Just leave me alone

  October 10th, 2011 by not_needed

I dissappear from my family thinking that they will eventually forget about me. Some of them tend to not care, some pretend to not see, others just look away or not see me at all. I don’t hurt myself, take drugs, or any other harmful things, but life has always been tough and I JUST don’t want it anymore.

I came close once to ending my life, an inch from jumping off the bridge until someone(police officer) pulled me by my collar and dragged me to the “safe” side of that damn bridge. I spent 18 days in a mental institute being drugged and in a worse situation then when I was hanging out on the bridge myself. I don’t remember faces, being sent to court, or really know the outcome to this day. I remember walking up and down the hallway waving my hands in front of my face and how I felt when I was so drugged by “them” that I don’t remember me at all.

I was an abused child after my parents were divorced in 1980. Both of my parents were alcoholics and neither one of them let thier beds get cold after the divorce. I no longer remember any of the good times as a family that we shared, but the nightmares that took the place of family life. I was molested by my moms partners, seen my mom being raped in an alley, and even watched both her and my brother being beeating before getting beaten myself. I have been in foster homes, lived with other relatives, and moved out on my own at the age of seventeen. I have always had problems finishing thngs that I start, find it easy to leave, not pay bills, and leave people that seem to care about me in the dark of who I really am. All my life I have had family tell me that I will never amount to much and that I am too much like my mom.No matter how hard I try, I always tend to fail, I always try to prove them wrong. When I seem to get close, I fail again always loosing myself.

At work, I stay to myself and not talk to anyone. I don’t let many people next to me or get to know who or what I really am. Its seems to be better anyway, then nobody will care when I die anyway.

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