Just maybe I’d be better off dead…

  October 28th, 2011 by kingsofleon

I’m sick of this life. I can’t remember or think of one time where I was genuinely happy; a moment where everything felt just right. Fact of the matter is, I’ve always faked my smile. I’ve always had to fake moments of happiness, nothing was or is ever real. No one would ever believe I feel suicidal or that I’ve suffered and continue to suffer from depression if I told them. I try really hard to mask my internal state and the pain I feel with jokes, just so I don’t give off the impression that I’m actually sad inside.

When I see myself, the only thing I see is a miserable, failure. I’m in my 20’s, unemployed, never had a girlfriend because of my incredibly low self-esteem and still living at home. I haven’t accomplished a thing. I don’t have anything to be proud of.  At family events and other social gatherings, I’ve always been the guy who has never had a girl. Imagine being asked all the time, why I don’t have a girlfriend and not having a response.  I think people are starting to get the impression that I’m gay- but it’s not like I’m going to tell them that I have zero confidence with women, no game and all other issues that I have wrong with me at the dinner table.

I’m finding it incredibly hard to move on with my life….I don’t know how much more I can take. Between the financial burdens and emotional stress, it’s getting difficult to cope. I don’t want to be a 40 year old virgin, who is still living at home. I want to feel the joys of life and live….but as time is passing by it doesn’t appear within my grasp.  I want to give up. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of life. It would have been nice to be born well off, good looking and have the confidence to be with any woman.  But unfortunately,  it wasn’t in my cards. My only options are to either continue with my mundane, miserable existence or to end it. The latter is looking like my inevitable fate.

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