October 16th, 2011 by not here

I hurt myself today

To see if I’d still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that’s real


I look at myself, at my life, and then I compare it to my friends. You see, I actually have good friends. I don’t have a ton, I could never throw some huge party or whatever, but I have 5-10 people I can just rely on and I think they’re really good people. Then there’s me. I don’t really bring anything to the table. I’m not funny, I’m don’t do awesome things, I’m not good at anything. I just don’t get it. I feel like I have no identity. It’s as though I’m just a mash up of everyone in my life. I know that’s what everyone is, but I just feel like I’m the only one with no “me” part. No one has any bit of me in them. Maybe because there is no me. People always tell me I look just like my dad, and I act/talk exactly like my brother. I have no individuality, and it kinda sucks. I don’t know why anyone would see value in me, and I certainly don’t see any myself.

I cut myself for the first time in over a month I think. It felt so good, too. I’m not really sure why I stopped. I certainly wasn’t feeling better. I love numbing myself. Whether it be pain, drugs or alcohol, they’re all great. Two out of three right now (although not nearly enough of either), maybe I’ll get high later to complete the trifecta. Life is awesome.

Processing your request, Please wait....