First off, I suppose I should say hello or something, so, hello. Second, I know this is a lot to read, so I apologize in advance and I don’t blame you if you skip over any of it.
A while ago (not sure how many years, I was in middle school), I was diagnosed with aspergers. At first I didn’t question it, as it provided a good reason (and a convenient excuse) as to why I was so socially retarded, not to mention I fit many of the other symptoms, such as repetitive behavior, weird interests / obsessions, clumsiness, social anxiety, etc. Some time later, something started bothering me. All of the other people I know with aspergers are ridiculously smart. The same cannot be said about me. I have trouble with the most basic concepts, I’m a horrendously slow learner, I have to be told something multiple times before I can barely begin to grasp it’s meaning, and if it weren’t for me taking summer courses every year, I most likely wouldn’t have graduated from high school yet. To put that more succinctly, I’m dumb. On top of that, I suffer from bipolar disorder (apparently depression runs in my family. Thanks, mom) and OCD. I feel like a complete wreck just about all of the time, but I feel as if I can’t really complain to / share my thoughts with anyone, seeing as 1) I have absolutely no friends whatsoever (not joking or exaggerating here), 2) I’m pretty sure none of the people I know care to hear some mentally and emotionally unstable self-absorbed jerk ramble on about his problems, and 3) I always feel like a whiny, annoying prick whenever I start fixating on everything that’s wrong with me, and I’m certain that talking about them with anyone I know would just exacerbate this feeling. So, not only am I a stupid aspie, I’m an unstable, whiny, self-pitying asshole loner.
As of late, not a day has passed without me having some kind of suicidal thought(s) / daydreams. At this point, I’ve become twisted and self-loathing enough to enjoy them, to see them as a welcome distraction from the pain and monotomy of everyday life. They’re all different, of varying length and violence. Sometimes they’re dark and realistic, and sometimes they’re light-hearted, like cartoon violence, only, well, more violent. I’ve fantasized about offing myself, being murdered and just dying due to chance or clumsiness (I’m surprised this hasn’t actually become the case yet). I always find new ways of rationalizing these thoughts, as well as my hypothetical decisions to actually go through with it. “No one will miss me. Most of my family hates me anyway, and no one else seems to realize I exist.” “I could just leave a note requesting to have my body thrown in a dump or a river somewhere, then no one would have to pay for a funeral or cremation.” “Someone so mentally unhinged doesn’t deserve to exist. They’re prone to snapping and doing something drastic and criminal. I’d be doing the world a favor.” The only thing that keeps me from actually committing suicide is my own cowardice. When I say this, I don’t mean to imply that I don’t see suicide as cowardly. It’d be perfect for a selfish, annoying coward such as myself. Yet, paradoxically enough, I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it (my apologies for the overuse of the word “coward”, I’m a dumbass with a limited vocabulary). For a while now, I’ve contemplated getting completely smashed and just ending it all.
I have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I’m not a particularly nice or empathetic person, considering it seems almost impossible for me to actually connect to anyone other than myself. I’m not witty or intelligent in any way, I’m not charming charismatic or even remotely attractive (fat, bad skin, bad teeth, etc.), and I have absolutely no skills or talents to speak of. I’m a lazy, unproductive douchebag who contributes nothing to society. I doubt that there’s anyway I’ll somehow become less pathetic and useless, and I honestly cannot see any possible reason why I should be allowed to continue living.
4 comments
I’ve struggled with depression and suicide before, so I know how bad it feels. I also know how hard it can be to have Aspergers. If you want someone to talk to, and you have aol instant messenger, my user name is psychstudent2011. You can also email me at psychstudent2011@aim.com
Well just so you know, Jesus loves you just the way you are. He died to save you from your sins, fears, hurts, mini mental self tortures. I pray that He softens your heart towards a new understanding of how He sees you – You are loved. All of you.
Just for the record, your writing suggests the complete opposite of how you describe yourself – you actually sound quite intelligent with a healthy vocab.
Oh and those suicidal thoughts may actually be thoughts of jealousy from something else other than yourself*. You have been given the opportunity of forgiveness for sins through accepting the gift of eternal life by repenting. So simple… but these *’fallen spirits’ which are giving you such creatively destructive thoughts have not such a chioce. They are forever condemned to hell and they want to drag as many people with them as possible.
Pray for truth? Wait. Decide. Life is a gift. You are very important. You are loved by your Creator. Jesus is all you need.
Do you like music? or books? or movies? or sports?
The website was designed for long stories dude. So don’t feel like its a burden to tohers to read your story. I rather read your story than read some article about whose fucking or killing who. Why? Because I rather listen to real people who have real problems than just media focused bullshit. I guess I’m kind of like you in some ways. I’m I wouldnt put myself down when it comes to looks and I can get a girlfriend I’ve had a few. I’ve went to the gym and hung out a few times. I don’t do it much. Even though I may seem I got it, I don’t. I’m not really social, I don’t have a social life. I don’t really like people too much. Ive been depressed for a short while before and feel like dying. I dont know what I’m good at. Depression and alcoholism runs in my family because of my grandfather rest his soul. I also have insomnia and ive been suffering from anxiety. I gave up on my dreams and became depressed. As soon as I was trying to be more positive, I got sick with a stomach virus and worse of all, the vet found out my dog who’ve I had for 11 years (I’m 23), had cancer. They had to put my best friend to sleep.. And this was yesterday. :_( he’s not suffering anymore but Im emotionally deestated . Every now and then I’m ok but then I burst in to sob and tears cryin like a baby. Pathetic for a man my age. He was family a part of us. Now more than ever, I want to die..