything to see me happy, but I’m not. I can’t escape my own head, I have voices telling me all the worst things. I don’t know what I have, but the paranoia gets so bad, I used to convince myself I was a pedophile because I was abused as a child. I have terrible flashes of things happening to people. I can’t control what I think and I can’t let things go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so close to giving up.
I’m so sad all the time and it never ends. I feel like I’m barely hanging on, like I can’t function anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’t want to have ever existed.

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