For some reason, I’m feeling even more depressed than I have in awhile.  Just a sudden blitz attack where all I want to do is cry and hibernate.  To make it worse, I had my first visit with my new psychiatrist.  He wasn’t a bad guy; just didn’t seem very personable.  Sort of like the stereotypical scene where you talk to the shrink and he silently, betraying no emotion, writes something down on his notepad.  It wasn’t so much his demeanor though, but more that after telling him about all the other antidepressants I’ve been on (and other medications that were used to “help” the antidepressants work), he said that he didn’t know of any other medication that would work better than the ones I’ve tried.

Everyone is always saying “oh, it’ll get better” or “maybe you just need to find the right combination of medications.”  But it’s been like 9 years and judging from what my newest psychiatrist said, there isn’t going to be some miracle drug that makes me feel better.  Some people tout exercise as the “cure for depression.”  If exercise is supposed to be the cure, then why did I fall into a major depressive episode when I was running like 15 goddamn miles per week?  I’ve looked into electroshock therapy but it seemed that in all the personal accounts I’ve read that any benefits were only temporary.  Plus, I doubt my parents would ever go for it.  I suppose I could always check myself into the hospital. But, exactly how would that help?  I’d be prescribed new medications and put into therapy.  How is that any different than what I’ve already tried?

I feel the urge to cut.  Which is strange, since I only did it once back during my freshman year and frankly, it didn’t do much for me.  Maybe it’s just because I feel so desperate.