My story…I have to get this out.

Growing up quite a big deal was made about me being beautiful…not a day went by once I hit about 14 that somebody didn’t comment on my looks in some way, shape or form.  It turned me into someone who is very insecure, although I constantly hear how much self-confidence I should have because people think I am gorgeous and fun…and blah, blah.  Well let me tell you it is not fun.  It causes so many problems on so many levels.  I am not here to complain of compliments, I am here because the beginning of my story has partly led me to where I am now.

Fast forward a bit and I met my ex-husband when I was 18…he was great…trustworthy, caring, loving etc.  His only problem was he did have a hard time with the amount of attention that I got from others anywhere we went.  We got married when I was 20 and had our first baby when I was 21…a little girl..then at 23 I had a baby boy and at 25 another baby boy.  Life was perfect.  I got to be a stay at home mom and devote every minute of my life to my kids.  Keep in mind that although life was perfect I struggled mentally with feeling lost because my body and looks had changed from having children.  For so long my looks identified who I was that I didn’t know how to be happy without being the best looking that I could be (it’s ridiculous I know).  When life started to get easier with the kids I started to want to party with friends more and go back to being the fun Carrie that I had missed.  Meanwhile I felt sad inside and only wanted to get my husband’s attention and feel close with him.  He went the other way….did work around the house, did everything but take the time to see that I needed him more now than ever.  May of 2009 I started working at a restaurant that my sister owned.  I started losing weight, feeling good about myself again etc.  In the fall I met a younger guy who started flirting with me and I flirted back.  It quickly became what I thought was the answer to my sadness…I felt adored and loved and so many things I didn’t know what to do with it.  I drank a lot at work (it was a bar/restaurant) and hung out way too long while my precious family was at home…waiting for me.  :(  I ended up having an affair (I am not proud of that in any way) and by March of 2010 my husband found out and filed for divorce.  My whole world came crashing down.  He moved out in April and I stayed in a relationship with the younger man.   We shared custody (he is beyond a great dad) and talked a few times about trying to work it out…ultimately at those time I couldn’t do it because I was worried he would never forgive me or be what I needed or thought I needed in a relationship.

Since this all happened I have gotten progressively worse.  I constantly think about dying.  The thought of another woman having to ever be around my kids just kills me.  I miss my kids when they aren’t with me.  The guilt and intense pain I feel is unbearable.  My ex tries to tell me I will be ok…but I am not him I cannot seem to pull out of it I only get worse.  I have episodes of rages, hours of crying, sleeplessness, intense anxiety and sadness.  I love my kids more than life itself and they are the absolute best and say the sweetest things to me.  That is the one reason I am still sitting here typing this today.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I constantly want to curl up and die.  I cut my wrist with a knife once and then stopped, I put the car in the garage and left it running until someone found me.  Thought about shooting myself…anything to make the pain go away.  My family is not together and I ruined it…and it is all my fault…I can’t get over it….I want to be sick everyday because my exhusband and kids were my whole life….I don’t know how to go on.  I struggle minute by minute some days…..