We all fall down

Sometimes, building a life out a lies, held together by the times you’ve fooled everyone else into believing them, and becoming trapped by the very lies you’ve used to protect yourself is just too easy.

To keep myself going, to keep making the people important to me happy, I’ve lied. I lied about how I feel, what I’m doing, what I want to do with my life.

I say I feel fine, that I’m okay.
Lie.
I’m alone at my house, crying, too depressed to think clearly and too heartbroken to keep trying.

I say I’m doing nothing, or just chilling.
Lie.
I’m either cutting my wrists and legs, crying, both, or contemplating death and the freedom it would give me.

I say I want to become a kind of artist.
Lie.
I want to kill myself.

Now, I have no way to tell anyone how I feel. I am trapped in a world I created to keep living in, a dream gone bad, innocent action turned into a terrible curse. People depend on me. I can’t die, I can’t let them down. I can’t let down my mask, can’t let it break. I can’t cry for myself, can’t feel hurt. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. But God, how I want to…

I don’t remember when I started lying to my friends about these things. Trying to get them not to worry about me, when they’ve got their own things to deal with. I was the one they went to for comfort, for support. I was the strong one who could handle it all, give the advice, and stay calm in every situation.

But no… I fell, and kept falling, but I pretended I was on solid ground so I wouldn’t loose the people important to me. But now… I have to push them away, even though it hurts. I refuse to keep living in the glass castle that’s ready to shatter at any moment, with me inside…

My family won’t help me… the one friend I trusted enough to tell this to won’t help me…

I am no warrior. I need to be saved once in a while, just like everyone else.

The thing is, I have no hero who’s just waiting to save the day.

I’m all alone.