I’m a 24 year old guy, currently an undergrad student at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, British Columbia. I’m reasonably good looking, can be very sociable, in good shape…basically, I have superficially no reason to want to commit suicide. I have suffered from depression ever since I was 11 years old. I dropped out of high school in grade 11, sat at home playing video games for a few years, then smartened up, tried to fight back, and eventually got into this university, which I absolutely hate. Worst fucking place ever.
But the thing is I hate myself, and my life. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t go a single day without running to the handicap bathroom to cry a little. If I were to die today, the only thing I would leave behind is a torrent of broken relationships, academic and professional failures, Â hateful thoughts that I can’t control anymore…and my family.
I have no friends anymore. There’s nobody I can be honest with. I’m scared that nobody will accept me for who I am. I’m afraid that having depression will scare people away. I’m scared shitless of being rejected, so I don’t even try. I only have mild acquaintances at school and I can barely hold a conversation with them anymore. I can’t even look girls in the eye anymore. I feel so fucking worthless. I can’t even hold a job without having an anxiety attack on my shift, which has happened twice before.
There’s one recurring phrase in my head that keeps frustrating me: “Why me?”. Why am I going through this while everyone else is enjoying themselves, has aspirations, when the only thing I could ever want is a normal life, being able to go about my day without feeling like I wish I was dead. I just want the pain to stop. I would chop off one of my hands if that’s what it takes.
I was very close to getting into my car, and driving full speed into a tree. But I just can’t do it. So here I am, I don’t know what I possibly could accomplish from this. I don’t even remember how I found this site exactly.
I’m still trying to get past this. I would do anything to lead a normal life. I hate being like this. most people think I’m distant, aloof and maybe a bit self-centered, but I’m really just fucking scared.
5 comments
i know exactly how you feel. im 20 years old and ive had major depression for the last nine years. i nearly dropped out of high school but stuck it out in the most unenthusiastic fashion, i only graduated because my teachers liked me, and i never wanted to go to college but i applied and got in so i decided to try it. i had a breakdown and left. i tried out the regular world, that didnt work out so i went back to college thinking maybe i just wasnt ready. turns out i just hated it even more. i never made friends there, i spent all my time alone in my apartment and ended up failing out. so i gave up on that and decided maybe i can do a trade, turns out im too much a fuck to even do that. i quit my job a few months back and became a stripper. the sad part is seeing all those girls and they’re shitty situations almost made me feel better. but then i quit that too about a month ago and have living off the residual money. i have no desire to find a job, sometimes i sleep all day, sometimes i dont sleep for days, and my best friend just moved away making me realize that besides her i have no friends whatsoever which just makes things even worse. things have gotten to a point where i have sat in my car in my garage just waiting to turn the key. i have no one i feel comfortable enough to talk to about these things. i feel so alone but i know there are tons of other people out there thinking the exact same thing but that never makes me feel any better. ive tried making new friends but i just cant keep them. i end up isolating myself and they just drift away. i know none of this really helps you much besides maybe finding that reading something similar to what you’re going through as comforting. ive been thinking about getting help, like going to a therapist. ive been there before but it never helped, but trying it again may just get me through the next year or so as a wee more content. i would suggest the same for you.
I’ll get right to it, have you ever talked to a professional about this? Have you ever had a therapist or taken medication? You say you’ve been depressed for a long time. It might be a medical issue and could be treatable.
As for having no friends, depression can do that. Right now, I only have 2 who I avoid because I can barely leave the house. What I’m saying is that you aren’t alone. You aren’t the problem, your depression is. It makes you believe you’re a bad person when really, you’re just sick.
If you’d like to talk, I’m almost always on here. I don’t know you, but I’m here if you need me.
Sorry to hear this dude. I can relate to your story a lot. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but i can’t. However, I can say, at least you’re not alone here.
Same here bro. Kind of like my story. I use to be active but since I been depressed for almost 3 months. I’ve lost the will to do that and more. I lost my dog that I had since I was 12 (I’m 23) to cancer yesterday. We had to put him down and I feel like I want to die. I never asked to be alive. I don’t have that drive to live anymore. I ask why me? And i beg god to please help me see this through but so far, no luck. I gave up on praying because of all that happened to me. God isn’t listening and if he does he does t care. I believe their is something higher in the universe because I choose to believe. I’m in he’ll now.. Dude keep your head up. As for me.. I just want to go now.