I am so unhappy. I’ve thought about suicide since I was 11 or 12, and once my grandma, who is the only person in the world who loves me, dies; I die too.
I live alone with my grandma in the middle of a desert.
It was her wish to see me with a husband, children, and a career.
She will never see that. Everyone else in my life has abandoned me.
I wish I cared more about my life…
I don’t want anything. I would like to trade my thankless life force to someone who deserves it. I Know somewhere out there, there is a child dying of cancer with a family surrounding them, praying. Why cant that child have my good health and youth, instead it is going to be wasted.
If you didn’t want anything you wouldn’t be hurting so much. Don’t run away from the pain. Instead of constructing ridiculous justifications “proving” that you’re “worthless” face the pain and listen to whatever it’s trying to tell you. If you were truly worthless I doubt you would be talking like this.
I promise there are people far more helpful then me around here too…Hope they get around soon.
It is not always clear why we are in emotional pain. That is the problem with emotional pain… It can be hard to pinpoint. On the other hand if your arm hurts you know where to look… Such a contrast of pain.
Don’t you want to find out? Are you really going to hang or bleed yourself out without even knowing why? There is no need to suffer alone. You can talk freely about anything with anyone here at the very least. It’s a start.
I guess I feel pain because I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ll never achieve anything. I really, really dont want to be here. I dont care if I sound immature, I Just…want…peace…
I’ve lived here since I was a baby my parents were both junkies so they basically just dropped me off. I just graduated from college and landed my dream job when my grandfather died. It was incredibly hard to handle and so I turned to the bottle and I got addicted to xanas and lost my job. My grandma is a very hearty, conservative woman and the only person who has looked out for me. She’s getting very old and not doing well. She changed my diapers, now I’m changing hers, ya know?
What’s making you feel so trapped and worthless? You’re obviously young and capable. I wouldn’t define not holding up to a job that had you drunk and doped just to stand it a dream job and even if that’s what you really wanted the fact that you actually got it after graduation shows that you have what it takes. The present circumstances are certainly shitty for you and your grandmother but if she’s not up with Alzheimer’s at least it means you can still be together in a meaningful way.
And if the rest of the people important to you left you fuck em then, as I said once around here before you came around:
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
It really looks to me like you actually have what it takes to cope and grow beyond this shit. Don’t give up on yourself so soon. And this coming not from a happy “normal” either but from an honest-to-God failure.
I have felt like dying that age too. Until I got my dog. And god rest his caring soul he stuck by us for 11 years until yesterday. He had cancer and he had to be put down. I’ve been depressed for 2 months prior and now his death is he straw that broke the camels back. The only best friend I ever had in this world. I just graduated college and my dreams are dead. I’m alone and I have no aim. No girlfriend. Not even a social life. I use to go to the gym, have a gf and dreams. The depression has taken a toll on me and my dogs end has made me worse.
Hey, did your dog have fun when he/she was a live? Did you have fun when you play with dog? I know all animals know what to be scare. I think your dog spent his/her remaining time to fun some fun with his/her loving and caring owner.
You haven’t failed your grandmother. You’ve given up a lot to be there for her. And it sounds very isolated. It sounds, if I understand, you were grieving your grandfather and were seeking comfort and didn’t have any support. I feel very similar, cut off , isolated. Is there something you can find within your circumstances, even in a little way to bring you some happiness or relief? What about your grandmothers history? Is it something the two of you could explore, make a book of, her stories, pictures, wisdom? Or something you could learn, work towards a new goal? I know you lost your opportunity, it’s life changing, but could you go a different way? I respect your feelings and the way you love and care for your grandmother. These things I write, I know it may sound small and lame, but I think I find my only real relief these days is in very small things that I get involved in. I wish you could find something faith, truly I do.
16 comments
Sweetheart, would you really want all the others around you to feel, like how you feel after you’re grandmother passed on?
there are no others 🙁
I live alone with my grandma in the middle of a desert.
It was her wish to see me with a husband, children, and a career.
She will never see that. Everyone else in my life has abandoned me.
I wish I cared more about my life…
What do you want that getting it would make you happy?
I don’t want anything. I would like to trade my thankless life force to someone who deserves it. I Know somewhere out there, there is a child dying of cancer with a family surrounding them, praying. Why cant that child have my good health and youth, instead it is going to be wasted.
If you didn’t want anything you wouldn’t be hurting so much. Don’t run away from the pain. Instead of constructing ridiculous justifications “proving” that you’re “worthless” face the pain and listen to whatever it’s trying to tell you. If you were truly worthless I doubt you would be talking like this.
I promise there are people far more helpful then me around here too…Hope they get around soon.
I dont know what is making me so sad… I just know its unbearable and I cant take it anymore.
It is not always clear why we are in emotional pain. That is the problem with emotional pain… It can be hard to pinpoint. On the other hand if your arm hurts you know where to look… Such a contrast of pain.
Don’t you want to find out? Are you really going to hang or bleed yourself out without even knowing why? There is no need to suffer alone. You can talk freely about anything with anyone here at the very least. It’s a start.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Has a point
I guess I feel pain because I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ll never achieve anything. I really, really dont want to be here. I dont care if I sound immature, I Just…want…peace…
How did you end up living in the desert with just your grandmother? How is she? Who is she?
I’ve lived here since I was a baby my parents were both junkies so they basically just dropped me off. I just graduated from college and landed my dream job when my grandfather died. It was incredibly hard to handle and so I turned to the bottle and I got addicted to xanas and lost my job. My grandma is a very hearty, conservative woman and the only person who has looked out for me. She’s getting very old and not doing well. She changed my diapers, now I’m changing hers, ya know?
What’s making you feel so trapped and worthless? You’re obviously young and capable. I wouldn’t define not holding up to a job that had you drunk and doped just to stand it a dream job and even if that’s what you really wanted the fact that you actually got it after graduation shows that you have what it takes. The present circumstances are certainly shitty for you and your grandmother but if she’s not up with Alzheimer’s at least it means you can still be together in a meaningful way.
And if the rest of the people important to you left you fuck em then, as I said once around here before you came around:
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
It really looks to me like you actually have what it takes to cope and grow beyond this shit. Don’t give up on yourself so soon. And this coming not from a happy “normal” either but from an honest-to-God failure.
Bonus question: who are you?
I have felt like dying that age too. Until I got my dog. And god rest his caring soul he stuck by us for 11 years until yesterday. He had cancer and he had to be put down. I’ve been depressed for 2 months prior and now his death is he straw that broke the camels back. The only best friend I ever had in this world. I just graduated college and my dreams are dead. I’m alone and I have no aim. No girlfriend. Not even a social life. I use to go to the gym, have a gf and dreams. The depression has taken a toll on me and my dogs end has made me worse.
Hey, did your dog have fun when he/she was a live? Did you have fun when you play with dog? I know all animals know what to be scare. I think your dog spent his/her remaining time to fun some fun with his/her loving and caring owner.
You haven’t failed your grandmother. You’ve given up a lot to be there for her. And it sounds very isolated. It sounds, if I understand, you were grieving your grandfather and were seeking comfort and didn’t have any support. I feel very similar, cut off , isolated. Is there something you can find within your circumstances, even in a little way to bring you some happiness or relief? What about your grandmothers history? Is it something the two of you could explore, make a book of, her stories, pictures, wisdom? Or something you could learn, work towards a new goal? I know you lost your opportunity, it’s life changing, but could you go a different way? I respect your feelings and the way you love and care for your grandmother. These things I write, I know it may sound small and lame, but I think I find my only real relief these days is in very small things that I get involved in. I wish you could find something faith, truly I do.