I feel ready now

October 6th, 2011by invisiblegirl77

I’ve been in depression hell for over 20 years now. Totally disconnected from anyone. I supposedly am a fun girl to be around, but I no longer have any close friends or family.  One sister I should be close to, but a couple hours a month in phone calls, isn’t much to live for.  I talk with my Mom sometimes.  Both live states away.  I moved where my Mom was and saw her a couple times a week when I went to her house to watch tv with her.  Other than that, Mom never calls or reaches out to me.  I got a son but he hates me for the poor choices of men I took over him, so I am all alone in the world and life.  Got no one around me, and got no more reason to try any more.  This has been going on now for a very long time.  I pull it together and move and get going again, but here I am all alone with just me.  Make some friends. How? Where?  I live like I am an ole senior shut-in and no one knows my truth.

4 years earlier I got fairly successful again and earned a bunch of money after moving to TX alone, but the aloneness of my life was the same. So I had some money in my bank account but I lived all alone.  I ate my feelings down and gained some weight and went for weeks on end shut in my apartment. So I finally set it in motion to take some pills.  I took out an insurance policy and decided to wait the 2 years.  In the meantime I went to some doctors and got some pills when I could.  I saved them up and then.

Last Dec 1st I took 150 ambien and 25 xanex for good measure. I had a couple minature drinks and then took the pills.  I remember saying to myself outloud, wow that is alot of pills.  I was ready and I was actually very calm.  Finally this invisible life, this painful life, this alone life was gonna end.  I believe in life everlasting and I believe in reincarnation.  What really happens, I was more than willing to check out and see.  20 years of 365 days a year is a long time to feel so awful and so all alone.

Then Fucking ah! I woke up after a day and a half and rammed my body into the wall many times… trying to get to the bathroom to pee. I could not think or navigate anything.  I rammed into the wall a couple of times and finally got into the bathroom.  I thought someone was fighting with me and throwing me around.  I finally fell into the bathtub and peed myself.  I crawled out of the tub not knowing where I was, and crawled back into my bedroom and sleep another day and a half and fucking woke up!  I had massive bruises on my arms and back.

At first I didn’t know how or what.  I had a bunch of messages on my answering machine over the past 3 days.  Hell no one ever calls me and now they called over and over!  My sister has good intuition sometimes with me.

I had to say I fell down in the bathroom.  I could barely walk.  I vaguely remembered some wrestling or something.  Then I remembered.  I thought the devil had been wrestling with me and God grabbed me back.  I was mad and I was surprised at still being here.  I came to the conclusion that God must have grabbed me back because I do know how many pills I took.  How was it possible some of the movie stars died and I took a shit load of pills and here I am.

I had no money to pay my rent and I had to go ask my church for help. I had to move out of my apartment and I have been living in shared housing since.  I make enough money giving plasma to barely squeek by and I get food stamps. I am so embarressed at the way I am barely living, and I am leading a life of lies. I am so depressed inside I can’t do anything.  I paid my insurance for over 2 years and then had to let the policy lapse for lack of income.  Now I am coming to a final point where I won’t have next month’s money.

I could kick it in gear and get back into sales and probably do ok, but I see no reason to go thru that again just to still be here on planet earth all all all alone.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Why not go out the same day I came in?  I can really see no reason why that isn’t perfect.

So I ponder.  Which is how I found this site. 

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